CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

ADAM DRIVER & JODIE FOSTER IN FIST FIGHT

BREAKING NEWS: Adam Driver & Jodie Foster have got this year’s Cannes Film Festival off to an explosive start when they got into a fist fight after the Annette red carpet premiere.



Adam Driver & Jodie Foster Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

In shocking scenes after the red carpet premiere of Annette, the star of the film, Adam Driver & Jodie Foster got into a fist fight. Movie legend, Jodie, was attending as she will receive an honorary award later during the glamorous festival. Insults were exchanged when Foster started trash-talking Driver about his wall punch scene in his film Marriage Story.

 

There’s Trouble-A-Brewing

Festival goers said they could see trouble was coming during the film as Driver and Foster could be seen knocking back can after can of strong Caribbean beer, Red Stripe. The cinema floor was littered with cans by the time everyone stood to give the film a standing ovation. Driver can be seen smoking cigarettes and Foster was just laughing as she tossed empty beer cans Driver’s way.

 

Foster – ‘He’s A Little Bitch’

It was at the premiere party when things really got nasty. Foster began trash-talking Driver about him punching like ‘A little bitch’ in Marriage Story and accused him of using a fake paper wall. Driver, who was slurring his words and swaying all over the place launched a foul mouthed counter-attack at Foster, claiming that she was anything but ‘The Brave One’ referring to her performance in the Neil Jordan film.

 

‘Fuck Off Back In Your Panic Room’

Things turned violent when Driver told Foster to ‘Fuck off back in your panic room and leave stardom to the professionals’. Foster punched Driver square in the face and sent him across the red carpet. She then told Driver that ‘You’ll need more than a fucking lightsaber to go toe to toe with me, bitch’. Driver lurched back at her and she grabbed him by the arm. She put him in an armlock slapped his ass and repeatedly called him a bitch. Foster pushed him onto the ground and started taunting him by asking how many Oscars he had.

 

Leave Her Adam, She Aint Worth It

Driver’s co-star in Annette, Marion Cotillard came to his defense. She stood between the fighting stars and shouted that Foster would have to go through her. At this point Foster stopped, blew Driver a kiss, laughed and walked off into the hot Cannes night.

 


Annette Goes On General Release On September 3rd Later This Year.

FLUFFER’S POSTCARDS FROM CANNES. PART 2.

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

Dear Debbie Reynolds,

Just back from the premiere of The Great Gatsby, and you’ll never guess who was in it: dear little Leo DiCaprio! Can’t remember what part he played and if truth be told it dragged on a little. I fell asleep before the bit where the boat sinks. Got back to the hotel and found out that some bugger had pinched my cuff links! Tell Carrie I’ve got her Duty Free, she can pay me when I get back.

Lots of love,

Edwin
 
 


 
Dear Gerard Depardieu,

Gerry! I asked the waiter at the Gilded Cheese if you’d been in lately and he tells me you’ve chipped off to Moscow. Bloody cold I’d imagine. The sun’s out here in Cannes, and a lot of the old crowd are meeting up for drinks later. Won’t be the same without you darling, but at least it’ll give the local gendarmerie the night off. I told you they weren’t really sisters didn’t I?

Cheers!

Edwin
 


  
Dear Gene Hackman,

We’re missing you at Cannes this year, Gene old pal. Bloody Stevie Spielberg keeps trying to catch my eye because he still wants us to do the My Own Private Idaho sequel. He’s giving me all the ‘people want to see how the characters have grown’ nonsense, but I’m not falling for that again, and neither should you. I said to give Harvey Keitel a ring, he’ll whip it out for anyone.
Ask Clint if he can pop ‘round to see if I’ve got any mail.

Chin chin,

Edwin
 


  
 
Dear Jack Nicholson,

Having a lovely time at Cannes this year Jacky: the Mayor says all is forgiven and we’re both welcome back any time, so that’s good news. ‘Eau under the pont’ as I told him, but I’m on best behaviour just in case. We don’t want Interpol getting snooty again. I’ve found what room Jerry Lewis is staying in, so guess who’s getting my bar bill!

Ever yours,

Edwin

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER’S POSTCARD FROM CANNES (PART ONE)

 HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

 Dear Kirk Douglas,

Call off the search, I’ve arrived safe and sound! 

There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the airport because I couldn’t find my passport, but we finally discovered it in with Steve Martin’s banjo. Had a panic on the plane when they said we were flying to France, but it turns out that’s where Cannes is. It just goes to show, you’re never too old to learn!

Love to Mike and Cathy,

Edwin

CANNES DIARY. DAY 1 AND 2

CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.

Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.

There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.

Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money.  By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.

Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.

CANNES RELEASE OFFICIAL POSTER

PARIS – Another year, another Cannes Festival and in preparation the Cannes authorities have released a poster which will be hung above the Palais du Cinema in May.

In the past Cannes has gone with icons of cinema history – Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Marcello Mastronianni and Ingrid Bergman – as a way of both celebrating the glamour of the movies but also the prestige that they have achieved. This year is no different and the most famous European film festival is paying tribute with an image of Kevin James in Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Thierry Fremaux spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the thinking behind the decision:

There are two cinemas in this world. There is the cinema that existed before 2009 and the cinema that came after 2009. That year was the year of Paul Blart Mall Cop starring Kevin James, the heir of Chaplin, Keaton, Sandler, and directed by Frank Coraci, the American Fellini as he known around these parts. I believe with Paul Blart looking down on the Croisette, this festival will be inspired to ever greater heights and also humbled to some extent about the task of carrying on the great legacy that Coraci and James have left us.

A recently restored version of Paul Blart Mall Cop will also be shown as part of a season of digitally restored Kevin James films, – including Here Comes the Boom and the rediscovered classic Grownups – which will be shown during the festival. Of course Paul Blart has a long history with the festival after Paul Blart 2 opened the festival only last year.

The Cannes Film Festival takes place from 11th of May to the 22nd.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

FRANCES MCDORMAND MARRIES SECOND COEN BROTHER

LAS VEGAS – ‘I’ve got the set,’ shouted an inebriated Frances McDormand from the steps of the small Las Vegas wedding chapel where yesterday she married her second Coen Brother, probably Ethan or Joel.

The Oscar winning actress has already been married to one of the Coens, Joel or Ethan since 1984, but decided she would like to have both sometime in 2006.

Hollywood observer Yank Mayhew said:

Bigamy is becoming the new skateboarding in Hollywood circles. Already you have Goldie Hawn married to Kurt Russell, Russell Crowe and Russell Brand. But McDormand has gone for the jackpot, adding a tinge of incest to the brew. 

Sources close to the Coen Brothers camp reported that the siblings were in fact ‘relieved’ because for some time now they had been unable to remember who was married to the Fargo star:

Genuinely confused

 It would be quite funny as a matter of fact, as they squabbled about it once Frances had left the room. When she came back, they waited for her to say something or make a gesture and then would use that as a clue. I’m afraid to say Frances exploited their confusion to basically go home with the one she wanted. 

All of us at Studio Exec would like to wish the happy trio all the best for the future.

Hail Caesar is on general release.

VENICE DIARY 6. AWARDS

VENICE – Our intrepid Studio Exec has braved the screening rooms of the Darsena, the Sala Grande and even the dreaded plastic cavern that is the Palabiennale and now is here to give you his critical opinion.

The awards are out and the results are – as is traditional – baffling and underwhelming.

Charlie Kaufman and Duke Johnson should have won the Golden Lion, but instead got the runner up Grand Jury Prize for Anomalisa. It’s like an R-rated Wallace and Gromit film, but with Gromit dead and Wallace really unhappy and perhaps mentally ill. The best director prize went to El Clan which was the best Argentinian Martin Scorsese film of the last year. The winner was Venezuelan film From Afar, which is okay. But a quick glance at some past winners will show how often a fairly twee choice will trump better films. Does anyone remember Scra GRA? Somewhere? Did anyone see Faust? Or the Pigeon Sitting on a Branch Contemplating Existence, which won last year? The last two were actually good films, but Somewhere? How did that win? How did Quentin Tarantino’s ex-girlfriend Sofia Coppola’s rather drab film impress the head of the jury Quentin Tara… oh.

There is a chance that Venice were copying Cannes who awarded Dheepan the Palme d’Or despite the fact it was only a bit better then How to Train Your Dragon 2.

The Venice Film Festival is done. I hope you enjoyed our coverage which is all available here.

GASPAR NOÉ PREPARES PG-13 CUT OF LOVE

CANNES – Controversial director Gaspar Noé has confirmed that he has prepared a PG-13 cut of Love to be shown in the US.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec on the Croisette the shock director Gaspar Noé said that he believed the core message of the film was so important that he wanted young people to have the opportunity to watch it as well, albeit in a truncated form.

It was very difficult obviously to reduce a film with some quite explicit scenes to something that the MPAA would award a PG-13 certificate to, but we consulted with them and listened to their concerns and we cut accordingly. Even at times perhaps erring on the side of caution.

Noé denied the move was prompted by commercial  necessities which make it very difficult for an R rated movie to make money.

I am an artist and my most important thing is my message. But second to that is having my message heard and understood by as wide an audience as possible. I want to have all the children in the world see my film and join hands and dance around little bonfires. And then we can sit down and discuss the implications. The yogurt quirts and nudity and crass language are not essential to that message.

Love won’t be the first film that has been cut for a wider audience, despite having explicit adult content. The children friendly version of Mary Poppins is now even more famous than the original three hour sex epic.

The 23 minute Love will be released in July.

VENICE AND TORONTO FILM FESTIVALS TO MARRY AND HAVE BABIES

HOLLYWOOD – The Venice Film Festival and the Toronto International Film Festival will be marrying and having children, it was learned today

Alberto Barbera unveiled the lineup to the 72nd Venice Film Festival this morning, and in doing so he also stated that the event will be getting together with its archrival the Toronto International Film Festival and marrying sometime in October:

We want to have beautiful babies and I believe the time has come to put our differences aside and get down and dirty and produce progeny that will shock the world.

The announcement has come as a shock as the two festivals have always competed for movies and often argue about the type of thing a festival should do. Toronto has played the field—a promiscuous beast gladly accepting streams of lovers into her arms without much care for quality. She has also been more than happy to take Venice’s leftovers, but in recent years she has grown jealous and wont to grab anything Venice has written an artful sonnet to.

Toronto chief Cameron Bailey confirmed the news via Skype:

We got together early in the summer to see if we could organize things so we wouldn’t overlap so much. We had some wine. Then some grappa, and one thing led to another. Why always be fighting and grappling? There’s room enough for both of us and we’re both so beautiful. Imagine the gorgeous offspring that will fill the world with cinematic love.

Venice has three adult children from a former marriage with Cannes. 

HANEKE AND FARRELLY BROTHERS COLLABORATE ON FUNNIER GAMES

AUSTRIA – Famed Austrian auteur and misery Michael Haneke is to team up with some of the legends of American gross out comedy to remake Funny Games for the second time.

Having won the Palmes D’Or and the Oscars for his film Amour, Michael Haneke is considered by many to be at the top of his art house game. And so yesterday’s announcement came out of the blue, as – in a joint press conference with Pete and Bobby Farrelly, he announced a sequel to his only American made film, Funny Games, provisionally entitled Funnier Games.

The 2007 film which featured Naomi Watts and Tim Roth being terrorized by Michael Pitt and chum in white tennis toggs was something of a misstep for the director and he has since gone on record regretting the film, which was a remake of a film he had already made in German in 1997. The idea for a sequel came when the director saw the film again in a small Los Angeles theater.

Haneke recalled:

There was this raucous laughter coming from the back all the way through the film, and I thought how wonderful, finally someone who understands my admittedly bleak Austrian sense of humor.  After the film I followed the men who had been laughing and cornered them at the McDonald’s where they were drinking out of one soda carton with two straws.

‘We thought Mikey’s work was unbelievable, like totally,’ says Bobby.

‘Misunderstood,’ says Petey. ”The Seventh Continent? Hilarious. Hour of the Wolf? Hilarious. The White Ribbon? I pissed my pants it was so funny.’

‘He totally did,’ says Bobby. ‘He pissed his pants.’

The new film will feature Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey, killing children amidst hapless escapades and gross out humor.

‘He really did piss his pants,’ Bobby assured us. Again.

Funny Games will be released in 2017.

CANNES REVIEW – LOVE

CANNES REVIEW – LOVE – Gaspar Noé first cut his teeth directing one of those Muppet movies in the mid-nineties – The Muppet’s Treasure Island I think – but has since made his name as an arch-provocateur, with a full stock of schlock shock, so when he turned up on the Croisette with a film called Love, boasting 3D jizzing members and unsimulated full-on hardcore sex, you can bet I was in the front row, but was it any good?

No.

Which isn’t to say it’s awful. Just not great.

Electra (Aomi Muyock) and Murphy (Karl Glusman) are irritatingly attractive lovers, who have handily demonstrative sex, almost as if they know they’re being filmed from above. They’re particularly keen on fulfilling Gaspar Noé’s sexual fantasies, especially the one about a threesome with the conveniently blonde neighbor Omi (Klara Kristin). They grunt, hump and sigh, and then talk so much donkey shit about art, film, love etc, that almost seems to have been written down for them. And it goes on. Noé himself turns up to screw his female lead on screen. Imagine a Hitchcock cameo, but with the emphasis on the second syllable.

It’s indulgent and silly, and it gets a bit boring. It isn’t as if these two have that much imagination in the bedroom and Murphy’s misogynistic bullshit tires fast and leaves us with no one really to root for. Plus sexy Electra has to have some tragic angle because, you know, girls can’t actually just enjoy sex (!?) which leaves us with the feeling that Love isn’t radical, but kinda conservative. It’s not so much the Emperor’s got no clothes, as the Emperor is wearing a skin toned body stocking. Which, if you think about it, is creepier.

Love is (ahem) coming soon. 

PIXAR TO REMAKE LOVE

CANNES – In news that rocked the Croisette John Lasseter announced that Pixar is set to remake Gaspar Noe’s 3D porn film Love.

The Toy Story director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to George Miller, who told close friend the Studio Exec:

Love is one of those films that as soon as you see it you know there has to be an English language remake.

But Love is in English.

It is? Really? I didn’t notice. Okay, but still what I meant to say was an animated version. This will be the first time Pixar takes an existing property and turns it into a film. So we’re very excited.

But isn’t this a departure for Pixar?

Not at all actually. You see we’re tired of making films which appeal to children and adults alike. We have made some films – Cars 2 for instance – which appealed to no one at all. But now we want to make our first adult film and Gaspar Noe’s Love seems like the perfect fit.

How so?

We initially were thinking of making a sequel to Inside Out, taking the story into adulthood, but obviously that means that we would be dealing with some issues that we don’t normally deal with. Sex for instance. So when we saw Love I slapped my forehead and cried out ‘This is the sequel to Inside Out.’

Pixar’s Love will be released in 2017.