HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’

The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.

The agent stated:

The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.

Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’

Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.

Captain Phillips is currently winning the Oscars. 


NEW YORK – Following a barrage of criticism from ‘anonymous crew members’, Paul Greengrass responded to the allegations currently plaguing his piracy drama Captain Phillips during a Reddit AMA.

Here is his statement in full:

I’m glad you asked that, because this is something we need to clear up. Some people have been claiming that Captain Phillips did not behave with the heroism the film portrays and there have even been claims by the website that the film inadequately shows Captain Phillips invention of the screwdriver which bears his name. Let’s deal with that first. That episode comes from a period in his life a decade prior to the incidents the film we’re making deal with. The scope of one film cannot include every aspect of what – I think you’ll agree – is an extraordinary life. As for the claim that Captain Phillips rather than being a Captain in the merchant marine off the coast of Africa, was actually the Captain of the Statten Island ferry; and rather than undergoing an ordeal of an attack by pirates, he had to deal with a group of young vandals writing on the seats with sharpies; and they weren’t from Somalia, but Elizabethtown; and he wasn’t kidnapped in a lifeboat for five days, he was swore at for five minutes. Now, I’m not going into whether any of those things are true or not. All I’m going to say is what film would you rather see. We tried to make it more dramatic and in the process changed certain geographical, chronological and actual facts, but I think most people will agree the spirit of the actual incident that ‘inspired’ the film remains intact.

Captain Phillips is currently in theatres.  


LONDON – The 57th BFI London Film Festival opened last night with a Gala presentation of Paul Greengrass’ new film Captain Phillips and although I didn’t have an official invitation I assumed that this was simply a way of encouraging me to get into the swing of things. So I stole a small motorboat and, dressed in Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow cast offs, boarded the cinema from the banks of the Thames and roaring ‘Shiver me timbers’.and hoisted the skull and cross bones before what could only be described as ‘deeply frightened members of the public’. It turned out I had got the wrong cinema.  
Tom Hanks thought the whole thing hilarious when I met him later in the bar. Many people don’t know this about Hanks because of his screen persona, but he is in fact a highly unstable man prone to acts of insane psychopathic violence. He reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson but without the sense of  timid restraint. Add to this he hates the British and we were in for a fun evening. No sooner could you say ‘fire extinguisher’ than Hanks was punching a waiter in the throat and throwing the crockery at the assembled dignitaries. I quietened things down as best as I could and got Gump into a car, but in the confusion I let Greengrass get in behind the wheel. That asshole drives like he edits. We were all over the road and before you could say Angels and Demons we were back in the Thames. However as the shock of the cold water began to ebb and I freed myself from the sinking car, I heard the distant sound of Moby playing and began to swim for the surface, praying Hanks would be close behind.   


LONDON – Tom Hanks returns to acting from the Cloud Atlas dressing up cupboard to play the inventor of the Phillips head screwdriver in Paul Greengrass’ Captain Phillips, the opening film of the 57th London Film Festival

Based on a true story, the film starts off quirkily enough with an episode from Phillips’ early life when he was the captain of large ship that was seized off the Somali coast by pirates. This is obviously well inside the Bourne director’s comfort zone and unfortunately the film refuses to budge from this moment. We see in Tom Hanks performance an inkling of the pragmatic humorless man who will write his name in the history of tools, but only an inkling as Mr. Greengrass prefers to pursue his thriller subplot for all its worth. Obviously, Captain Phillips is actually an origins story and Paul Greengrass is saving the exciting stuff for the sequel.


LONDON – So Festivals come and Festivals go but what are the FACTS! Well, the Studio Exec in anticipation of his British sojourn has polished off his best Dick Van Dyke and cor’ Blimey Guv’ if these aren’t the FACTS! behind the 57th BFI London Film Festival in partnership with American Express.

1. The London film festival originally took place in New York. It was called the London Film Festival due to the fact that the organiser was famous novelist and wolf channeller Jack London. But when he became disinterested in the world of cinema due to his death, they moved it to London so that it would make more sense.

2. Although there have been 57 editions of the festival, they only began to actually show films three years ago. Festival organiser Billy Connolly said that screening films was considered a waste of valuable drinking time.  

3. The BFI stands for Big Friendly Idiots.

4. The opening film of the festival this year is called Captain Phillips and stars Tom Hanks as the inventor of the screwdriver.

5.  As the festival takes place in Britain booing or applauding at the end of screenings is discouraged and audiences are asked politely to restrict their reactions to a quiet clearing of phlegm from the back of the throat.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!