NYMPHOMANIAC: ABOUT PUNCTUATION

COPENHAGEN – Lars Von Triers returns to the big screen with his new film Nymphomaniac, a blisteringly controversial and often shocking examination of the world of international punctuation.

‘So many people these days are obsessed with punctuation,’ said Charlotte Gainsbourg, actress and close collaborator with the Danish Jew/Nazi director. ‘Do I put a semi-colon there? When do I use a hyphen? When do I use brackets? Only a fearless visionary like Lars dares to uncover this topic.’


Thinking unthinkable thoughts (again)

Punctuation has frequently caused controversy in the world of films, ever since Ruggero Deodato’s film Cannibal Holo-Caust was withdrawn from circulation in Italy because of the incorrect use of a hyphen. Like wise, One Flew Over the Cuckoos’ Nest had it’s apostrophe moved by American censors, causing Milos Forman to withdraw from film making for seven years.

It was partly to avoid such restrictions that Von Trier (or Lars No-Stranger-to-Vontroversy Trier as he prefers to be known) gave his film a saucy title and pretended Shia La Beouf was in it. However, the release onto the internet of the first poster with the tag line ‘Forget about Love’ cleared indicated that the film was about the correct placement of parentheses and not rumpy-pumpy.

Xavier Poulis – our very own Swiss cheese expert and cinema critic – has however pointed out that: ‘the brackets are so placed as maybe to resemble a lady’s naughty parts, but I’m sure that is just a coincidence.’

Nymphomaniac: A Tale of Two Brackets will probably be a surprise late entrant in the Cannes Film Festival.

LARS VON TRIER EXPLODES

COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.

The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang. 

Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’

The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’

However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.

Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’

NYMPHOMANIAC: ON SET REPORT









COPENHAGEN – Lars Von Trier is more commonly known for his light as fluff family friendly comedies, such as Antichrist and Breaking the Waves, so it came as a shock when it was announced that he was going to make what is already being dubbed as the Debbie Does Dallas of Denmark. Studio Exec was privileged to be the only high-ranking media outlet to be allowed EXCLUSIVE access to the set.


When I arrive at the studio some miles north of Copenhagen it is early morning, but shooting has already begun. Candles have been lit. Incense smoke rises to the hot studio lights. Von Trier – or Larsey as he prefers to be known – is wearing the gag he got Gucci to design since his infamous appearance at Cannes in 2011. He says something indecipherable to Shia LaBeouf who is naked except for two nipples tassels – like the ones lady strippers wear in Vegas. Uma Thurman sits to one side, texting. “Quiet on the set” is called for, and some music with heavy vibes is played to get everyone in the mood and then the only sound that can be heard is a kind of wet slapping – like someone spanking a baby pig – and the occasional fragile sound of a woman crying out in ecstasy.

The film charts the sexual life of a woman named Joe, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg, who recounts her life as a self-styled nymphomaniac to the man who saved her from a beating. The high powered cast includes Lars Von Trier regulars like Stellan Skarsgard, Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe. At lunch, Dafoe is sitting with me now in the cafeteria, dressed as a plumber. I ask him about his role. “I’m a plumber.”, Dafoe says, “I come to fix her pipes. Then we have some dialogue, you know, ‘I need to screw this really hard’ ,and, ‘Oh, my nuts came loose’, and then we go for it.”

“What attracted you to the film?” I ask.

“Oh the writing,” Dafoe says. “Definitely the writing.”

Shia LaBeouf is wearing a dressing gown and eating coleslaw. “I hear you sent Lars a video of you having sex in order to get the part?” I say, “Is that true?”

“Yes and no.” answers the bafflingly famous actor. “I did send him a tape, but I’m an exhibitionist – I regularly send them to anyone I can. I didn’t even know he was making a film. I didn’t really know who he was, I mean ‘Lars’, is that really a man’s name? But once the story came out, it would have been like embarrassing to have just said you know. What’s your address by the way?”

As the day of filming end, I stand by the DP Manuel Claro. There have been girl on girl, man on girl, man on man and the day ended with an orgy scene. ‘It must be exhausting filming this,’ I say.

“Filming? I’ll let you in on a secret,” Claro leans close, “There’s no film in the camera. Larsey is just having his little joke. You know what he’s like.”

Nymphomaniac is due for release in December 2013