SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS HILLARY CLINTON IN RODHAM

Spot the difference

 HOLLYWOOD – Finally the speculation is over as Scarlett Johansson signs up to star in the Hillary Clinton bio-pic provisionally entitled Rodham.

Director James Ponsoldt stated:

We’re very pleased to have an actress of Scarlett’s calibre with us. Looking over her CV we can see she has everything it takes for her to tackle such a complex individual as the former First Lady and Democratic presidential candidate. She’ll need the tenacity and strength of the Black Widow, the droll humour of Ghost World and when it comes to Bill, she has the romantic comedy of He’s Just Not That Into You to fall back on.

Originally Reese Witherspoon was considered a favourite for the role but as an insider close to the production rather cruelly pointed out: ‘When even a state trooper doesn’t know who you are, then, well, no one knows who you are’.

Ms. Johansson has often professed her interest in politics and her admiration for Hillary Clinton in particular. ‘She’s the one with the hair, right?’ she said, once. The film will focus on her early life and the beginnings of her relationship with Bill, who will be played by James Franco. Franco said that in preparation for the role ‘I inhaled’.

Rodham is due to start filming later this year.

MUPPETS JOIN KNIGHT OF CUPS

HOLLYWOOD – The extraordinary cast of Terrence Malick’s new film Knight of Cups already includes stars such as Christian Slater and Natalie Portman, but it can be revealed that they will be joined by the assorted talents of the Muppets.

Kermit the Frog told The Studio Exec:

This is a very exciting development for us. We are essentially an old fashioned Vaudeville act and although we have striven to be taken seriously with our adaptation of great literary works  – The Muppet’s Christmas Carol and The Muppet’s Treasure Island to name but two – our efforts have not always been a resounding effect. Here was have a great director, with an artistic vision, and he wants us in the film alongside the likes of Christian and Natalie.

It is understood the decision to cast the Muppets was taken quite late on in the process after filming had already begun.

Fozzie Bear had this to say:

Malick works in unconventional ways and I think while he had begun shooting Knight of Cups he realised that it really lacked a comic edge. The comedy of To the Wonder had gone over everyone’s heads and so he phoned me up and he said ‘Fozzie, I need you bud, I need that old Wokka Wokka magic!’ I said, ‘Can I bring Gonzo?’ He said ‘Bring everybody!’ Five minutes later he phoned up again and said ‘Don’t bring Gervais though.’ Ha ha!

Knight of Cups will be released in 2015.

JASON STATHAM IS INDIANA JONES

 LONDON – Jason Statham is the new Indiana Jones.

British action star and hard man, Jason Statham is rumored to be on the brink of taking over one of the most iconic roles in cinema history – Indiana Jones – in a completely new series of films directed by George Lucas.

‘The fact of the matter is, although he was a great director, Steven dropped the ball on the last outing and so it’s time for the master to take over from the apprentice and steady the keel, so to speak,’ said the Executive Producer of Red Tails.

The new films will be set between Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Raiders of the Lost Ark and will go back to the spirit of the original Saturday morning serials that inspired the first outings, complete with authentic misogyny, homophobia and virulent racism. Lucas commented on the Statham rumors:

Nothing has been signed or confirmed so far, but I will say Jason is the complete package. He can obviously do the action. He’s a hilarious comic actor. And once he puts those glasses on, it’s like, “Woah! Dr. Archaeologist, where did Jason go? Have you seen him?” And Jason’s like “No, George, it’s me.” Don’t get me wrong. He’s no Hayden Christensen but few can aspire to those heights.   

Indiana Jones and the Rape of Your Childhood is due to start filming in July.

SCHWARZENEGGER REPLACES DOWNEY. JR FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES 3

HOLLYWOOD – After Robert Downey Jr announced that he had ‘better things to do’ and stepped away from the Sherlock Holmes franchise, producer Joel Silver has decided to go back to his eighties roots and re-team with his Commando and Predator star Arnold Schwarzenegger for Sherlock Holmes: The Scarlet Helicopter.

Silver had this to say about the subject:

The one problem I had with the previous two films in the series were that there was not one helicopter in either film, and I, Joel Silver, find that completely unacceptable, unfortunately Warner Bros. said to me that there was no way I was ruining their cash cow by adding a helicopter into the films for no reason. Also that it didn’t make sense during that time period. With Rob now gone, they’ve told me I can basically do what I like with it now  as they don’t care, so Arnold is Holmes, Jesse Ventura is Watson and the helicopter is the villain so I think we’re on to something here.

Holmes’ new nemesis



When asked about the news Arnold told us “I’m back!” but when reminded that this is the first movie his been involved with in the series he said “I’ll be back!” He promised “less mystery and more muscles.” Walter Hill or Ivan Reitman have both been touted as possible directors. Jesse Ventura also made a statement, but fortunately nobody was listening as everyone had lost interest.

Sherlock Holmes and the Scarlet Helicopter will be released Xmas 2015.

TERRENCE MALICK’S KNIGHT OF CUPS CAST LIST REVEALED













TEXAS – Terrence Malick is a film director who likes to keep his cards close to his chest but with a spate of new projects following on from the festival bow at Toronto and Venice, Ben Affleck and Olga Kurylenko dance movie To the Wonder, new news is coming in thick and fast. Latest tba is the full cast for his latest project, Knight of Cups.


Plot details are thin though we do know it is set in contemporary America, has to do with the film world, and stars Christian Bale, Natalie Portman, Frida Pinto, Ryan O’Neal, Ryan Gosling, Private Ryan, Antonio Banderas, Joel Kinnerman, Cate Blanchett, Wes Bentley, Wes Anderson, Teresa Palmer, Laura Palmer, Imogen Poots (that might be a made up name), Michael Wincott, Michael Fassbender, Michael Sheen, Charlie Sheen, Barry Sheen, Mr Clean, Steve McQueen, Helen Mirren who played The Queen, and Freddie Mercury from Queen. Also starring in smaller roles: Sean Penn, Adrien Brody, Robert deNiro, Robert Redford, Robert Shaw, Christopher Walken, Christophe Waltz, Christophe Lambert, China Crisis, the cast of Krull, the isle of Mull, Jessica Chastain, Al Pacino, C. Thomas Howell, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman, Martin Freeman, Martin Scorsese, Steve Martin, Martin Sheen, Martin Short and Martin Lawrence.  

Cage ‘drunk again’

 
Nicholas Cage, despite lobbying for a role, was turned down because ‘that would be excessive’. Of the cast, only Natalie Portman and Christian Bale will appear in the finished film, the rest have been given roles that will be cut out because Terry is, according to one source, ‘an avid autograph hunter’.

MARK RUFFALO TO STAR IN THE GRUFFALO

NEW YORK – After his success as one lumbering giant, Mark Ruffalo has signed up to play another, the loveable Gruffalo in a new feature length adaptation of the much loved Julia Donaldson book.

Director Duncan Jones said that many people had suggested Ruffalo ‘just because of the way it would look on the poster, and finally that was convincing enough for me.’
Ruffalo himself seemed enthused by the project:

You know the thing is as an actor, a serious actor I’m always looking for roles that challenge me and rhyme with my name, and unfortunately there aren’t many characters who rhyme with my name. And that’s really all we’re in this for. So when Duncan phoned and said ‘Ruffalo is the Gruffalo’, how could I say no?

The live action film will be filmed over six years and in seven different continents and has been tentatively budgeted at $350 billion, but Jones is confident that the money is in safe hands. ‘Sure we could probably cure cancer with that kind of moolah, but Mark Ruffalo’s name rhymes with the name of his character,’ Jones said. ‘That has to count for something.’

Duncan Jones will next be working on a biopic of chanteuse Sade, which will star Tom Hardy.

The Gruffalo will be released in 2015.

CORRECTION: EMMA WATSON IN 50 SHADES OF GREY

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday, we published the news that Emma Watson had agreed (finally) to star in Fifty Shades of Grey as Anastasia Steele, the young University student who becomes the ping pong playing partner of business man and sado-masochist Christian Grey.

We are extremely sorry to report there were some errors in the original article which we seek to correct now (after the jump).

  1. There is no ping pong in the story. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey at no point play ping pong. Ping pong has no relevance here, except at a push as double entendre – and even then it would be very difficult to squeeze in and could cause some to gasp.
  2. We stated that the film was to be based on the ‘E.L. James masterpiece’. We have since discovered that the book cannot be fairly described as a masterpiece unless a) you don’t ever read books; b) you don’t understand the meaning of the word ‘masterpiece’ or c) you’re being sarcastic.
  3. Emma Watson has agreed to appear in Fifty Shades of Grey, but she will NOT play Anastasia Steele. Instead, she will play Christian Grey. Anastasia Steele will be played either by Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston. Both actors have said they are willing to play the role and producers believe the cross dressing, gender bending that Watson is insisting on will make the film ‘sexier than seeing your father dressed in your mother’s underwear, especially if you have very sexy parents’.
We apologize once more for any confusion caused.

LEONARD NIMOY JOINS EXPENDABLES 3



HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Leonard Nimoy is joining the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s next meat and potatoes opus Expendables 3. ‘I felt we need some intellectual weight to the piece,’ said Sly. ‘The last film was too flighty and I think Lenny’ll bring some gravitas on your ass.’


Nimoy explained that he was attracted to the role Spack, because it gave him an opportunity to show his range. 
‘I’ve always wanted to do a big gristly action movie and this is my chance,’ said the Star Trek actor and author of popular baby care manuals from the seventies. ‘There is a scene in the script where Sly and our group are trying to land a helicopter on the top of a pine tree while firing improvised rocket launchers at the MIGs flying overhead, and I turn to Sly and I raise one eyebrow and I say “This is illogical”. It is pure magic.’
For a full update on the rest of the cast CLICK HERE

The Expendables 3 will be out before you die, unless you’re going to die soon. 

GERVAIS TO PLAY COOKIE MONSTER IN’ MUPPETS 2′

HOLLYWOOD – English wit and DVD salesman Ricky Gervais is to play everyone’s favourite puppet the Cookie Monster in ‘The Muppets 2’.


We caught up with Ricky in his plush London office.

Mr Gervais. Can I call you Ricky?

COOKIE

I see you’re already preparing for the role. How did you become involved?

COOKIE

Ok…er. Are you excited about working with Jason Segel?

COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE!

Oh it’s like that is it. Well fine. To be honest Mr Gervais I expected a little more professionalism.

COOKIE?