HOLLYWOOD – Reports accuse Tom Hanks of having ‘loving sex with his wife’.
Allegations today surfaced that Tom Hanks has over a number of years had ‘loving sex with his wife’. The New Yorker published a story by Ronan Farrow claiming that the Castaway and Saving Private Ryan has on numerous occasions exposed himself to his wife and they have engaged in mutually consensual and surprisingly kinky sex fun.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Farrow stated:
Hanks has traded for years on his wholesome image of Hollywood’s Mr. Nice, but now we are getting a totally different image of a man who regularly gets into bed with a woman who he is married to and – following an appropriate period of foreplay – puts his penis – HIS PENIS – inside her. Some of these incidents result in ejaculation.
Many have expressed support and solidarity for Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks’ wife.
Rita has dealt with a long period of systematic conjugal relations. And you have to remember that is with the guy who was in Dragnet and Splash.
Tom Hanks issued a statement.
All these stories are true.
Tom Hanks will appear next in The Caravaggio Code.
HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon takes over from Tom Hanks in his new film Castaway 2: Trip to Mars.
It has been a tough year for Matt Damon. First of all his parents announce they are getting divorced and then he is cruelly snubbed from the new Batman v. Superman movie. However, things are turning for the better in casa Damon as his new film, a sequel to the 90s classic Castaway, looks dead cert to be a massive commercial and critical success.
The synopsis for Castaway 2: Trip to Mars reads:
During a manned mission to Mars, Astronaut Mark Watney is presumed dead after a fierce storm and left behind by his crew. But Watney has survived and finds himself stranded and alone on the hostile planet. With only meager supplies and his loyal friend Wilson, he must draw upon his ingenuity, wit and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal to Earth that he is alive. This is a beautiful sequel and companion piece to the heartwarming Tom Hanks film Castaway: a postmodern Robinson Crusoe – in SPACE.
Ridley Scott has taken over directing duties from Robert Zemeckis and Andrew Weir has written the novelization.
Castaway 2: Trip to Mars will be released in October 2015.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks kills young men.
First, it is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words. But given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other. Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.
The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’.
Others believe that anglophone Hanks is trying to ingratiate himself and possible join the British ex-pat exclusive murder club the Jolly Bastards, currently led by Tom Hiddleston.
In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood-paneled den. In the second, however, Hanks abandons all pretense of humanity as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.
The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.
Saving Mr. Banks is currently in theaters.
HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’
The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.
A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.
The agent stated:
The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.
Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’
Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.
Captain Phillips is currently winning the Oscars.