MARVEL GIVE UP FILM PRODUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – In a shock move that has brought cries of almost physical pain from the geek-i-verse, Marvel Studios have said that once they’ve released Thor: the Dark World ‘that’s your lot’.  

The sequels to The Avengers, Hulk and Captain America have already halted pre-production, or production and the film that had already been shot has been deleted and/or burnt.

Kevin Feige explaining Marvel’s decision tried to put a positive spin on it:

The fact is we’re kind of grown up adult men and we were walking around the production offices looking at all these drawings of people in costumes and all these scripts of inflated power fantasies, and we just thought Jesus Christ, I think it’s time we all grew up.

News comes only seconds after Disney said that they were abandoning plans to release any Star Wars pictures ‘because – really? – does the world need another Star Wars product? Really? I mean, are you shitting me.’

A psychiatrist who works seven days a week in the film industry, Dr. Habberon Stykes has argued that a problem of ‘franchise fatigue’ is striking down executives and producers at the highest level of the production process:

What we have is these often very intelligent men and women – who am I kidding? – men. Anyway. They get to be in their forties and they look back and they just see all they’ve been doing for their adult lives is exactly what they were doing as children, but much more expensively.

So what are the plans for Marvel Studios now? Kevin Feige said, ‘We’re currently working on a series of documentaries that are going to go into the corrosion of worker’s rights in America. We want to bring this out at Christmas where we’ll be going head to head with Disney’s new film The Syrian Civil War: Why You Should Care?

NEW MARVEL POLICY: ‘WE WILL ONLY PRODUCE FILMS WITH A NUMBER IN TITLE’

NEW YORK – Marvel has announced that from now on they will only produce films which have a number in the title (or a colon), because they have ‘got tired of the demands of originality’ and it makes their collective ‘heads thobbing! Can’t THHINKKKK!’

Their current platform will not be affected at all. Iron Man 3 is due out next year, which will see Robert Downey Jr continuing his protracted break from acting. Everyone is eagerly anticipating Thor 2 or something. Captain America 2 is also planned along with The Avengers 2, or as it will be called in the UK The Avengers Reassemble.

Studio Exec asked Joey Sclerosis – head of innovation at Marvel – What happens if you come up with a new idea?


‘What? Like Hulk? or Black Widow? or Something like that? Sheesh, easy peasy. We just call it Hulk 3 or Black Widow 2 and then we do a prequel later called Black Widow 1.’


And Pepper Potts, the stand alone Gwyneth Paltrow film?


‘Are you high? That’s never going to happen. We just did that as part of her contract negotiation. That ain’t gonna happen.’


No?


‘BAM, no, THWOCK, you hear me? WALLOP!’


Erm…okay.