FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

SHIA LABEOUF SUFFERING FROM THE CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.

Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:

I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.

Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.

LaBeouf says:

The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.

Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.

OCEAN’S EIGHT RUINS MAN’S EARLY MIDDLE AGE

ALASKA – The new female led Oceans film – Ocean’s Eight – has ruined a man’s early middle age, it was revealed today.

The 2017 remake of the 2001 remake of the 1960 Frank Sinatra relatively uninspired rat pack movie Ocean’s Eight will star Sandra Bullock in the Danny Ocean role as well as Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter and Mindy Kalin. Joining the cast will possibly be Rihanna and Anne Hathaway. However, the news has been greeted with despair by some fans of the original remake.

Richard LeComte Mets fan and theatre critic told the Studio Exec:

I was forty three when the original film came out. I remember queuing to see it with my first wife. We both like George Clooney and Brad Pitt for obviously different reasons. And we thought of Matt Damon as that promising young actor from Good Will Hunting and not the monster he has become. So the impact on my middle age can’t be overstated. It was vitally important in making me the man I would become a decade and a half later. And to have that film ruined again. After it was already ruined by Ocean’s 12 and 13 is just more than I can bear. I mean… women. What’s gotten into them?

Ocean’s Eight will be in cinemas in 2017.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS BRUCE LEE

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Bruce Lee.

Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Dame Edna Everage, you can’t throw a boomerang on a film set these days without it hitting an Australian.

Dear little Barry Luhrman even made a picture about them called William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but years ago you couldn’t get an Australian actor for love nor money.

Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was fine for a frothy romantic comedy, but put him in a costume drama and he stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb. Admittedly his Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudicewas the exception to the rule, but I still thought you could see his tail.
My favourite Australian actor was a lovely chap called Bruce. He did a lot of these martial arts movies, and when he wasn’t giving one of the extras a roundhouse to the face you couldn’t hope to meet a nicer chap. I used to visit him on set and he’d be having a barbecue with Charlie Norris, but as soon as the director shouted ‘action’ he’d jump up and start kicking everything in sight. That was Bruce for you!
He cleverly masked his Australian accent by getting a lot of his dialogue dubbed, and to this day I don’t think that people ever really knew that he came from the Land Down Under.
He showed me his nunchucks once, but that’s another story… 

THE MAKING OF KNIGHT OF CUPS

HOLLYWOOD – In the latest in our celebrated Making of… series, we look at the behind the scenes drama that went into the making of Terrence Malick’s new film: Knight of Cups.

The Idea

Originally Terrence Malick wrote a three volume novel entitled Knight of Cups and Saucers and showed it around to some close collaborators. Sean Penn read it and immediately advised that Malick should make it his next film.

This was before To the Wonder and I thought Knight of Cups and Saucers would be a perfect film for him to do. For once he had an actual book. He had all the dialogue written and the descriptions were just so cinematic. It was funny and moving. I wept like a baby at various points. It was so touching and I could tell that it was quite close to Terry. I told him, make this film.

The script writing process took a long time and so Malick went ahead first with To the Wonder, but even as he filmed that, whenever he wasn’t giggling at Ben Affleck, he would sit down adn work on the script for his follow up film. Ben Affleck says:

He let me read an early version of the script. It was great. It made me really wish I wasn’t making To the Wonder. I’ve always admired Terry’s early films and that’s why I agreed to work with him. Why I wanted to. It was Days of Heaven and Badlands that I wanted to be in. And this To the Wonder stuff felt like amateurish garbage. He didn’t tell us where to stand and Olga just kept dancing all the time. I thought she was on mushrooms or something. The Knight of Cups and Saucers though was a solid piece of work. It had a great story and was very satirical about Hollywood.

Production

Christian Bale and Cate Blanchett were hired on the strength of the script and production began. Christian Bale tells the story of his first day on set:

We gathered around and we all had to bring our scripts and the novel that we had all been given copies of. I thought we’ll have a table read or something. But Terry takes all our scripts and books and what not and he shreds them in this big industrial shredder. Then he takes handfuls of the shredded script and he gives it back to us in little bags and he says ‘okay here are your lines’. We thought it was a joke at first, but we had to bring these bags every day to the set.

Natalie Portman talks about Terrence Malick’s technique:

It is so liberating as an actor to have a director who says to you: ‘There is no such thing as a fireproof wall’ and then you have to play the scene. We had a love scene and Terry would shout things out like ‘his face is made of bees’ and ‘Christmas is like Easter but with more chocolate’. Often I didn’t know what to do and he would shout dance and I would dance. Or wander about. We would be intently acting our roles and doing what we could with the material and I noticed that Terry and Emmanuel were in the corner and Emmanuel was filming Terry’s belly button. I mean it was literally navel gazing. Genius.

Post-Production

It has often been the case that Terrence Malick films have taken a long time to come to the light following the end of filming.

Jack Fisk long time collaborator speaks:

Terry often finds the film in the heaps of footage that he has taken. He listens to music and he has the actors read out pages and pages of voice-over and somehow he finds the film. Very much like a sculptor might find a statue in a block of stone.

Freida Pinto spoke about her role in the film:

Once filming was done Terry would call up time and time again and we’d go into the studio and he’d have me whisper the voice-over. Some of it was stuff he had written, but most of it was the Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson.  I read that book about five or six different times and it’s all in the movie. Other actors were reading greeting cards and Christian Bale read the whole of a Sven Hassell novel but that never made it into the finished film.

For more of The Making of… CLICK HERE.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

KNIGHT OF CUPS: A ‘PORN FILM’

HOLLYWOOD – Showing at Cannes this year, Terrence Malick‘s new film Knight of Cups is a hardcore porn film according to actor Christian Bale.

Speaking in an interview with French Cultural magazine Chapeau, the Dark Knight actor stated bluntly: ‘I have sex with lots of women. And that’s basically it.’

Very little is known about the film, except for the bare bones of the plot, which has Christian Bale working in the music industry and having relationships with a series of women, including Natalie Portman, Freida Pinto and Cate Blanchett. Later in the interview, Bale gives some idea of Malick’s motivation for the extraordinary genre shift:

When Tree of Life came out, Terry was a bit nonplussed that Lars Von Trier hogged the limelight with his Nazi gaffes and Melancholia, which some thought was a better film. So once he heard Lars had done Nymphomaniac he phoned me up and said ‘Right Christian, drop the Heidegger and strip!’

However, fans of Malick needn’t worry about the new direction the film is taking.

Once we did all the sex scenes, and there are many and they’re all very explicit. But once we’d done them, Terry got us all in the recording studio for two weeks and we dubbed hours and hours of whispered voice over.

Philosophical stuff? Spiritual yearning?

Erm. No, not really. More, ‘Oooh that’s a big one’ and ‘Mmmmm lovely tits’. Tastefully done mind you. Tons of Goreki.

The Knight of Cups will be released 2016. 

THE MONUMENTS MEN: REVIEW

THE MONUMENTS MEN: REVIEW – Danny Ocean goes to Europe to save a bunch of valuable artworks from the dastardly Nazis and the dratted Ruskies. For the mission, he recruits an unhealthy looking John Goodman, the guy from the Artist, Bob Balaban and Bill Murray as well as a middle aged Will Hunting.

The acting talent is there. Clooney has directed two good films – Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Goodnight, and Good Luck were both creditable – so he knows how to do it. The subject is interesting and novel. So what went wrong? 

 
First of all, the film keeps desperately wanting to move us, so Clooney and co-writer Grant Haslov keep front-loading the emotion: with inspiring speeches before anyone’s done anything, voice-over read letters to parents underlining explicitly why something is tragic and Christmas carols sung by a daughter, sloppily juxtaposed with the death of an unknown soldier. It’s all a mush of a mushness.
 
Neither is the comedy as caper-y as the poster sells us, nor as funny. Clooney is genuinely interested in his subject and wants us to feel the heroism of his art historians in uniform. So he keeps telling us this, again and again, and the humor is vaguely apologetic and horribly gentle. Bill Murray does Bill Murray again, so if you like Bill Murray doing Bill Murray you’ll see Billy Murray.
 
However, entertainment can be gained by guessing with your friends what Cate Blanchett’s motivation is for being such a pain in the ass throughout. 

BLUE JASMINE: REVIEW

BLUE JASMINE: REVIEW – In the wake of her disastrous marriage to Bernie Madoff, Gladriel pops pills and swills vodka and travels via a CGI airplane to San Francisco where she stays with adopted sister Sally Hawkins, who was married to Andrew Dice Clay but is now involved with the baddie from Boardwalk Empire.

Woody Allen’s machine gun regularity has had a fair number of disasters of late – To Rome with Love was unfunny when it wasn’t downright offensive – but here, incredibly, he’s found his mojo once more with his darkest film since Crimes and Misdemeanours. Blue Jasmine is an exposé of self-delusion and in the destructive narcissism of the protagonist there are the sins of a generation and a class. And yet there is also sympathy for the devil, even though neither Blanchett nor Allen let the lead off the hook. It’s been a long time since a Woody Allen film that felt so urgent.

NICOLAS WINDING REFN CHANGES NAME TO NICOLAS WIN-A-DING BADA-BING REFN

HOLLYWOOD -In what sociologists are calling a ‘disturbing trend’, Danish director Nicolas Winding Refn has changed his name to Nicolas Win-a-Ding Bada-Bing Refn in an effort to be taken less seriously.

The Only God Forgives director explained the change exclusively to Studio Exec:

I was inspired by Cate Blanket (for more on that story click HERE). Here’s an actress at the top of her game and she suddenly decides to leap fully clothed into whimsy. Well done. 

What changes do you expect the name to make?

To begin with it will make interviews longer and I really enjoy interviews. Plus it will force critics to stop taking my films so seriously I mean really do we have to always pour over my films as if they actually mean something? I don’t see anyone doing that with Kevin James movies and they must mean something as well. 

Other Hollywood stars contemplating changing their names are Miley Cyrus who is reportedly considering the moniker F*ckety F*ck F*ck and Jamie Foxx who rather sensibly wants to go normal as Jamie Fox. For further news remember to check the Studio Exec website on a second by second basis. 

CATE BLANCHETT CHANGES NAME TO CATE BLANKET

SYDNEY – Elf princess and Blue Jasmine star, Cate Blanchett has legally changed her name to Cate Blanket ‘for a joke’.

‘It will be easier for people to spell,’ said Cate Blanchett. ‘But more importantly it’s titty-fil-arious.’
This is not the first time that Cate Blanket’s sense of humor has got the better of her. While filming Notes on a Scandal, Blanket put plastic film over Dame Judi Dench’s toilet, causing the M actress to get a soggy bottom. While making The Hobbit, Hugo Weaving complained that Blanket would poke him in the Elronds in-between takes and thusly put him off. Brad Pitt famously swore that he would never work with Blanket again when – during the filming of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – the actress shaved the Inglourious Basterd’s eyebrows off while he slept. 
‘She’s crazy,’ he said.

Cate Blanket will next appear in Terry Malick’s knock-about comedy Knight of Cups in 2014.  

 

FIRST LOOK AT WOODY ALLEN’S BATMAN: A DISAPPOINTMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that it was a brave choice after the success of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy to hand over DC Comic’s biggest superhero star to an eclectic auteur like Woody Allen.

‘We always knew Woody’s Batman would be a totally different creature to Christopher’s,’ said producer Sarah Green. ‘But I have to say we are disappointed with what we’ve seen so far.’
First the veteran writer director changed the title from The Amazing Batman to Blue Jasmine, Green complains.

Then in the main role he casts Cate Blanchett, changing the name from Bruce Wayne to Jasmine, gets rid of Alfred, the Batmobile, the Batwing, Wayne Manor, the villains, the cape and sets most of the film in San Francisco where everyone comes out with tersely witty but true lines and talk mostly about relationships. 

Actor Alec Baldwin said that he was confused by the whole Batman angle:

We never spoke about it on set and when I did try and broach the subject with Woody in private, he couldn’t talk properly because he was giggling so much. I couldn’t get any sense out of him.

Louis C.K. who also has a role in the film explained how he saw matters.

I think what he did is take the studio’s budget of the hundred million, then made his usual twelve million film, and spent the rest of the money on solid gold clarinets. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

ANIMAL CRUELTY ON THE HOBBIT SET: SMAUG SPEAKS OUT

His identity is protected












NEW ZEALAND -We meet in Wellington at the underground car park that for the last 13 months has been home to my source. I could call him Deep Throat, but he has had the courage to blow the whistle on New Zealand’s favorite son, Peter Jackson and he’s not afraid to say his name. He is Smaug, the villain of the piece, the dragon whose gold Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf companions wish to steal. But there has been more than one crime at the Lonely Mountain.

‘S’ironic really,’ says Smaug curled up between the SUVs. ‘Petey came up and he says originally they were going to CGI the role and then the budget wasn’t looking too hot and so he decided to go practical. Course dragons are a protected species, but he don’t give a shit. First of all he strings me up with wires and has Andy Serkis pulling me fucking every which way. Well, I wasn’t having that. I said Pete, I’m an artiste. He said okay, but he was laughing.’

How do you respond to the charge that animals have been injured and killed on The Hobbit?


Not with the filming. They’re very careful. They got animal rights groups all over that. But once the cameras stop rolling, that shit from The Office goes back to his nice hotel, I’m herded down here, the horses are in some kind of abandoned mine, Moria or something it’s called. And the chickens and things like that are just eaten. The crew just jump on them. No cooking, no preparation. S’savage man.


Do you feel you have been mistreated or in anyway exploited?

There’s been a lot of hate speech. That Cate Blanchett would just look at me and say ‘who brought Puff?’ They even all wore t-shirts with Puff written on them and a picture of me. But this is nothing. You should have seen what Jackson did to Kong. He fucking hates animals, really hates them.


Would you support a boycott of the film?

No. I’m very proud of the film and my work on it. I believe in Dragon Rights and the more visible we are the less we can be abused and victimized. Look what Jaws did for sharks. Suddenly everyone loved sharks and wanted like to support shark charities. I’m hoping the Hobbit will have a similar effect on dragons.