FELICITY JONES IS THE NEW DEN MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – Rogue One star Felicity Jones is the new den mother for ex-pat English drinking club The Jolly Bastards.

Felicity Jones takes over from Emilia Clarke as the new den mother of The Jolly Bastards. The Monster Calls and Rogue One star had this to say:

The Jolly Bastards are legendary. I’ve always been a bit starry-eyed, but to actually belong to the group is a dream come true. Emilia did a wonderful job and will be a tough act to follow. As tradition dictates, I killed a swan and used its head as a weapon as we fought on a greased pole with Emilia. It was a tough fight.

Begun in the 1930s as a slapping club for Cary Grant and David Niven, the Jolly Bastards has achieved notoriety for allegations of Swan murder and even human sacrifice. The LAPD for many years tried to bring charges, but were always confounded by the ‘delightful accents’ of the suspects. Emilia Clarke’s mothership of the group has seen an unprecedented shift in the diversity of the Bastards. Once seen as a bastion for male misbehavior the Bastards now features a number of feisty young English women, such as Emily Blunt and Keira Knightley. They can smash up restaurants, inflate cats and ignite policemen as good as Charles Dance.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

SIMON PEGG: ‘THE JOLLY BASTARDS ONCE MORE AT LARGE’

HOLLYWOOD – The British Ex-Pat actors club – The Jolly Bastards – is once more active, according to Simon Pegg.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec the Star Trek and Shaun of the Dead actor Simon Pegg has revealed how the British ex-pat bad behavior club ‘The Jolly Bastards’ has once more been reconvened:

The Jolly Bastards is meeting once more in Los Angeles and has opened branches also in New York and Toronto. They get together and spread mayhem, sometimes leading directly to the damage of property and the loss of life and then escape any kind of punishment because they have such lovely accents.

Historically the Jolly Bastards were at the height of their powers in the 1980s with the likes of Rupert Everett, Charles Dance and Helena Bonham Carter ruling the Den as den mother. Following several high-profile murders in which members of the Jolly Bastards were actually found at the crime scene their hands ‘dipped in ruby gore’, as the police report stated, no one was charged due to ‘a great way with words’. More recently however fears have grown that the Jolly Bastards have returned. Benedict Cumberbatch is suspected of JB activities and when Tom Hiddleston kicked the head off of a swan in London two years ago, the Jolly Bastards were once more blamed. Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones is supposed to be the new den mother with her lackeys committing crimes at her villainous behest.

Simon Pegg has long been outspoken about the activities of compatriots but ‘only because I want to join’ as he admitted to the Studio Exec.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HELEN MIRREN

HOLLYWOOD – Who knows who Helen Mirren actually is? No one that’s who.

Here comes another storm of fact blizzards, freezing the wavering of doubt and making snowmen of the falsehood and gossip buckets of Hollywood. Dame Helen Mirren, fact off!

  1. While making the revolutionary film O Lucky Man with Malcolm McDowell, Dame Mirren accidentally hit her leading man so hard in the testicles one of them popped into his head and he has had to use it as an eye ever since.  
  2. Dame Mirren openly criticised the Tinto Brass film Caligula because it wasn’t sexy or violent enough, even though many criticised it for the hardcore pornography and sadism in the film. ‘They’re all namby-pamby,’ said Dame Mirren. ‘What’s wrong with a bit of old murder and randy doings?’
  3. Helen Mirren’s real name is Helen Lydia Constantinople Mironoff. Her mother was English but her father was a famous Russian trapeze anarchist whose speciality was throwing bombs into the audience as he swung above their heads. His career came to the end when he decided that safety nets and trapezes were actually ideological constraints to artistic expression and plunged to his death on the next performance. 
  4. Despite her fame in the television drama Prime Suspect, Dame Helen Mirren has never been the Prime Suspect of a murder investigation, nor has she ever been party to the investigation of one. Her friends say she has never been a prime suspect because she is very good at choosing her victims and covering her tracks. Fellow murderer Charles Dance said that ‘Of all of us, Helen was the most brutally efficient murderer. She beat Hugh Grant into a cocked hat.’
  5. When playing the Queen in the film The Queen, Dame Helen Mirren insisted on meeting the Queen and walking behind her very very close, so that she was almost touching her, for an entire week. The Queen let it be known that she didn’t mind and even found Dame Helen Mirren’s proximity ‘strangely soothing.’
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

MICHAEL FASSBENDER AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE STAR IN HERBIE GOES BANANAS LIVE READ

LOS ANGELES – Jason Reitman’s live read of Herbie Goes Bananas was a star-studded fest for fans of everyone’s favorite VW bug with Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence taking the leads.

For many Herbie Goes Bananas is the apotheosis of all the Herbie films, beating even 1968’s The Love Bug for the quality of its writing, physical comedy, madcap direction and subtle characterization.  In the live read, Michael Fassbender played Pete, Jennifer Lawrence played Melissa and Mark Hamill played Herbie, Captain Blythe and Aunt Louise. The biggest surprise of the night was Benedict Cumberbatch who played Pringle one of a trio of villains originally played by John Vernon. Quentin Tarantino voiced the other two villains Quinn and Shepherd.

Tarantino spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the live read:

This is a wonderful new way of discovering and rediscovering films. Herbie Goes Bananas was the fourth Herbie film and a work of delightful joie di vivre, perhaps one of the best live action film Disney made. And yet behind the slapstick humor and the apparently light tone, there is a scathing satire on South American dictatorships and specifically the Pinochet regime in Chile. Herbie’s silence stands for the repressed free press and the proletariat’s revolutionary potential.

Jason Reitman explained how the reading had offered up some surprises.

Pete in the original film is just a boy but Michael Fassbender obviously gave the performance of a grown man. And Mark Hamill’s voice work was exemplary. The enthusiasm which greeted the live reading was fantastic, much better than The Empire Strikes Back read which everyone agreed was a pile of dump.

Jason Reitman’s Live Read series continues with The Cat from Outer Space.

5 HISTORICAL INACCURACIES IN THE IMITATION GAME

HOLLYWOOD – In our review of The Imitation Game we already pointed out some of the worst historical inaccuracies in the Oscar nominated film, but here for the joy of pedants are 5 more.

1. The machine that Alan Turing invents was not called Christopher, but the Bombe. This name stood for Bloody Outstanding Maths Based Egg-wonk.

2. Admiral Dennison played by Charles Dance is seen throughout the film as an antagonist to the Maths genius, trying to obstruct Turing’s work whereas in fact he was an avuncular figure full of warmth and encouragement, as this letter from Turing proves: ‘Dear old Denners surprised everyone with a box of chocolates each, Monday last, Wednesday it was a tea-cosy he’d knitted himself and on the weekend everyone was invited round to the  big house for hot soapy limb rubs. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty!’

3. Alan Turing is seen in the film running, whereas running was actually invented in 1972, long after the events that the film portrays.

4. The character played by Keira Knightley – Joan Clarke – actually had a very deep voice and was plagued her whole life by a noisy asthmatic breathing condition. Following the war, she never saw Turing again and instead pursued a career as a voice artist and in 1976 provided the much loved voice for Darth Vader in George Lucas’ ‘Star Wars’ film.

5. There is much controversy behind the flat statement that Alan Turing committed suicide which ends the film. Some believe that this was indeed the case, but there are other theories that the poisoning might have been accidental and resulted from fumes rather than the ingestion of a cyanide laced apple. Others believe that Turing might have been murdered by the British Secret Service after he threatened to reveal that Elisabeth II was actually a robot he had invented and built during the war called E.T.H.E.L.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE! 

THE IMITATION GAME: REVIEW

THE IMITATION GAME: REVIEW – Maths boffin Alan Turing (Benedict Cumberbatch) invents the computer, wins World War Two and escapes marriage with Keira Knightley.

The problem with posthumous fame is you’re f*cking dead. Turing was a genius, a genuine innovator and thinker whose ability to solve problems was instrumental in cracking the Enigma code and bringing the war to an early close, saving millions of lives. It is difficult to overstate his achievements, especially in a society which chooses to deify a marketing wonk like Steve Jobs. Of course, he didn’t expect a medal, such is the nature of espionage and he knew the territory. The secrecy continued because MI6 carefully captured as many Enigma machines as it could following the war and doled them out to allies who – unaware that the code had been broken – used them for sensitive communications to the delight of MI6. Turing’s lack of fame was turned to infamy when he was charged with gross indecency – homosexuality – (BTW can we appropriate ‘gross indecency’; I like the ring of it) and offered the choice of two years in jail or chemical castration. His death soon after was shrouded in some suspicion – was he bumped off, or was it suicide? One way or another there has been a lingering sense of injustice, that a man who gave so much to his country was let down by that same country.

No Google doodle can redress such wrong, nor even the royal pardon he received from Queen Elizabeth II (and doesn’t a pardon still recognize the legitimacy of the unjust law?), but what about a Benedict Cumberbatch movie?

Well, first of this is a handsomely made, well acted and entertaining drama in on-going series to show how Great Britain won the war, overcoming speech impediments, social embarrassment and floppy hair along the way. It’s like The King’s Speech with hard sums. Cumberbatch is proving himself the genuine article, a fine character actor and Keira Knightley as Joan Clarke, as a colleague and confidant, is not annoying! Matthew Goode as the more socially able boffin Hugh Alexander. It’s a pity that Charles Dance’s Admiral Dennison becomes the villain, considering he also was responsible for facilitating the success of the code-breakers and the antagonism is an invention of the filmmakers. More seriously, an invented subplot featuring Soviet mole John Cairncross is poorly thought out. Cairncross never worked with Turing and the suggestion that Turing knew of his activity both does a gross disservice to Turing (making him in effect party to treachery) and enforcing the prejudice that homosexuals are open to just such blackmail and therefore shouldn’t be employed in the service of the country.

These objections are not trivial, especially for a man who was so maligned and shabbily treated. However, that said,

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

BEN KINGSLEY’S DOG FIGHTING SHAME

HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winner and Knight Bachelor of the British Empire Sir Ben Kingsley today admitted that he is  a dog fighting addict.

The Gandhi star, Ben Kingsley, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I know it is indefensible, but the rush of blood that I get when I see two canines, with razor sharp teeth, goaded by large men in black bomber jackets in a derelict industrial waste site in South East Wales, snarling and snapping and fighting to the death… I mean winning the Oscar for Gandhi was a high, but this is higher.

The Mandarin confessed that his love of dog fighting started while he was researching his role as foul mouthed gangster Don Logan in 2000’s Sexy Beast.

It was a way of entering into the mind of Don and the idiom that he inhabits. But once the film was made and I usually shrug off the character like an old coat, I found myself at the docks watching two pit bulls savage each other while I bayed like a frenzied animal myself.

Kingsley confessed that he had been seeking aid from an RSPCA group dedicated to helping Dog Fight Addicts to ween themselves off the habit. A spokesperson for the group said that ‘Sir Ben is a welcome member of the group and is sincere in his wish to do away with this horrific form of entertainment. He has also regaled us with many an amusing anecdote from the worlds of stage and screen.’

Love of dog fighting has also been a traditional trait of the ex-pats actors’ club the Jolly Bastards, who many blame for spreading riotous and immoral behavior among the finest thespians, including Charles Dance, Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch. Kingsley was a member of the club for a couple of years in the early eighties but turned whistle-blower after Alan Rickman murdered a dolphin for a jape.

Sir Ben Kingsley will be seen in 2015 in The Jungle Book. 

JAVIER BARDEM PULLS OUT OF BLANKET FACE

HOLLYWOOD – Rumors are rife today that Javier Bardem has dropped out of Sam Raimi’s low budget horror shocker Blanket Face currently in pre-production, because the Spanish Skyfall star wants to do a Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Sources close to Bardem said that the star was concerned that scenes of early morning facial distress might have an adverse effect on his career. He is also understood to have always been a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, specifically for the way they make money. If true, the news comes as another blow for the Drag Me to Hell director’s dream project which has already suffered from two other high profile desertions, Sandra Bullock and Charles Dance.

The synopsis for the film reads:

The latest in extreme horror, Blanket Face tells the terrifying tale of a mythical psycho-beast who creeps into bedrooms at night and leaves disconcerting lines on the faces of his victims. Psychic explorers Jose (Javier Bardem) and Margo (Sandra Bullock) check into the Fern Grove Hotel where creepy owner Xavier Fern (Charles Dance) has seen his business collapse as a result of Blanket Face’s antics. Can they defeat the ancient evil? Or will they too look like they ought to rub their faces with hot towels?

Blanket Face is due out in 2015. 

 

GAME OF THRONES: SEASON 4: EPISODE 6

Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons One through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

WESTEROS – I’ve been occasionally harsh on Game of Thrones this season, but it’s tough love and I was pleased to see the series regain some of its impetus in ‘The Laws of Gods and Men‘.

This was due in large part to Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister briefly regaining center stage and facing off with his father (an imperiously brilliant Charles Dance).

The show opens with the failed rescue of Theon Greyjoy/Reek, which has to be one of the most Monty Python moments of the show’s history – ‘Attack! Attack!’, ‘release the hounds’, ‘Run away! Run away!’ I do like Iwan Rheon as the lightly voiced nutcase Ramsay Snow, but I find myself waiting for this bit to end rather than following it with any real interest.

Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is proving a fairly hopeless Queen. Her decision to compensate a goatherd three times the value of the goats her dragon immolated can only lead to widespread goat burning surely. And the noble who pleads to bury his father revealed her moral and practical naivety. She didn’t think the Masters had families? She doesn’t believe those families might lie? But everyone looks smug and happy with her education, until she finds out how many supplicants she has – over two hundred! Oh no. But wait a minute. Aren’t you the Queen? Just tell them to f*ck off. Or you know, come back tomorrow.

But then the scene was set for the trial and what has to be the best dramatic set piece thus far of the season. This is what elevates the HBO show above most other fare, characters that we care about coming head to head. Some of the strongest actors in the whole show were given their moment to pile on Tyrion, betraying him with a Tyrion’s Greatest Hits. He was always a smart mouth and now it looks like getting him killed. With studied economy, Dinklage was allowed only to play reactions. It was well directed by Alik Sakharov, who gave the characters space and time to do their thing. And the timing was excellent, as Tyrion’s increasing humiliation built, the possibility of a release, the final straw, the most painful rekjection and then his beautifully played rage. Magnificent. Keep it up.

For more on Game of Thrones Click HERE.   

GAME OF THRONES: SEASON 4: EPISODE 1

Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons one through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

WESTEROS – Charles Dance makes two new swords.

Jaime Banister gets a new hand.
A new character called Prince Ozric Tentacles is introduced, who is a sexy sinister psychopath. 
Joffrey is a toss bucket. 

Danearys Targattiun wanders about with a bigger army, bigger dragons, more boyfriends who secretly fancy her and at some point someone says ‘Let’s do this (cause you’re a girl)’ and she says ‘no, let’s do the opposite (cause I’m a surprising girl and now I’ve secretly won your grudging admiration. Am I right? Thought so.)’
Despite being a member of the victorious most ruthless family and a high member of the King’s government, everyone is still treating Tyrion ‘the Imp’ Banister like shit but he will no doubt outwit everyone, and shows that he cares for Sansa and proves the age old adage fall in love and become genuinely boring.
Jon Snow was boring before he fell in love. 
Thank the Gods for the Hound and Arya Stark liking chicken.

For all our Game of Thrones news CLICK HERE.

EMILIA CLARKE BECOMES LODGE MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – You’ll know her as Daenerys Targarayen on HBO’s Game of Thrones, but British born actress Emilia Clarke today was enrolled as the Lodge Mother of the Ex-Pat British Actors Club, The Jolly Bastards.

At a ceremony at exclusive Santa Monica restaurant Chinois on Main, Jolly Bastards President Benedict Cumberbatch said that everyone was ‘frightfully thrilled at the news’:

Emilia has a pair of stunning eyebrows and we’re all going to have a lot of fun getting up to high jinks and japes over here in our favorite former colony, America-landia. And so say all of us!

The Jolly Bastards was originally formed in the 1960s by Cary Grant and David Niven, but through the years has become the gang of choice for former UK thespians living in La-La Land. Ms. Clarke was introduced to the group by fellow Game of Thrones star and long time Jolly Bastard Charles Dance. Other members include Tom Hiddleston and Alan Rickman.

The group has caused some controversy in the past as it has allegedly (actually self-confessedly) been involved in a number of crimes including Swan murder, but which the LAPD have declined to investigate because the perpetrators ‘have such charming accents.’

The mayhem is likely to only increase with the glorious Ms. Clarke now counted alongside Carey Mulligan and Judi Dench in the female wing of the group.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

CHARLES DANCE: ‘YES, I MURDERED FOR FUN’

COPENHAGEN – Veteran stage, TV and film actor Charles Dance admitted in an interview with Danish bacon magazine Swine that, in his early days at Hollywood, he would regularly murder strangers for fun.

“This was the early 80s, and there was something exciting in the air,” Dance told Swine journalist Bogdon Hergwitz. “I was young and I’d just finished The Jewel in the Crown mini-series for the BBC. My agent sent me out to Hollywood and I got work in Plenty, The Golden Child and White Mischief. I was riding high and I got into a fast crowd and yes, some people got murdered.”

Among the gang were other British actors Julian Sands, Rupert Everett and Alan Rickman. The best thing in Alien 3 said:

We would typically go round to someone’s house for drinks and then out to a restaurant for dinner, after which we would pick a stranger at random and murder them. We never bothered with alibis or disguises, or even avoiding witnesses. Everyone knew we were doing it, but when the police interviewed us they would find our English accents so charming they’d let us off with a warning.

Over the years it is estimated that the Jolly Bastards – as they called themselves – murdered over 50 people. Mr Dance, who returns to our screens soon as the Lannister patriarch in Game of Thrones:

In all honesty, we lost count. I remember Julian kept a scrapbook and Rupert collected fingers, but both of them got muddled so I don’t know. It all came to an end when Hugh Grant joined the group. His excesses were so vile it made us all take a long hard look at ourselves and we didn’t like what we saw. So we stopped. 

Do you regret your actions? The lives you cut short?

No, absolutely not, it was fun. Why should I regret it?

Game of Thrones Season 4 is currently filming and will involve a rich harvest of naked breasts.  

CUMBERBATCH AND PEGG KILL AND EAT THE MADAGASCAR PENGUINS

movies 2013HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg have been accused of hunting, capturing, killing and eating the real life penguins from the popular Dreamworks film series Madagascar.

The accusations is only the latest outrage to be blamed on the Jolly Bastards – the club formed by Charles Dance for British actors working in Hollywood. In the past they have been linked with the Tim Hiddleston swan murder affair (of which he was eventually cleared) as well as many unsolved homicides from the 1980s. The latest incident followed weeks of increasingly vitriolic criticism of the penguins of Madagascar by both Pegg and Cumberbatch. ‘I hate those penguins,’ said the actor who has given his voice to Smaug in the latest installment of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. ‘Irritating flightless shit sticks.’

The World’s End star Simon Pegg used an interview with Esquire to express ‘my contempt for the lazy way in which the penguins of Madagascar fall back on easy stereotypes of Englishness for comic purposes. That’s my job.’ 

Following a burglary in the penguin compound at Dreamworks, the penguins were found to be missing. 
Cumberbatch admitted to having eaten them to the police, but they were so charmed by his accent they forgot to press charges. Likewise, Pegg was open about having strangled and grilled the penguins, saying they were delicious with ‘Tabasco sauce, though chewy’. However, his full and unnecessarily detailed confession was ruled inadmissible because ‘of his hilariously self-deprecating sense of humor’.

A spokesperson for Dreamworks said that they were devastated and refused to comment on how the loss of the animals would effect plans for a sequel. ‘We are in grief,’ said the spokesperson. ‘How can you even think of such a trivial question at a time like this?’

Madagascar 4: The Search for the Penguins will be released in 2015. 

IAN HOLM ADMITS TO SMOKING BELUSHI

LINCOLNSHIRE – He is famous to audiences as the original Bilbo Baggins from Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, but Ian Holm has had a long and chequered career as the wild man of British acting. The latest revelations published in his autobiography Holm Sweet Holm look set to shock the Hollywood community. 

The 82 year old actor began his career in the 1960s but came to prominence with his role as Ash the ‘science officer’ in Ridley Scott’s Alien. The book includes many witty anecdotes including how he once thrashed Dudley Moore with a belt. However, the most shocking chapter relates to the adventures of the Jolly Bastards, a club for British actors in Hollywood which has previously been exposed by the Studio Exec (CLICK HERE to read more):

oniony

We were wild in those days and I have to say I did several things – goaded on by Ralph Richardson and Charles Dance – which I am no longer proud of. One night, we were in James Belushi’s Hollywood bungalow, when we found some suspicious white powder in a lovely vase. ‘Go on, smoke it,’ Ralph said, and ever game for a dare, of course I did, only to find myself looking at a horrified young Jimmy Belushi who told me I’d just smoked his brother’s ashes. Of course, at first he was very upset but then after a while and under some heavy persuasion from Charlie, he was gradually convinced that it was precisely what John would have wanted. I’m afraid to say though, I was never invited back.

 Holm Sweet Holm is available from Amazon and all good bookshops.