DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

JULIETTE LEWIS REJOINS HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS

HOLLYWOOD – Actress and rock star Juliette Lewis has confirmed that she will be rejoining Huey Lewis and the News, despite having sworn never to work with Huey after a dispute over the writing credits for Hip to Be Square.

The Cape Fear actress said:

That’s all water under the bridge. I don’t want to drag all that up again. The short version is Huey said I wrote it and I said Huey wrote it. But let’s leave it at that. 

Although Juliette hasn’t performed with ‘the News’ for fifteen years, she has had her own solo project, Juliette and the Licks

I won’t be letting go of that. It’s been such a good experience for me. We did think of combining the groups but when we tried to combined the name we came up with Huey Lewis Licks Juliette’s News and so we decided to keep the two projects separate.

Huey Lewis said that he was delighted to have his writing companion and close collaborator back working with him. 

Juliette had a hand in writing all the hits [sotto voce] including Hip to Be Square. She is a force of nature. 

The group are expected to play a series of concerts throughout the festivals billed simply as Huey and Juliette Lewis and the News.  

SCORSESE TITLE REVIEW

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese’s new film The Wolf of Wall Street has caused huge controversy partly for it’s use of the phrase ‘cerebral palsy’, partly for its explicit scenes of sex and drug use, but mostly because the film does not feature ‘an actual wolf’.

‘I went to see a film about a wolf, possibly killing people in the financial capital of our country, perhaps not, but a wolf,’ said theater-goer Blan Haverstock. ‘And what do I get? Some bullshit about Leo DiCarpio.’

The New Yorker review of the movie had as its headline ‘Crying Wolf?’

However, Scorsese defended himself from his critics:

Usually, I am scrupulous with my titles, making sure they advertise exactly what happens in the movie. But sometimes I use a slightly more oblique approach. So no, there isn’t a wolf in Wall Street. Not as in the actual animal. It’s a metaphor or an analogy, or a simile. It’s one of those.

To help the confused here is a brief guide to the veracity of Martin Scorsese’s movie titles.

  • Mean Streets:  The streets are quite mean. 

Veracity score 8/10

  • Alice Doesn’t Live Here Any More: Alice does move but where is here? 

Veracity score 7/10

  • Taxi Driver: It is about a taxi driver.

Veracity score 10/10

  • Raging Bull: There’s no bull, just a boxer 

Veracity score 2/10

  • The King of Comedy: He isn’t funny 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Goodfellas: They’re actually Bad Fellas 

Veracity score 1/10

  • Casino: It is set in a Casino 

Veracity score 10/10

  • Kundun: Haven’t got a clue 

Veracity score ?/10

  • The Aviator: Partially true, he’s also a  nut plank 

Veracity score 4/10

  • The Departed: No one leaves for anywhere 

Veracity score 3/10

  • Shutter Island: Set on Shutter Island 

Veracity score 10/10

  • The Wolf of Wall Street: No wolf confirmed (though there is a monkey) but no wolf

Veracity score 2/10. 

 
The Wolf of Wall Street is in Theaters. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART ONE)

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro is 70 years old today. But how much do you know about him? That’s right! Nothing.

You know nothing. NOTHING! So sit down, shut up, and let the Studio Exec fill your void of a brain with FACTS.

1. Robert De Niro is Australian.

2. De Niro’s favorite director is Martin Scorsese, but due to emotional scenes during the making of Casino, Scorsese and De Niro decide to start seeing other people. Scorsese soon replaced De Niro with Leonardo Di Caprio, but De Niro like a floundering child has found himself passed from one abusive foster home to another. Jay Roach, Justin Zachman and Jon Avnet have been the unworthy recipients of Mr. De Niro’s time. 

3. De Niro’s meticulous preparation and devotion to the authenticity of the role is now legendary. During the making of Cape Fear he beat a woman to death just to see how it felt, and during the making of Meet the Parents he watched all of Ben Stiller’s previous films so he could feel the appropriate amount of hatred for Ben Stiller’s character. 

4. Robert De Niro has won seventeen Oscars. But all of them were for set design, a little known part of his talent.

5. Whenever De Niro was called on to play a real life character – such as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull – he would chop off the finger of the real person and ingest it as part of his preparation.   

Happy Birthday Mr. De Niro will air on HBO at 11 EST.