MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is out in 2020.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TERRENCE MALICK

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows Terrence Malick is a genius, but no one knows why.

The Studio Exec FACT Squad have spent the weekend listening to whispering voice-overs and cavorting around wheat fields during the magic hour. The Terrence Malick FACTS are as follows:

1. Between the release of Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998), Terrence Malick opened up a meat providing business called Malick’s Meats, which provided restaurants with high quality meat substances, pastes, salami, burgers and sausages. However, in 1995 Malick sickened by the stench of blood and endless killing – which he would participate in personally donning a special slaughtering apron that made his torso look like the Venus di Milo – he decided to return to film making.

Malick (1982)

2. Although he has a reputation as a recluse, Terry is actually a party animal whose favorite tipple is Jagermeister. His contract stipulates a constant supply of Jagermeister which he drinks via a feeding pipe that is hidden in his hat. His love of hats is legendary, with the director appearing as April in a free calendar given to French readers of the January 1985 edition of Chapeau.

3. Malick’s reputation as a philosopher is unearned. He doesn’t like reading and when asked about Heidegger told the interviewer that he didn’t watch much soccer.

4. Many actors credit Malick with offering them valuable career advice. Richard Gere, Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen all won early fame in Malick’s films. Jim Caviezel would pester Malick incessantly about what role he should take after The Thin Red Line. ‘Jesus Christ!’ the director finally exploded and Caviezel took him at his word.

5. The quality of each Terrence Malick film goes down in inverse proportion to the number of editors who work on the film. Badlands = 1 editor. To the Wonder = 5 editors. Knight of Cups = 243 editors.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

MEL GIBSON ANNOUNCES PASSION OF THE CHRIST FOLLOW UP: EASTER

HOLLYWOOD – Today Mel Gibson broke a long silence to reveal that his next directing project will be a follow up to his 2004 Biblical blockbuster The Passion of the Christ, provisionally entitled Easter.

In an interview with exclusive French culture magazine Chapeau, Gibson revealed that he had been working on the project for three years but kept getting distracted by the Jews.

Gibson stated:

I’ve been really attached to this story because I am a devout Catholic and I love all that Jesus stuff. If you’ll notice the original film was called The Passion of the Christ, and that second definite article gave me the idea of doing a Passion of another Christ but then I thought no; that’s stupid. And I decided on Easter.

What happens in the film?

We start right off from where we left off with Jesus (SPOILER ALERT) stomping out of the grave, ready for some payback. It’s funny because this combines two things I love. 1. Being a Catholic and the Jesus stuff and 2. Revenge films like Mad Max and Payback. So Jesus kind of get his own back on all the people who hurt him during the first film. He whips the centurions to death, he kills Pilate and his wife by sabotaging their chariot and then he seriously fucks up the Pharisees.

But isn’t revenge inconsistent with the Christian values?

What? NO, of course not. What the…? I mean Jesus Christ, no. Goddamn it! Are you lecturing me on my own religion? You know nothing (hyperventilating) NOTHING!!

Sacre bleu!

I’ve been so good to you giving you this exclusive interview and you question me? I mean that’s such bullshit!

At which point Mr. Gibson broke something of his own which he really liked and then stormed out of the room.

Easter is due to start filming in the Summer.

ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.

 

JENNIFER LAWRENCE SUPPORTS DEATH GAMES

HOLLYWOOD – Forbes list top 100 header and Hunger Games actress Jennifer Lawrence came out today with a provocative argument for the alleviation of what she calls ‘the number one environmental danger: over-population’.

Continue reading “JENNIFER LAWRENCE SUPPORTS DEATH GAMES”

ANGELINA JOLIE: ‘BRAD SMELLS LIKE A 3 DAY OLD TURD’

HOLLYWOOD – Men wore small satisfied smiles and women wept in the streets as Angelina Jolie came out with some shocking intimate details on Brad Pitt‘s hygiene regime or the lack thereof.

According to a source close to the couple, Pitt had gone off soap after reading that many of the antibacterial ingredients actually accelerated the aging process.  

First Brad started using herbal infusions and vinegar but soon he even thought that was too perfume-y and so he preferred rolling in a puddle and then he’d rub himself down with old newspaper he found on the street. 

Jolie stated that the results were that every time Brad stretched, walked past her, or broke into a run her eyelashes and nasal hair would be singed by the stench. “He smells like a 3 day old turd,” she told a confidante who put it on speaker phone so we could all hear. “If he wants to get his jollies with legs Jolie, he’s gonna have to hit the sheep dip and pronto!'”

Brad Pitt responded to the rumours in an interview with French Cultural magazine Chapeau:

Being clean is really just a societal thing. I mean what is clean anyway? Someone says, brush your teeth, shampoo your hair, scrub your face. Well I say, f*ck that! I say, I’m Brad Pitt and I like the tone of my pits.

He revealed that his daily routine involved:

  • combing his hair (facial, pubic and head) with fish bones he saved from dinner
  • brushing his teeth with year old wedding cake
  • mud baths, with mud made from fresh cow dung 

Following the publication of the interview and in recognition of his status as an honorary Frenchman, the French have awarded Brad le Pitts the Legion of Honour. 

DIANA CRITICISED FOR CHANGING HISTORY


WINDSOR – The new film charting the life of Princess Diana – called simply Diana – and starring Naomi Watts, has come under a barrage of criticism for ‘distorting the facts and rewriting history,’ from seasoned Royal Watcher and Suede front man Brett Anderson.
Anderson, speaking exclusively to French cultural magazine Chapeau, tore into the film claiming that many incidents in the People’s Princess’s life have been distorted, exaggerated or simply invented. 

I managed to read a script that was leaked onto the internet and at first I didn’t believe it, but then I saw the trailer and it confirmed my worst fears. In the film Diana runs everywhere. She runs down the street, through fields, on the beach. You do see her get into a car once or twice but then she gets out again before it goes anywhere. Also in the film she’s a doctor and spies for the CIA, two facts that are highly contested. There’s also a scene in which she meet Nicole Kidman and spends twenty five minutes telling Nicole Kidman that she’s a rubbish actress. I know for a fact that Princess Diana quite liked Nicole Kidman, especially in BMX Bandits and Dead Calm

Anderson went on to claim that scenes of Diana playing ping pong had been excised from the story.

Diana was one of the most passionate advocates and partitioners of ping pong along with her husband Prince Charles. They would play for seven or eight hours straight and not even stop for meals. Their children would go hungry and once Princess Diana’s mother-in-law Helen Mirren had her crown knocked off by a ping pong ball hit with rather too much back spin by the heir to the throne. It was THIS incident which caused the estrangement between the royal couple and yet there is nothing about ping pong in the script or the trailer. 

Diana is released in September, 2013. Watch the trailer.

TARANTINO ADMITS ‘CHINESE VERSION OF DJANGO UNCHAINED BETTER’

BEIJING – Quentin Tarantino today admitted that the Chinese cut of his film Django Unchained is actually much better than his own internationally released version.

Although initially it was thought that the cuts imposed were due to the censorship of violence and the bloodiness of the film, Tarantino revealed that Chinese editors were instead trying to fix the last act.

In an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, Tarantino said he’d seen the different version and agreed with the changes: ‘I only wish I had seen this version before I released mine.’
In a top secret email to the director, the Chinese editors explained the changes they had made and their reasons. [SPOILERS]


Dear Mr. Tarantino,

We have finished our cut of your exciting Western film Django Unchained and for your interest here is a list of the cuts we have made. We hope that you are not too upset with us as we are great fans of your work, especially Jackie Brown.


  • 7 minutes have been cut from Christoph Waltz’s performance. He is good, but really we don’t need him twirling his moustaches and blathering on for quite so long. Plus giving a white German the name ‘King’ and hinting that he is the intellectual inspiration behind the emancipation of black people is a bit raw. We have toned this down.
  • We cut Franco Nero from the film. You put him in and he did nothing. It was an insult to a great actor to use him simply as a quotation. 
  • Our most radical cut has been the ending. We cut the section between Di Caprio and Waltz’s final scene and the final shoot out. This has several advantages. 1. We lose the Australians (including that fat faced fool of an actor who blows up [where on earth did you find such a fool?]). 2. The opportunity given to Django to escape is simply unbelievable and the long-winded motivation given by Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is silly beyond belief. 3. The loss of two major characters leaves much the rest of the film without energy and so to conflate the two gunfight makes more sense. We have added a line of dialogue -‘Oh, here’s another gun!’ – to make it more credible.
We hope you are not to angry with us Mr. T. 
 
Best Wishes, Chinese editors

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. TO RETURN TO ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – While promoting his blockbusting new film Iron Man 3, Robert Downey Jr. hinted at a press conference in Quebec that he might be returning to acting after a fifteen year absence.

‘I do miss it,’ he said. ‘And should the right script come along I might be persuaded, but I am making a lot of money just being me with different names.’

In a moment of almost embarrassing candor he continued:

Acting is actually quite hard work. You have to get a character and maybe even research him or at least think about him and then pretend to have these emotions and experiences and what not. With Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, I’m just me and then we swap the names in post.

Downey Jr. cited Chaplin as the film when he last put in a proper performance. ‘Since then it has been free-wheeling fun,’ he laughed.

Downey Jr. reacted angrily however when one journalist – Xavier Poulis of the French cultural magazine Chapeau – asked him if he would apologize for his participation in Shaggy Dog, a Tim Allen ‘comedy’ which caused widespread offence in the Islamic world because ‘it was shit’. Downey snarled:

As an artist I would defend anyone’s right to express themselves freely, and I think as a kind of hack, I ought to have the same rights as an artist.

Iron Man 3 something something money money.

ANG LEE TALKS POSSIBLE BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN 2

HOLLYWOOD – Brokeback Mountain was a breakthrough film for its two young leads Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, an Oscar winner and an immediate seminal film for the gay community and now Ang Lee – talking to French cultural magazine Chapeau – has hinted that he might be interested in filming Brokeback Mountain 2.

When asked about future projects, Mr. Lee first told the interviewer about his project based on the Little Book of Calm starring Joe Pesci (for more on that story CLICK HERE), but pushed to look further ahead, the Hulk director said the following:

I’ve always wanted to go back to the world that Annie Proulx and Larry McMurty created for Brokeback and revisit those characters. It’s especially fitting that we should see how Jake’s character responds to Ennis’ death, seeing how Heath is no longer with us.

 Je ne comprends pas! C’est ridicule! It is the Ennis character who is alive at the end of the film and Jack Twist who dies.

Was it? Jesus. Really? 

Ma oui! 

I suppose I’ve always wanted to revisit the world of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I wanted to find out what happened to Chow Yun Fat’s character, having to deal with Michelle Yeoh’s death.   

Brokeback Mountain 2 will be released in 2015. 

HILARY SWANK: ‘IT’S ALL RIGHT TO SHOOT HOMELESS PEOPLE’

HOLLYWOOD – In another PR blunder, Oscar winner Hilary Swank has told a French fashion magazine that ‘It’s alright to shoot homeless people if you don’t mean to kill them, but just want to, you know, wing them.’

The Million Dollar Baby in person told Valeria Homage, the editor for Parisian based glossie Chapeau, that many Hollywood actresses going on hobo hunting sprees as a way of relieving the tension. ‘Many of us have to watch our figure,’ Swank said. ‘We are constantly pressure and criticized and every word we say, the clothes we wear, all of it is watched and judged. So to help feel better we dress as ninjas and head off to the hobo jungles with some firearms. The game is to … you know … hit an elbow or a kneecap. If you kill one that’s definitely bad taste.’

Private Island

Although Ms. Swank refused to name names, she did say that ‘Bat Girl’ has a private island and ships in homeless people from Eastern Europe that she then hunts in a helicopter using a powerful rifle with telescopic sights. ‘It’s Anne’s way of relaxing,’ Hilary giggles before covering her mouth and coquettishly realizing she might have made a blunder.

Ms. Swank was in trouble in 2012 having performed at a concert for Chechen leader widely famed for his human rights abuses. Rumors that she was paid in human ears have since been proved false. ‘Why would I want to be paid in ears?’ she said. ‘If I wanted an ear, believe me I could get one myself.’

Ms. Hathaway was not available for comment, as she was at her island retreat ‘relaxing’.

ARGO ACTION FIGURES CAUSE CONTROVERSY

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck’s multiple award winning film Argo is at the centre of a row similar to that which recently engulfed Django Unchained.

A company from North Carolina has produced a range of action figures based on the Iranian hostage drama. Some critics such as Xavier Poulis have argued that the commercialization of the film’s subject matter is ‘entirely inappropriate’.

Poulis Switzerland’s leading film expert stated in an article for French culture magazine Chapeau:

This was a terrible time in American history and to give children toys with which to play hostage rescue is unbelievable trite. Little girls and boys should be playing cowboys and Indians and not Hostages and Terrorists.

Ben Affleck who was in London last night to pick up several more awards to put in his bulging award sack said that he thought the idea was great. ‘It’s educational,’ said Good Will Hunting’s dumb pal. ‘And we get 23 percent of the profits. So what’s not to like?’

  

SARAH JESSICA PARKER FIRED FROM STRIKING DISTANCE 2

Muffy (right)

HOLLYWOOD – Producer Ron Bozman revealed today in a candid interview in French cultural magazine Chapeau that Sarah Jessica Parker has been fired from the sequel to the 1993 film Striking Distance – provisionally entitled Striking Distance 2: A New Boat – which is currently filming in Louisiana. Parker, who was reprising her role as Jo Christman, was apparently “very difficult” to work with.
“You wouldn’t believe the attitude… I got called to the set almost everyday,” said Bozman. “Her husband Matthew Broderick’d call all the time while we were filming. You think she’d be a bit more professional but she’d just start screaming and say he needed her.” He recalled the event that broke the horse’s back: “He drove all the way down to the set… wearing a ridiculous pink apron, babbling about a recipe for snickerdoodles… and that was when I said she was out.”

Rowdy Herrington, director of the original film, refused the project as he is currently busy directing puppet shows for seniors at the Soft Twilight Nursing Home for Dignified Incontinence. The studio then turned to Renny Harlin, whose schedule was very open: in between filming the occasional episode of a USA network series, he spends his time standing on the Rocky Mountains where his 1993 film Cliffhanger was shot, simply screaming “Why?” 

A lot of footage had been shot with Parker, but relief came in the form of an acting horse, rising animal star Muffy McGee, one of the few survivors of Peter Jackson’s animal holocaust. Bozman gushed about Parker’s replacement: “We put Muffy on set and continued filming, we were amazed it matched the rest of the footage perfectly.”

Bruce Willis, who is reprising his role as Det. Tom Hardy, was unconcerned about the re-casting of his co-star. “Am I getting paid for these questions?” he asked. For a moment he stood in silence with one eye closed and a crooked smirk on his face, then continued: “It doesn’t really matter to me who my co-star is, I’m getting paid. I stopped caring long ago… I mean, remember my role on Friends, or Armageddon? Who would agree to work with David Schwimmer or Ben Affleck if they weren’t getting a fat check?”

It’s unclear if Parker’s firing will affect her career. The only project the actress currently has in the pipeline is an unspecified role in Antoine Fuqua’s Mutha Flicka, which is said to be a “Dark and gritty” entry in the classic film series.

Striking Distance 2 is set for release this Fall.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND ARRESTED FOR TORTURE AND ILLEGAL KILLING

HOLLYWOOD- Film actor, Donald Sutherland son and all round furniture sitter on-er, Kiefer Sutherland was arrested today in Paris, France by Gendarmes serving an outstanding warrant from the International court of Human Rights in Brussels.

Sutherland had been relaxing in his hotel waiting for a journalist from the French Culture magazine Chapeau when officers broke the door down threw tear gas grenades into the luxury M. Hulot Suite and restrained Mr. Sutherland who tried to fight them off ‘with girlish open handed slaps’, according to one witness.

Mr. Sutherland is accused of 268 cases of homicide in incidents spanning from November of 2001 to late May of 2010, as well as accusations of torture, illegal detention, reckless driving, grievous bodily harm and inappropriate and protracted use of a husky voice. Mr. Sutherland responded to these accusations saying that he was playing a fictional television character called Jack Bauer in a popular series called 24, but the defence didn’t convince the prosecuting judge at the initial hearing, who stated: ‘c’est real! It is so realistic. It cannot be other than the truth.’

Prosecutors say that they have amassed a wealth of evidence, mostly comprising of ‘DVD box sets’:

‘We would have pounced earlier,’ said Maurice Hammier, ‘but we were waiting for the Blu-Ray.’