DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

ROBERT DE NIRO STARS IN ANOTHER COMEDY YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SEE

HOLLYWOOD – Robert De Niro is starring in another comedy this week which chances are you are not going to bother going to see.

The comedy co-stars a young person who will say that they are thrilled to be working with Robert De Niro, but secretly wish it could be in something much better than this middle of the road comic pap. De Niro plays an older person and there is a situation and, if you do watch it, chances are it’s because you are flying somewhere or because a less intelligent family member has got control of the remote. It has got to the point that you don’t even wonder what it is about because the last time De Niro had a leading role in a good film, it would have to be 1995, the year that brought Casino and Heat. Despite the occasional cameo in a David O. Russell film, De Niro has, you believe, been treading water ever since and cashing the pay checks, with the one exception of The Good Shepherd which he directed.

You can’t blame Ben Stiller, but you kind of do and to some extent Leonardo di Caprio who took Martin Scorsese off of De Niro, like some young guy stealing your dad. You don’t want to be overly critical. After all, he did give us Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Godfather Part 2, King of Comedy, New York, New York, The Deer Hunter, Once Upon a Time in America, Goodfellas, Cape Fear, The Untouchables, Midnight Run, Casino, Heat and Angel Heart. Surely we can forgive him Meet the Parents, Rocky and Bullwinkle and Grudge Match. And Meet the Fockers. And The Big Wedding and The Family.

The Intern is in theaters.

HILL STREET BLUES: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – The most popular Eighties cop show Steven Bochco’s Hill Street Blues is finally getting a film version, courtesy of Martin Scorsese.

The new film version will star Robert de Niro as Captain Frank Furillo, Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Belker and Catherine Zeta Jones as Joyce Davenport. Leonardo di Caprio will play Lt. Howard Hunter. Scorsese spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

For years I’ve been trying to make an epic of police vs. criminals film and I’ve done my best with Mean Streets, Goodfellas and Casino, but I’ve never really got there. I mean if you look at my career, you would have to say it is a complete and utter failure. The Hill Street Blues was always my inspiration. And now I have the chance to really do a proper thing and not that shitness which was Boardwalk Empire.

The story – set in West Chica-Brooklyn-go, LA – features a whole sequences of crime stories and private lives that will be intertwined and resolved in the space of 90 minutes.The story features an undercover operation that has gone wrong and will basically be The Departed but with a retro feel and a whole plethora of English actors will use their best generic American accents.

Hill Street Blues: Let’s Do it to Them Before They Do it to Us will be released in 2016.

GRUDGE MATCH PUSHES DE NIRO’S CAREER OVER GOOD/CRAP EQUINOX

NEW YORK – With the release of Grudge MatchRobert De Niro will have made 90 films and will also have definitively passed the good crap equinox of his career with 43 great films and 47 films you wish he hadn’t made.

Committed De Niro watcher Jammy LePlush emerges from a cloud of menthol cigarette smoke to jab a finger at me: ‘It began some say with The Fan, some even point at We’re No Angels or Jack Knife but for me it was Rocky and Bullwinkle, that was the tipping point.’

Two fellows actors who have a lot to do with De Niro’s decline in status from the dangerous actor who was willing to push himself to any limit to produce a marvelous performance to the sleepwalking self-parody of today are Ben Stiller and Billy Crystal, who encouraged De Niro to appear in their ‘comedies’. Jammy adds another name: 

Leonardo diCaprio. Once he caught Marty Scorsese’s eye, that was it.  De Niro was out. You think of the last great performance De Niro gave: Casino back in 1995. Ever since then it’s been a mixture of m’eh and goddam awful.

 Also starring Sylvester Stallone, Grudge Match manages the almost unique feat of actually going back to one of De Niro’s finest films Raging Bull and taking a long curly steaming turd on top of it.

SCORSESE TITLE REVIEW

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese’s new film The Wolf of Wall Street has caused huge controversy partly for it’s use of the phrase ‘cerebral palsy’, partly for its explicit scenes of sex and drug use, but mostly because the film does not feature ‘an actual wolf’.

‘I went to see a film about a wolf, possibly killing people in the financial capital of our country, perhaps not, but a wolf,’ said theater-goer Blan Haverstock. ‘And what do I get? Some bullshit about Leo DiCarpio.’

The New Yorker review of the movie had as its headline ‘Crying Wolf?’

However, Scorsese defended himself from his critics:

Usually, I am scrupulous with my titles, making sure they advertise exactly what happens in the movie. But sometimes I use a slightly more oblique approach. So no, there isn’t a wolf in Wall Street. Not as in the actual animal. It’s a metaphor or an analogy, or a simile. It’s one of those.

To help the confused here is a brief guide to the veracity of Martin Scorsese’s movie titles.

  • Mean Streets:  The streets are quite mean. 

Veracity score 8/10

  • Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More: Alice does move but where is here? 

Veracity score 7/10

  • Taxi Driver: It is about a taxi driver.

Veracity score 10/10

  • Raging Bull: There’s no bull, just a boxer 

Veracity score 2/10

  • The King of Comedy: He isn’t funny 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Goodfellas: They’re actually Bad Fellas 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Casino: It is set in a Casino 

Veracity score 10/10

  • Kundun: Haven’t got a clue 

Veracity score ?/10

  • The Aviator: Partially true, he’s also a  nut plank 

Veracity score 4/10

  • The Departed: No one leaves for anywhere 

Veracity score 3/10

  • Shutter Island: Set on Shutter Island 

Veracity score 10/10

  • The Wolf of Wall Street: No wolf confirmed (though there is a monkey) but no wolf

Veracity score 2/10. 

 
The Wolf of Wall Street is in Theaters. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART ONE)

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro is 70 years old today. But how much do you know about him? That’s right! Nothing.

You know nothing. NOTHING! So sit down, shut up, and let the Studio Exec fill your void of a brain with FACTS.

1. Robert De Niro is Australian.

2. De Niro’s favorite director is Martin Scorsese, but due to emotional scenes during the making of Casino, Scorsese and De Niro decide to start seeing other people. Scorsese soon replaced De Niro with Leonardo Di Caprio, but De Niro like a floundering child has found himself passed from one abusive foster home to another. Jay Roach, Justin Zachman and Jon Avnet have been the unworthy recipients of Mr. De Niro’s time. 

3. De Niro’s meticulous preparation and devotion to the authenticity of the role is now legendary. During the making of Cape Fear he beat a woman to death just to see how it felt, and during the making of Meet the Parents he watched all of Ben Stiller’s previous films so he could feel the appropriate amount of hatred for Ben Stiller’s character. 

4. Robert De Niro has won seventeen Oscars. But all of them were for set design, a little known part of his talent.

5. Whenever De Niro was called on to play a real life character – such as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull – he would chop off the finger of the real person and ingest it as part of his preparation.   

Happy Birthday Mr. De Niro will air on HBO at 11 EST. 

ROBERT DE NIRO TO START ‘READING SCRIPTS AGAIN’

NEW YORK – The Studio Exec can exclusively report that two-time Oscar-winning actor, Robert De Niro, has revealed that he is going to start reading scripts again before committing to film projects.

During a recent interview in his TriBeCa office, De Niro told us that he hasn’t actually read a film script since 1993’s This Boy’s LifeHe explained:

Yeah, I just haven’t had time to read scripts and assess the material before committing to a movie. I have been too busy with my production company, my hotels and restaurants. Plus, now I have two young kids to look after! And until recently it hadn’t really been much of a problem. I guess I just figured – ‘Hey! I’m Robert De Niro! The greatest actor of his generation! I can just show up on the day, smirk, mug, smirk again, stick my tongue out, say some stuff until they yell cut and collect my paycheck! Al’s been doing it for YEARS! And the movie will turn out fine and people will pay to see it!’ Right?

Wrong.

The wake-up call came when De Niro was on a flight home from Cannes a few weeks ago and the inflight movie happened to be Red Lights, a film he made in 2012. He wasn’t impressed with what he saw.

“It was total shit,” admits De Niro.

Once back in New York, the actor decided to take a closer look at his recent output, and what he saw shocked him.

I guess you could say I have been asleep at the wheel. Okay, there have been a few good movies in the last twenty years – Heat. Casino. Even Meet the Parents. And sure, Silver Linings Playbook was pretty good. But overall I have to say that I have pissed all over my own legacy from a height. It’s time to make changes in the way I do things.


De Niro is now taking steps to rectify this situation and has made a promise to himself, and his fans, to only act in films that have “something important to say” or “present a genuine acting challenge.”

And this plan will come into effect once De Niro clears his current slate of movies which includes Meet the Fokking Grandparents, Analyze Those, Taxi Driver 2 – Bickle’s Back and Stardust 2: Stardustier.