CANNES MUST SEE LIST

CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.

No Cannes Boo!

No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.

Car Crash Press Conferences

Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.

Cannes Must See Shopping List

Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.

The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.

CANNES FILM FESTIVAL BEGINS

CANNES – The 73rd Cannes Film Festival opens today.

Another year, another Cannes film festival. We flew in to Nice late last night and now the Studio Exec team has gathered in our hotel suite overlooking the Croisette. The program promises to be lively and the jury, led by Spike Lee no less, will no doubt begin their deliberations. One things for sure, this is going to be a bumper year of fun and controversy.

For once there doesn’t seem to be that many people about. In fact going for a walk this morning there was hardly anybody and no sign of the massive billboards that usually front the hotels. The Palais du Cinema looks dark and the queues at the accreditation are non-existent. It’s a bit sloppy of the organisers but they haven’t announced the official programme or what the opening film is going to be. Come on Thierry, get it together!

Personally, I have my fingers crossed for the Kevin James starrer Paul Blart Mall Cop 3. Though some people argued that Richard Jewell was effectively a Paul Blart sequel, I’ve never accepted it as cannon. Obviously, there’ll be a Naomi Kawase movie as there has been every year since 1946. Other highlights will include queuing for three hours to then not get in to the new Wes Anderson The French Dispatch. Also the culinary delights of moules frites, pan bagnat and pan aux chocolat. We’ll frequent all the most chic nightspots like Ma Nolan’s and the Petit Majestique.

Highlights

Some highlights to look forward to:

Gaspar Noe’s new film Rimjob looks set to be his most controversial yet with a forty minute sequence in which someone puts bread in the fridge, something you should never do.

Wes Anderson will grace the red carpet with everybody who has ever acted appearing in his new film.

The ‘Death of Cinema’ is debated for the first time ever.

To avoid spoilers being leaked via social media the festival is requesting press screenings to take place only after everyone in the world has already seen the films.

People finally admit rose wine is awful and we wouldn’t drink it if it wasn’t free.

The Cannes Film Festival ends on May 24th.

CANNES RELEASE OFFICIAL POSTER

PARIS – Another year, another Cannes Festival and in preparation the Cannes authorities have released a poster which will be hung above the Palais du Cinema in May.

In the past Cannes has gone with icons of cinema history – Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Marcello Mastronianni and Ingrid Bergman – as a way of both celebrating the glamour of the movies but also the prestige that they have achieved. This year is no different and the most famous European film festival is paying tribute with an image of Kevin James in Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Thierry Fremaux spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the thinking behind the decision:

There are two cinemas in this world. There is the cinema that existed before 2009 and the cinema that came after 2009. That year was the year of Paul Blart Mall Cop starring Kevin James, the heir of Chaplin, Keaton, Sandler, and directed by Frank Coraci, the American Fellini as he known around these parts. I believe with Paul Blart looking down on the Croisette, this festival will be inspired to ever greater heights and also humbled to some extent about the task of carrying on the great legacy that Coraci and James have left us.

A recently restored version of Paul Blart Mall Cop will also be shown as part of a season of digitally restored Kevin James films, – including Here Comes the Boom and the rediscovered classic Grownups – which will be shown during the festival. Of course Paul Blart has a long history with the festival after Paul Blart 2 opened the festival only last year.

The Cannes Film Festival takes place from 11th of May to the 22nd.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CANNES DIARY – YORGOS LANTHIMOS PUT IN CHARGE OF CANNES

CANNES – Dogtooth and The Lobster director Yorgos Lanthimos has been placed in charge of badge allocation as well as the running of next year’s Cannes film festival.

The Greek director has been given carte blanche (a French phrase) to write a set of arbitrary rules to replace the already arbitrary rules put in place. We had a chance to talk to Yorgos after he wandered into the Studio Exec Pavillion on the Croisette at Cannes.

I intend to completely revolutionize the way Cannes is organized next year. First of all I’m going to give everyone with a pink badge a yellow badge and everyone with yellow badge a blue badge, and everyone with a blue badge a green badge and everyone with a green badge a pink badge. The white badges will remain the same for they are all my friends and they will help us rule.

How will you rule Yorgos?

With terror and politeness. Everyone will say please and thank you but stabbings will be mandatory and will take place daily in the Debussy Theatre. Queuing will be suddenly and randomly reversed. People will be admitted to the theater but the theater will be full of cats and no one will be allowed to leave until all of the cats have been murdered and eaten.

Jesus!

No, it’s pronounced Yorgos. It’s Greek.

I know.

Oh, and another thing I am going to make everyone vassal slaves and at parties they will be forced to have joyless sex.

How will we be able to tell the difference?

Ha ha. You are funny. Now you must kill a cat and eat it. Thank you very much.

Yorgos Lanthimos will also be accepting a cabinet position in David Cameron’s new government in the United Kingdom.

For more Cannes coverage, go find it, you lazies. 

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT CANNES

CANNES – The Cannes Film Festival runs from 13th of May until the 24th of May in the beautiful seaside town of Cannes, but what do we really know about it?

We sent The Studio Exec FACT squad to the Croissette to find out.

1. The Cannes-Cannes dance originated at the Cannes Film Festival. It was invented by Francious Truffaut as an expression of joy when his debut film Les Quatre Cents Coups (400 Blows) won the best director award in 1959. It then became customary for ever winner to do the dance before their acceptance speech. The practice was eventually banned in 1991 after the Coen Brothers used their celebratory dance – on winning a rare sweep of the major awards for Barton Fink – to kick their arch rivals the Baldwin brothers in their faces.

2. Lars Von Trier was declared Persona Non Grata by the Cannes Film Festival following his Nazi-y remarks at the press conference for Melancholia. Cannes authorities were particularly upset because noted Jew Mel Gibson was also at the festival starring in Jodie Foster’s porn film The Beaver.

3. Clint Eastwood was the President of one of the most lively juries in Cannes history. The arguments between the jurists led in some instances to punch ups and in others to marriage. In the end the Jury awarded the Palme d’Or to Pulp Fiction. Eastwood justified his choice by saying ‘Although I didn’t care for the picture’s violence and profane dialogue, the furniture was really sexy!’

4. The red carpet down which the stars and directors walk before every major premiere is dyed red from the blood of last year’s losers, each of whom have to donate three pints of blood before they are allowed to leave the Cote d’Azure.

5. The Cannes Film Festival is divided into several different sections. There’s the main competition, then Un Certain Regard sidebar, The Director’s Fortnight and the Dardennes Brothers section, which is devoted to the films of the Dardennes Brothers.

For more FACTS click HERE.

FULL CANNES LINE-UP INCLUDES ONLY FILMS FROM 1970S

PARIS – This morning 11 am Paris time, the full line-up for the 68th Cannes Film Festival was announced, which will break with tradition by only featuring films made in the 1970s.

Outgoing president Thierry Frémaux said that usually the film festival shows exclusively new films:

The whole raison d’être of Cannes is to promote world cinema in its current form, but recently we’ve been looking around and it’s pitiful. So we decided in order to ensure ten days of creme de la creme cinema we thought why not use films that we know are good for sure.

The full list contains The Conversation, Chinatown, Deliverance, Taxi Driver, Barry Lyndon, Aguirre Wrath of God, Dog Day Afternoon, Days of Heaven, Le Cercle Rouge, Picnic at Hanging Rock, The Big Bus, Solaris and The Spy Who Loved Me.

Pierre Lescure, the new Cannes president, said that it was an exciting time for Cannes:

We’re really pleased to have such outstanding film-makers such as Stanley Kubrick and Terrence Malick included in this year’s competition. Hopefully one of the famous recluses will make a surprise appearance!

Defending the lack of women directors in the list, Lescure shrugged and blew air through his lips.

C’est la vie! It was the seventies.

Cannes will take place from the 13th to the 24th of May, 2015. 

2014 CANNES PREVIEW: SPACE NUGGET 3D

CANNES – Community show-runner Dan Harmon will be on the Croissette next month with his directorial debut and the opening film of the Cannes Film Festival, the eagerly awaited 3D spectacular Space Nugget starring Aaron Eckhart.

Little is known about the film, except that it is not a comedy and has been trailed extensively on the Harmon Town podcast. One industry insider who saw an early cut of the film described it as being ‘similar to Gravity in its basic scientific inaccuracy’.   

The first act tells the story of a mining operation in what is described as the most dangerous asteroid field in the Universe. Aaron Eckhart plays Captain Martial Pending, a space pirate, who seeks refuge behind the Space Nugget when a desperate Space Robbery goes wrong, but then they are caught up in an intergalactic war between The Corporation and the Love Biscuit Front. Eddie Murphy plays a straight role as villain Luther Larry Legal.

Dan Harmon himself has denied all knowledge of the film and maintains that the whole thing is a ‘joke’.

Space Nugget 3D will premier May 14th.

THE CANNES 2013 PARTY GUIDE

CANNES – The Studio Exec gets invited to all the fancy soirées and unless you’re a Hollywood player or you’re prepared to blow the bouncer; chances are you’ll be one of those poor unfortunates left out in the rain nursing your overpriced cocktail wondering where it all went wrong.


Don’t despair though because these events are never as hot as you think they are. Sure the booze is free and you get the opportunity to rub shoulders with the rich and shameless but once you’ve seen William Defoe do Gangham style and Jessica Chastian vomit in her handbag, you yearn to be in your local bar drinking flat beer from rusty pipes.

For those who do crave the smug satisfaction of standing next to Shia Labeouf as he chats to Yoko Ono about the social economic situation in Liberia whilst denying your very existence. Here is a whistle stop guide to the best shindigs in town.

Le Hotel Jambon

Cock Fighting from 10 pm daily.
Cheeses of the world buffet
The ‘How much Foie Gras can you eat in a minute challenge’ (with your host Charlotte Gainsborough)
Porn Star Speed dating.

Le Exclusive

The Helen Mirren Burlesque show
The yard of Cristal competition (sponsored by Haliburton)
The Exotic Animals banquet (Killer Whale steaks, Deep fried Hippo ears, Tree Frog omelettes)
Monopoly with real money

Le Plage

Sandcastle competitions
Beach Volleyball
Make your own ice-cream
The Billy Bob Thornton band
Shark punching

Le ChâteauNoir

Virgin Sacrifice
Christians Vs Lions Live
Chariot Racing
All you can eat peasants
70’s Disco ( DJ Warren Beatty & MC Haneke)

Mon Dieu

The White Room (Cocaine)
The Blue Room (Crystal Meth)
The Green Room (Weed)
The Red Room (The blood of the innocent)
The Black Room (Classified)