PRESIDENT SNOW WINS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY


MISSISSIPPI – President Snow – best known for his part in the Hunger Games franchise – has won the Republican Senate Primary in Mississippi unseating Senator Thad Cochran and setting up a possible run for President in 2016.

Snow, who ran as an independent Tea Party candidate, said that he was committed to preserving and protecting the rights and privileges of the one percent and the unity of Panem:

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NEW HUNGER GAMES ATTRACTION HAS SAFETY ISSUES

HOLLYWOOD -It was revealed yesterday that the new Hunger Games Experience at Disneyland, California might be having some teething problems in terms of safety issues.

Based on the Suzanne Collins authored film franchise, The Hunger Games, the attraction was opened in February of this year and so far has claimed 251 lives and left 578 people needing hospital attention. The Anaheim Police Department said that they had received several complaints but were reluctant to pursue the matter because ‘we don’t have anything concrete yet’:

We often get a lot of complaints when a new ride opens. People feel dizzy, people get anxiety attacks. Usually – I’d say 9 times out of 10 – it’s just some jackass looking to bring a suit and earn themselves some money. This time, it is true, there have been a number of fatalities, but ultimately isn’t that a quite reasonable price to pay for what otherwise is wholesome family entertainment.  

The Hunger Games Experience occupies a wild patch of wooded land the other side of Space Mountain. Ten members of the public enter the land from different ‘portals’ and race across open ground to a stash of weapons. Then they can choose to fight or run. Only one contestant is allowed to leave. The architect of the attraction – Joely Morris – went on the offensive against the critics:

We want to give the public the most authentic experience of Katniss Everdeen’s world and in a world full of fakery I believe we have actually managed to do that. And at Disney world!

But what about safety issues?

There is a height restriction. 

Jennifer Lawrence was unavailable for comment.  

HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE MAKES MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – The second film in the Hunger Games franchise – Hunger Games: Catching Fire – has, according to initial reports, made money.

Many believe that the money it has made will be more than the money it cost to make and the difference between this money and that money will be quite large and therefore people will be happy, especially people who put money into the making of the film that money made. 

Money internet sites, such as IMDb and Deadline, were remarking on the money that the Jennifer Lawrence (who was paid money) starring science fiction film made over the Thanksgiving Weekend as being the most money a film has made over said weekend before, making it a record money maker. Other money films include Avatar, the Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter films. Some of the money made from the film will going into making other films, some money will be spent on large yachts and the rest of the money will be used to feed the hungry/ to buy cocaine.


THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE: ON SET REPORT

HOLLYWOOD – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire directed by Francis Lawrence and starring Jennifer Lawrence is one of the most eagerly awaited sequels of this year.

Due out this Fall, Studio Exec got exclusive access to the set when cameras started to roll. Based on Suzanne Collins’ best selling trilogy, filming began late last year and we caught up with the production in Hawaii where I greeted the director, ‘Hi Gary! Sorry Francis, Francis.’
‘Don’t sweat it,’ Francis said and slapped me on the back. ‘I get that all the time. It’s my own fault. I’m very superstitious and I’m proud of what Gary did with the first film. So I decided I’d wear his clothes as a good luck thing. I even had plastic surgery to make me look a bit more like him. What do you think?’
‘You look great,’ I told him.
During a breaking from filming the Arena fight scene, Jennifer Lawrence is relaxing, listening to her iPod but she smiles when she sees me and manages to walk all the way across to where I am without once falling over or any of her clothes falling off. She explains the plot quickly to me.

The Hunger Games are over for the year and Catnip Evergreen – that’s me – and Peet Malarkey, Josh’s character, we go on a victory tour of Pamdiddley and sense that there is rebellion brewing in the Snicks, especially in the district I’m from, District 12. The Quack is declared by President Snow and Catnip and Malarkey with help from Haymitch AbernathyBeetee and Plutarch Heavensbee… What?

I’m sorry but you’re just making this stuff up. Those aren’t the real names.

Yes, they are. Stanley Tucci returns as Ceasar Flickerman … What?

No sorry. Go on. 

Look, this is an important piece of young adult literature and we’re telling a tale that is a political allegory, as well as the story of a young woman coming into her own. 

Catnip Evergreen.

That’s right. I’ve just won a Goddam Oscar.

The rest of the interview was largely unusable but during the shooting of the subsequent scene Ms. Lawrence revealed her emotional state by breaking the jaw of a stunt double with a well timed head butt.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire  is out in November, 2013.

WOODY HARRELSON SMOKES JENNIFER LAWRENCE’S HAIR

HOLLYWOOD – On the set of Hunger Games: Catching Fire, something else has caught fire: Jennifer Lawrence‘s hair. According to sources close to the production, inveterate practical joker and co-star Woody Harrelson shaved the Oscar winning actress’ hair while she was sleeping and ‘smoked it in a huge bong’.

covering her bare noggin

Harrelson confirmed that Jennifer Lawrence’s hair had tasted like cherry oak and had psychotropic properties roughly the equivalent of top drawer magic mushrooms.

For a while I was flying, actually flying, and it wasn’t because I was flying, like in a dream, it was because in a way we are all flying through space and only after I smoked Jennifer Lawrence’s hair did I realize it as an actual fact.

Meanwhile, Lawrence herself was said to be over then moon with the joke. A friend close to the Silver Linings Playbook star said:

Jenny loves Woody and they share a sense of humor which is rad. When she looked in the mirror and saw her hair was all gone and he’d nicked her quite badly with the clippers, she couldn’t stop giggling, hysterically, and screaming ‘look what he’s done to me?’ Ha ha!

It is thought that Lawrence – herself a practical joker – will be cooking up a good one of her own. ‘She’s going to neuter Woody is what I’ve heard,’ said a mutual friend. 

Hunger Games: Catching Fire is due out in 2014.

TEASER TRAILERS TO BE MADE ILLEGAL

HOLLYWOOD – In a move which is bound to have widespread repercussions, the Intergovernmental Panel on Cinematic Culture (the IPCC) has drawn up an immediate worldwide ban on ‘teaser trailers’, effective from midnight tonight.

Teaser trailers – defined as short trailers which hint at an upcoming film are usually broadcast many months in advance of a film’s release, and frequently while the film is still in production. Some might even include footage which will not make it into the final film.

Dr. Martin Bradshaw of the IPCC said:

Teaser trailers are considered by the IPCC to be both misleading and irritating. They create a whole load of web content as various geeks pick them apart on bogs throughout the internet, which is also irritating. Then the actual film is probably not going to be out for a donkey’s age. Also irritating.

The IPCC have very limited powers and some believe the ban will be ineffectual. Industry spokesman Cilla Crest said she thought ‘we’ll just change the name to something else like Tickle Spot or Winky-vert.’

What do you think of the IPCC ruling? Please comment below. Or don’t.