CHICAGO REBOOT ‘LESS SONGS; MORE FASCISM’

CHICAGO – The remake of the musical Chicago is to star Presidential candidate Donald Trump and will include more fascism and less jazz, it was revealed today.

The musical film Chicago originally starred Richard Gere, Renee Zellwegger and Catherine Zeta Jones, but the new version is set to include Donald Trump a rise in political violence unseen since the days of Mussolini and Renee Zellwegger.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Renee had this to say:

We’re really excited to go back to this material because it is so exciting and vital and relevant to today’s world. Donald has had a hand in rewriting all of the songs and I think the audiences are going to go crazy when they hear ‘Razzle Fascism’ and ‘Wall that Jazz’ and ‘Mister Climate Change’. My favorite though is the seamless reworking of ‘We Both Reached For The Gun’ which Donald rewrote as ‘We Both Believe that Obama Care Leads to Death Panels and Infringes the Basic Liberty of Poor Americans to Die Unbothered by Medical Attention.’

Rob Marshall returns to duties behind the camera and the best boy will be former brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson.

Chicago will be released in January 2017.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS RECEIVES MAGIC BLUE PENIS

JERUSALEM – Michael Douglas was on stage in Jerusalem last night to receive a Magic Blue Penis from the hands of Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

The Magic Blue Penis is given every five years to men of proven virility and Michael Douglas received it ‘in recognition of his cockmanship and priapism’, as the official statement read. Former recipient Jay Leno shared the stage with Douglas and the Israeli Prime Minister, along with a number of extraordinarily ugly Russian oligarchs who were intent on touching the Magic Blue Penis which is said to have magic powers. Netanyahu, in presenting the award, congratulated Michael Douglas on years of potency:

In your private life you have had some troubles with this, but you have overcome them in a way that makes everyone who has a large manhood proud. In your professional life, you have given us classics such as Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, War of the Roses and Disclosure, showing that the man with the penis is always surrounded by crazy ladies, who he must love, but also occasionally kill. Now with the Magic Blue Penis, which is the stamp of approval that men yearn for everywhere, we believe you will be able to go back to America and spread messages of peace, inclusiveness and girth.

The Magic Blue Penis was first discovered near the source of the Nile. Scientists still squabble about its exact composition, but no one has ever called into question its effects. Even a brief exposure to the penis will render the holder irresistible to women and elephants.

Michael Douglas was eager to thank his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, and his father Kirk Douglas for being an inspiration. The runner up prize – the Magic Blue Balls – was awarded to David Letterman for services to television.

HILL STREET BLUES: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – The most popular Eighties cop show Steven Bochco’s Hill Street Blues is finally getting a film version, courtesy of Martin Scorsese.

The new film version will star Robert de Niro as Captain Frank Furillo, Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Belker and Catherine Zeta Jones as Joyce Davenport. Leonardo di Caprio will play Lt. Howard Hunter. Scorsese spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

For years I’ve been trying to make an epic of police vs. criminals film and I’ve done my best with Mean Streets, Goodfellas and Casino, but I’ve never really got there. I mean if you look at my career, you would have to say it is a complete and utter failure. The Hill Street Blues was always my inspiration. And now I have the chance to really do a proper thing and not that shitness which was Boardwalk Empire.

The story – set in West Chica-Brooklyn-go, LA – features a whole sequences of crime stories and private lives that will be intertwined and resolved in the space of 90 minutes.The story features an undercover operation that has gone wrong and will basically be The Departed but with a retro feel and a whole plethora of English actors will use their best generic American accents.

Hill Street Blues: Let’s Do it to Them Before They Do it to Us will be released in 2016.

CATHERINE ZETA JONES ASKS EVERYONE TO STOP SNIGGERING

HOLLYWOOD – Catherine Zeta Jones actress and wife of Michael Douglas has requested formally that everyone stop sniggering when she enters a room.

The request came after her husband revealed in an interview with the British newspaper The Manchester Guardian that his cancer may have been caused by cunnilingus.

A statement issued by a PR firm representing the actress stated:

Following recent statements by my husband regarding the possible cause of his medical condition, my life has been made very difficult. Every time I enter a restaurant, a party, a public function or a place of worship, there is an immediate silence which is then followed by a sudden  explosion of hushed giggling and comments. This is making my life very difficult as I keep hearing the tail end of remarks that seem to refer to my lady parts.

The statement goes on for some pages as the Darling Buds of May and Zorro star lists various ways in which her southern zones have been imputed and denigrated.

I would just like everything to go back to normal and for my public appearances not to be besmirched by any more ridiculous fanny prattle.  

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STEVEN SODERBERGH’S NEXT LAST FILM TO BE STALKER REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Soderbergh‘s last last film was Side Effects, his latest last film is Behind the Candelabra is about to show at Cannes and his next last film – we found out today – is to be a remake of Andrei Tarkovsky‘s Stalker starring long time collaborator George Clooney in the title role.


The film involves a forbidden area of strange power called the Zone where a meteor once crashed. The Stalker (Clooney) leads two other men, a writer (Matt Damon) and a scientist (Brad Pitt), towards the center of the Zone where they will find the mysterious room, where apparently wishes come true.

Many have reacted with horror at the idea of the follically challenged whizz kid getting his greasy mitts on what many regard as the Russian master’s finest work, but writer and confessed Zone-head Geoff Dyer disagrees:

Soderbergh has already improved on Tarkovsky with his brilliant version of Solaris which absolutely knocked Tarkovsky’s version into a cocked hat. I’m sure he will do just as well with Stalker, which anyway is itself a remake of Wizard of Oz.

Soderbergh’s plans come as no surprise as it had already been announced that he will make a last film every year until 2025. The only surprise perhaps is this year he has already made three.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED

MIAMI – Christian Bale was arrested at a hotel suite in Miami, Florida in the early hours of this morning following a 911 call from a man identifying himself as Michael Keaton. A spokesman for the Miami PD in a statement issued shortly after 6 AM said ‘A young Caucasian adult male who has played Batman and is not Michael Keaton, or Adam West, was arrested at his hotel room at 4.13 this morning and charged with illegal possession of property.’
The possessions that were confiscated are thought to be a box set of Season 2 of The Wire which Christian Bale is believed to have borrowed from Mr. Keaton last Christmas and has not, as yet ‘got round  to watching, though I’ve heard some really good things about it,’ as he told Rolling Stone in May. Mr. Keaton befriended Mr. Bale following his casting as Batman:

Christian called me up and asked if I had the second season of The Wire, as he’d just finished the first and was really hooked. I said sure, but I knew what he was really saying to me was come and give me advice, I want to sit at the feet of the master. The Batman.

Some have accused Mr Keaton of resenting Bale’s success in the role and entrapping him. Catherine Zeta Jones screamed at reporters: ‘That Beetlejuice asshole has always had it in for Christian.’ Some have even claimed that Mr Bale was lured to Florida, innocent of that State’s draconian DVD box set laws, which were recently buttressed with a provision allowing for chemical ‘limb-utation’ for anyone keeping a HBO series for more than two months.