FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

CAREY MULLIGAN TO PLAY WOLVERINE

HOLLYWOOD – News from the X-Men universe has it that Carey Mulligan is to play the new Wolverine in X-Men: Apocalypse.

The 30 year old actress famed for her roles in An Education, Drive and The Great Gatsby will be taking over from Hugh Jackman, who has played James Howlett AKA Rogan AKA Wolverine for fifteen years, including 5 X-Men films and two stand alone Wolverine movies. A third Wolverine movie due out in 2017 and was rumored to be Jackman’s last appearance in the role but it looks now as if Carey Mulligan will be taking over.

A spokesperson for Fox told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It is a sad fact that Hugh Jackman following a whole bunch of films – seven in total – will finally be hanging up his titanium claws, but we’re really excited to have found a replacement who will bring Wolverine to a whole new audience. Carey has that fresh faced exuberance and that lovely shy vulnerability that is there in the comic books and that Hugh, despite all his best efforts, singularly failed to bring to the screen.

Fox is hoping to change several of the main characters in a bid to compete with Marvel’s Avengers series and casting rumors have been rife. Ariana Grande is currently in talks to play a new version of Professor Xavier and Miley Cyrus looks like a possible Nightcrawler.

Mulligan herself said that she was ‘excited by the opportunity but also a little nervous of having to go up against Hugh’s super portrayal.’ She has already begun smoking cigars to prepare for the role and is due to have the surgery which will see her adamantium skeleton implanted.

How does she feel about having six inch razor sharp claws protruding from her knuckles?

‘Well, I’ll never be lost for a pair of scissors again!’ says the delightful Mulligan.

X-Men Apocalypse will be released in 2016 and Wolverine: Donkey Heaven will be out the following year. 

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: THE BROADWAY MUSICAL

BELGIUM – Tom Six’s The Human Centipede follows in the footsteps of Billy Elliot and Spider-man to become the latest movie to be transformed into a big Broadway musical. 

With Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence in cinemas at the moment the popularity of the digestive horror franchise has never been higher and some analysts are surprised only that it hasn’t made the move earlier. Theater critic Xavier Poulis said:

Human Centipede is an absolutely obvious choice for Broadway adaptation. It has physical movement, a strong central idea and it is genuinely moving. The team assembled are top class and I can see Human Centipede challenging the likes of Les Miserables for longevity.

Tim Rice has already written the book and Andrew Lloyd Webber is busy putting the finishing touches to what he calls ‘the sickest shit I’ve ever done.’

The first songs have leaked (never was the word more appropriate) onto the internet, with such promising titles as ‘He’s got the Whole World in his Glands’ and ‘You’ll find an End in Me’. James Purefoy will take the role of the mad scientist whose anatomical experiment has terrible consequences for Andrew Garfield, Rachel McAdams and Carey Mulligan.

An overexcited Tim Rice said:

We’ve missed in some classics, like Scott Walker’s ‘Get Behind Me’ and the evergreen favorite ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, with some of our original songs like ‘Arse horizon’ and the fantastic post-operation ‘Stuck in the Middle with You’ which we’ve changed to ‘Smm mmmml mmw ooo’ because it’s sung by the one in the middle.

The Human Centipede Sings! is due to open early in 2016.

DRIVE REMIXED WITH CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of a BBC remix by Zane Lowe, Nicolas Winding Refn is to re-release Drive Remixed, featuring a new score based on the musical Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The Pusher director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I watched the re-scored version of the film and I felt inspired. I phoned Ryan Gosling up and Carey Mulligan and we went into the studio Monday morning and recorded Truly Scrumptious, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Lovely Lonely Man, Toot Sweets and Come to the Fun Fair. Then Tuesday I put them into the film and we got the CGI guys to get their lips to move in synch. It was absolutely f*cking awesome. It brings out a whole new level to the film that I didn’t even suspect was there before.

What was the most surprising discovery?

The elevator scene. When Ryan is stamping on that guy’s head, he’s singing Hushabye Mountain and we re-edited it as well so it looks like he’s tap dancing. I mean we watched it on Friday and we all had tears in our eyes when the lights came back up. ‘This is like a joke right?’ Ryan said. Probably just because he was so happy with seeing his keynote performance rediscovered in such a truly awesome way.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was the creation of James Bond author Ian Fleming. The tale of a flying car which travels to a distant land was made into a film scripted by Roald Dahl and directed by Ken Hughes. It starred Dick Van Dyke and Sally Ann Howes. Another James Bond connection was evident in the casting of Goldfinger, Gert Frobes and the producer was the same as the 007 series, Harry Saltzman. The songs were written by the Sherman Brothers. Drive Remixed will not follow the plot of the original film.

Drive Remixed: Drivey Drivey Stamp Stamp will be released on Blu-Ray and DVD in time for Christmas. 

EMILIA CLARKE BECOMES LODGE MOTHER OF THE JOLLY BASTARDS

HOLLYWOOD – You’ll know her as Daenerys Targarayen on HBO’s Game of Thrones, but British born actress Emilia Clarke today was enrolled as the Lodge Mother of the Ex-Pat British Actors Club, The Jolly Bastards.

At a ceremony at exclusive Santa Monica restaurant Chinois on Main, Jolly Bastards President Benedict Cumberbatch said that everyone was ‘frightfully thrilled at the news’:

Emilia has a pair of stunning eyebrows and we’re all going to have a lot of fun getting up to high jinks and japes over here in our favorite former colony, America-landia. And so say all of us!

The Jolly Bastards was originally formed in the 1960s by Cary Grant and David Niven, but through the years has become the gang of choice for former UK thespians living in La-La Land. Ms. Clarke was introduced to the group by fellow Game of Thrones star and long time Jolly Bastard Charles Dance. Other members include Tom Hiddleston and Alan Rickman.

The group has caused some controversy in the past as it has allegedly (actually self-confessedly) been involved in a number of crimes including Swan murder, but which the LAPD have declined to investigate because the perpetrators ‘have such charming accents.’

The mayhem is likely to only increase with the glorious Ms. Clarke now counted alongside Carey Mulligan and Judi Dench in the female wing of the group.

For more on the Jolly Bastards be so good as to CLICK HERE.

STARS WHO PICK THEIR NOSES (AND EAT IT)

HOLLYWOOD – Brad Pitt does it. Ethan Hawke, Matt Damon and Carey Mulligan do it. They’re all doing it. The new craze that is sweeping Hollywood, second only to smoking heroin as the favored past time of the stars: picking your nose and eating it.



The Studio Exec of course was the first to uncover this unhygienic and – doctor’s say – possibly fatal recreational activity when we broke the story of Zac Efron’s nose picking antics. Since then our metaphorical postbag has been bulging with evidence that the practice is more widespread than previously feared. 
Resident nasal hygienist Xavier Poulis commented:

It is very easy. First it starts with the occasional scratching of the nostril rim. Then a star might think ‘I’ll have a harmless rummage’, possibly followed by some flicking of nasal mined matter. But once that finger goes from nose to mouth and the salty devil’s green is chewed… That’s Game Over, I’m afraid.

However, it isn’t all fun. Lindsay Lohan was rushed to hospital last week after she picked her nose clean off.

Anyone who knows anyone who suffers from this terrible addiction please send us photos so we can all laugh.

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS ‘NOT A PORN MOVIE’

LONDON – The Coen Brothers‘ new film Inside Llewyn Davis ‘is not a porn movie’, insists star Oscar Isaac

Talking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Isaac was at pains to point out that – despite its racy title – the film, which will show at the London Film Festival before going on release in the Fall, was in fact a return to classical Coen territory. 

It’s actually set in the world of folk music in New York in the early sixties. I can’t say much more because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. But I can say that it is definitely not a porn movie. I don’t understand where on earth you got that notion from.

So you’re claiming it’s more erotica? 

No, it’s not erotica. It’s really not that concerned with … sex. It isn’t that kind of film.

How did you feel about having to perform full frontal nudity with Carey Mulligan?

 Well, I didn’t. Our characters have had a relationship but … Look let’s be absolutely clear, Inside Llewyn Davis is not a skin flick. It ain’t a porn movie. And that’s that. You understand? Finally?

Okay, so what does the title mean? 

Oh wait. Yeah. Now I think about it in the original cut there was this scene. It’s quite funny that I should have forgotten about it, but now it comes to mind. Anyway. Er, my character really needs money and he has to do some stuff. And you know how in Barton Fink the camera goes down the plughole and into the pipes? Well … But Ethan and Joel decide that tonally it was all wrong for the movie and so they got rid of it. So now, I’m beginning to see where the confusion comes from.

Inside Llewyn Davis will be released Fall, 2013.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH REPLIES TO JULIAN ASSANGE

 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – Now everybody knows that Benedict Cumberbatch received an email from Wikileaks founder Julian Assange asking him not to take the role of Julian Assange in Bill Condon’s new film The Fifth Estate.

What people don’t know is that Cumberbatch wrote a reply but thanks to our friends at the NSA we have obtained/stolen a copy. Click over the jump to read the full text. 
 Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2013
From: Benedict Cumberbatch 
To: Julian Assange
Subject: RE: Message from Assange
Dear Jules,
Thank you for your reply to me trying to contact you. It is the first time I’ve had a letter from a historical person!
I am disappointed that you have decided not to be involved. I think I would have enjoyed meeting you too. I had invited Tom Hiddleston to come round as well and I was thinking we could all play Twister! Imagine that, you me and Hiddles all playing Twister in Ecuadorian embassy. It would have been class. Talking about bonding.  
Anyway no worries about not wanting to. I’m an actor. I’m sure I can do a pretty good version of you without meeting you. After all I haven’t met any f*cking dragons to play Smaug have I? Ha ha ha!! 
I think I’ve got you down pretty good. I’m using Paul Hogan as a model for the accent and I’ve taken the hair from Lady Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.  The bond that develops between an actor and a living subject is significant, but I can just make it up. 
As for your comment: ‘I believe you are a good person, but I do not believe that this film is a good film’: I’ve thought about this a bit and I think I’d have to say ‘f*ck off!’ I imagine you’ve been watching lots of telly locked up in the embassy there, but it doesn’t make you Roger Ebert just yet, does it? Eh? Why don’t we make the film first, eh?  
Anyway, I have to go. Emma Watson and Carey Mulligan are coming for dinner and then we’re going to have a pie fight. Can you imagine how crazy that is going to be?
Laters
 
Benedict

CAREY MULLIGAN VOWS TO KILL PAPARAZZO

HOLLYWOOD – Waif-like pixie star of fragile beauty Carey Mulligan – star of An Education, Drive and The Great Gatsby – yesterday vowed to hunt and kill a paparazzo in what is becoming a disturbing new craze among the young and powerful in tinsel town.

‘They’ve had it their way too long,’ said Ms. Mulligan, announcing the first annual Hollywood paparazzi cull. ‘And now it’s our turn.’

Kanye West was arrested for jumping the gun slightly with an early strike on a photographer but cull organizer Hilary Swank put it down to ‘boyish exuberance’ and played down criticism, citing Nicole Kidman’s recent experience as justification.

They stalk us; they call us names and they even ride bikes into us. It’s time for a little pay back.

The cull – which is sponsored by Gucci – will see stars from across the Hollywood spectrum from Kurt Russell to Benedict Cumberbatch going after all photojournalists, armed mainly with diamond embossed throwing stars and decollete crossbows. Ms. Mulligan, however,has proven herself the most blood thirsty enthusiast, vowing to collect scalps which she will wear dripping with gore to the premier of her new film Far From the Madding Crowd.

A spokesman for the LAPD advised photojournalists to stay away from Beverly Hills if they could at all avoid it, but asked if they were going to take any action against Carey and her pals revealed that they were not inclined to ‘as she has such a fresh complexion’.

The 1st Annual Paparazzi Cull last from the 16th of September to the 23rd.

ROYAL BABY BIOPIC GREEN LIT

LONDON – Only days have passed since the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton and Prince William Windsor spawned Prince George Alexander Louis Windsor, the latest entry in the longest running and most successful UK franchise since Harry Potter. And yet already Hollywood is making its move. 

“We’re thinking a cross between The King’s Speech and Look Who’s Talking,” says Richard Curtis, who has come out of retirement in order to direct the Royal movie. “So we’ve called it Attend on Whom is Speechifying.”
Casting has already begun though the most important parts have yet to be finalised. 

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the royal baby and Ray Winstone will be voicing the baby of his lowly working class chum, Biff. Rowan Atkinson will be a comedy vicar, but we’ve yet to get our William or our Kate, though Carey Mulligan is growing her hair out in anticipation.

Curtis – who directed Love, Actually and The Boat that Rocked – has promised a sophisticated intellectual comedy close in spirit to Mr. Bean, which he also scripted. 

Attend on Whom is Speechifying will be released in 2015. 

FILM VERSION OF JEFF WAYNE’S WAR OF THE WORLDS MUSICAL GREEN LIT

LONDON – Ullllaaaaa! The Martians are coming! Tom Hooper has announced that following the success of Les Misérables he will be filming Jeff Wayne’s musical version of H.G. Wells’ science fiction classic War of the Worlds.


Russell Crowe will star as the unnamed journalist who acts as the narrator, played in the 1978 original by Richard Burton. Thankfully it is not a singing role.

Other major roles yet to be cast include the artillery man (David Essex), although many rumours are already circulating about noises coming from Benedict Cumberbatch‘s bathroom, which have sounded suspiciously like singing. The Preacher Nathaniel  will almost undoubtedly be played by Antony Hegarty from Antony and the Johnsons and Carey Mulligan is rumoured to be in talks to play his wife. 

Tom Hooper’s Jeff Wayne’s H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds starts filming……….NOW.   

CANNES DIARY. DAY 5

plotting mayhem

CANNES – You remember in War of the Worlds where there’s a massive noise of mass destruction and they go out the next day and a massive airliner has crashed on their house? Yeah? Well, that’s like waking up after a party with Joel and Ethan Coen. And that Carey Mulligan looks like butter couldn’t melt in her mouth? Well, let me tell you it can. I mean I literally saw butter melt in her mouth last night, but I can’t possibly tell you the rest of the story. Or maybe I can.


Those literary guys are some sick f*cks. If they’re not quoting Jean Genet, they’re saying things like au contraire to each other. These are the guys who claim that Finnegan’s Wake was hilarious. They’re new film’s a blast though. A real return to form after that John Waynebull crap. And they know it.
To see them walking down the Croisette at four o’clock this morning smashing shop windows with special hammers they always take with them, was enough to make the most grizzled gendarme smile and blush like a little girl.
Before reaching for his mace.



REVIEW: THE GREAT GATSBY












The guy who died in Romeo and Juliet and Titanic is back – and this time he’s brought Spiderman. Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) lives next to eccentric enigmatic millionaire, Jay Gatsby (Leonardo di Caprio). We know he’s enigmatic because everyone keeps telling us he is. 

He throws swell parties and pals around with Spidey for a while but only because he wants to get into the Jazz pants of Carey ‘Fragile Rose’ Mulligan.

Of course, Baz Luhrmann is a great visual artist, but the problem with someone being a visionary is everything looks the same. He makes the Jazz Age into the Jizz Age, with a New York lifted from the Phantom Menace and a soundtrack from someone’s iPod. The 3D makes you feel as if you are really there, sitting in a cinema with a large pair of glasses on, watching a dull film. Add to this that Tobey Maguire, possibly the least interesting man who has ever lived, reads huge chunks of Fitzgerald’s text in a Mr. Bean like drone over the often silly images.


Five Stars. *****

POLL RESULTS: WHO SHOULD PLAY CHRISTIAN GREY IN THE 50 SHADES OF GREY MOVIE?

Ageing martial artists and ‘so crap its good’ postmodern ironic like icon, Chuck Norris would according to our esteemed readership make the best Christian Grey in the new Fifty Shades of Grey  film, beating out close contender Carey Mulligan.


The poll was carried out in response to the breaking news that Max Von Sydow had landed the role (for this story read HERE), news which later turned out to be a malicious invention  on the part of Max Von Sydow himself.  However, our readers voted in overwhelming numbers (over 40), and most of them were men who wished to sabotage the movie because they were heartily tired of women enjoying porn.

Max Von Sydow
  11 (26%)
 
Eli Wallach
  5 (11%)
 
Chuck Norris
  16 (38%)
 
Carey Mulligan
  13 (30%)