HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual mustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.
Blake Edwards comes over with a script called The Kansas City Laugh-a-thon, a bootleg comedy, he says. Would I be interested? I ask the question I always ask, mustache or no mustache? Definitely mustache, says Blake. okay, I say. But we’re going to have to change that title.
Blake is over at the house again. I have a day of Cannonball Run 2 and Dom DeLuise has come over to hang out. The script is now called The Kansas City Hooo Haaaa. I’m still not sure about it. Who’s the second lead? I asked. Dom sat upright so quick he pulled a muscle. Roger Moore, says Blake. Dom practically whizzed around the room like a let go party balloon.
Filming begins on what we’re now calling Kansas City Heat Giggle Machine. Blake is a very hands on director, by which I mean he keeps touching me. He let me decide on a co-star and I picked my old pal Clint Eastwood. He can’t do comedy to save his life so I think I’ll be okay. Looking forward to filming the bar fight today.
Blake had to go. It was the titles. They were getting embarrassing. Clint stepped in and got Robert Benjamin hired. He also changed the titles. And he broke my jaw when he me in the face with a bar stool during the very first scene. I’ve been eating through a straw and I’ve lost of ton of weight. Everyone thinks I’ve got Aids.
City Heat looks like it’s going to be a flop. What could possibly have gone wrong? We had a great story, me, Clint Eastwood, a good title. Luckily, the Cannonball Run 2 will pay the bills. Maybe was could do a trilogy!
LONDON – The Sight and Sound top 100 poll is (as you will all know) a way for top film critics from all over the world to pretend they like Citizen Kane once every ten years. In a revolutionary upset this year, on the 1st of August, it was announced that critics would be pretending to like Vertigo – not Psycho or The Birds but Vertigo and no longer Citizen Kane – for ten years. However, in an unprecedented upset, the British Film Institute today has published a set of errata which radically alter the composition of the list and will undoubtedly cause open handed slap fights in cinema lobbies up and and down the world.
The errata reads so:
During the compilation of the original list over 800 critics, programmers and directors were asked for their preferences. However, due to myopia and some out and out snobbery the final list that was published contained some serious errors, and errors is a generous interpretation of the facts. Please adjust the published list in the following way:
- In the first place where the list reads: ‘Vertigo directed by Alfred Hitchock (1958) with 191 votes’ it should instead read ‘Maid in Manhattan directed by Wayne Wang with 231 votes’.
- In the second place where the list reads: ‘Citizen Kane directed by Orson Welles (1941) with 147 votes’ should instead read ‘We Bought a Zoo directed by Cameron Crowe (2011) with 230 votes’.
- Other changes include Tokyo Story (3rd place) which has been overtaken by the Italian sex comedy A Policewoman on the Porno Squad (1979) directed by Michele Trantini; La Règle du Jeu (4th position) has been overtaken by Cannonball Run II (1984).
The rest of the list remains pretty much unaltered although The Human Centipede makes a surprise entry (no pun intended but gladly received) at 45 ousting Abbas Kiarostami’s Close-Up, which even the director called ‘dull’. Nick James the editor of Sight and Sound is climbing an unnamed Scottish mountain and so is unavailable for comment.