FRANCES MCDORMAND MARRIES SECOND COEN BROTHER

LAS VEGAS – ‘I’ve got the set,’ shouted an inebriated Frances McDormand from the steps of the small Las Vegas wedding chapel where yesterday she married her second Coen Brother, probably Ethan or Joel.

The Oscar winning actress has already been married to one of the Coens, Joel or Ethan since 1984, but decided she would like to have both sometime in 2006.

Hollywood observer Yank Mayhew said:

Bigamy is becoming the new skateboarding in Hollywood circles. Already you have Goldie Hawn married to Kurt Russell, Russell Crowe and Russell Brand. But McDormand has gone for the jackpot, adding a tinge of incest to the brew. 

Sources close to the Coen Brothers camp reported that the siblings were in fact ‘relieved’ because for some time now they had been unable to remember who was married to the Fargo star:

Genuinely confused

 It would be quite funny as a matter of fact, as they squabbled about it once Frances had left the room. When she came back, they waited for her to say something or make a gesture and then would use that as a clue. I’m afraid to say Frances exploited their confusion to basically go home with the one she wanted. 

All of us at Studio Exec would like to wish the happy trio all the best for the future.

Hail Caesar is on general release.

GASPAR NOÉ PREPARES PG-13 CUT OF LOVE

CANNES – Controversial director Gaspar Noé has confirmed that he has prepared a PG-13 cut of Love to be shown in the US.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec on the Croisette the shock director Gaspar Noé said that he believed the core message of the film was so important that he wanted young people to have the opportunity to watch it as well, albeit in a truncated form.

It was very difficult obviously to reduce a film with some quite explicit scenes to something that the MPAA would award a PG-13 certificate to, but we consulted with them and listened to their concerns and we cut accordingly. Even at times perhaps erring on the side of caution.

Noé denied the move was prompted by commercial  necessities which make it very difficult for an R rated movie to make money.

I am an artist and my most important thing is my message. But second to that is having my message heard and understood by as wide an audience as possible. I want to have all the children in the world see my film and join hands and dance around little bonfires. And then we can sit down and discuss the implications. The yogurt quirts and nudity and crass language are not essential to that message.

Love won’t be the first film that has been cut for a wider audience, despite having explicit adult content. The children friendly version of Mary Poppins is now even more famous than the original three hour sex epic.

The 23 minute Love will be released in July.

NEW POSTER FOR SORRENTINO’S YOUTH

CANNES – The Studio Exec is proud to present this EXCLUSIVE first look at Paolo Sorrentino’s new film Youth which sports its international title ‘Old Men Look at Tits’.

Paolo Sorrentino has called his film:

A deep exploration about morality and decay and the understanding of what comes into an old man’s head every time he looks at a young woman’s tits. I am expecting it to blow Mad Max: Fury Road off the Croisette. I will most certainly win two Palme d’Ors for this. Maybe even three.

The film stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel as two old men who decide that instead of looking at two tits at the same time, they are going to split up and one is going to specialize on the left tit and the other is going to concentrate on the right tit. Rachel Weisz plays their arch nemesis who stop them from looking at tits by inventing the bra in 1989.

For all our Cannes coverage keep coming here. 

CANNES DIARY – NANNI MORETTI A MAN!

CANNES – It came as a shock yesterday to discover that acclaimed Italian director Nanni Moretti was actually a man! And with a beard to boot!

We’ve been following Nanni Moretti’s work for years, ever since Emma Thompson first played him in that film. But when he wandered into the Studio Exec Pavilion here on the Croisette we were shocked discovered that instead of being a magical woman who looks after children, he was in fact a man who makes films about himself and stuff.

Moretti told us that it was a problem he had to deal with for years.

It’s typical of sexist English society to think that I must be a woman. Just because my name is Nanni. Whereas in fact it is a very common name for men. Here in Italy.

So what’s the film about Nanni?

The film is called My Mother and is all about the relationship I had with my mother when…

But then why did you call it My Mother?

Well, because it’s about my mother.

Yes. But it’s not about My Mother.

Che cazzo!

You should really have thought about that. I went to see the film called My Mother and I wanted to see a moving portrait of my own mother. That’s what the title led me to believe. But it turned out to be all about some old Italian woman I’ve never met. My mother can’t even speak English let alone Italian.

The pronoun ‘my’ has been used frequently in art and books to refer to the artist’s subject and not the viewer’s or reader’s. It is an elementary part of language. You must be very obtuse to be confused.

I see. Fair enough. Now does directing get in the way of looking after the kids?

Well, the do misbehave sometimes but with my magic bag of tricks I always… Wait a minute. Damn you Exec!

[At which point Mr. Moretti left the interview]

CANNES DIARY – GUS VAN SANT’S SEA OF CRAP

CANNES: Gus Van Sant’s The Sea of Trees might be his most experimental film, a film that seems to be intentionally trying with all its might to be worse than Hereafter.

Gus Van Sant visited the Studio Exec Cannes Pavilion to speak about the film:

I have been a big fan of Clint Eastwood’s ever since I was a boy. I loved his Dollar movies, Bird obviously and Unforgiven. But when I saw Hereafter I couldn’t believe it. Clint had reinvented the crap movie, making one that was boring, morally bankrupt and spiritually tedious. How does he do it? So when I was speaking with Matt Damon we began to wonder if we could make an even worse movie. Matt said it couldn’t be done, Matthew McConaughey got involved and I knew we at least had a chance.

The reviews have been terrible.

You see! Exactly what I was going for. I was leaving nothing to chance though. I personally attended the press screening and started the booing. It was enthusiastically booed I am proud to say.

You booed your own movie?

I am happy to say I was not alone. Hereafter was the touchstone for all of us in crap movies but now Clint, watch out!

In more Cannes news:

Diane Kruger can speak French!

Amy Winehouse is dead!

Club Poulet is chicken sandwich and NOT a brothel as I was led to believe.

Our Cannes coverage is better than anything you’ll ever do, except oral sex.

WOODY ALLEN WEARS TROUSERS TO CANNES

CANNES – Woody Allen’s new film Irrational Man is showing at the Cannes Film Festival, but everyone was talking about the extravagant film director’s outrageous wardrobe.

Known the world over for his witty comedic films, occasional dramas and wonderful repartee, Woody Allen is also known – especially in France – as an iconoclastic dresser who is not afraid of raising eyebrows and shocking the hoi polloi. Well, he’s done it again turning up to the red carpet premiere of his new film wearing a pair of trousers.

‘This time he’s gone too far,’ cried one outraged onlooker. ‘I’ve respected Woody ever since What’s Up Tiger Lilly?, but this time he’s gone too far.’

However, seasoned festival goers noticed that this wasn’t the first time Woody Allen had rocked the Croissette with controversy. Theirry Fremaux told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Woody was here in the Seventies with a film, I forget which, and he wore socks. I know it was the strangest thing I ever saw and I’m a broad minded Frenchman. I mean, socks. Because they were socks no one realized until he bent down to tie a shoelace and there they were. Beige. Socks.

Irrational Man meanwhile is not very good.

 

CANNES DIARY: TOM HARDY WILL NOT RETURN TO NOVEL WRITING

HOLLYWOOD – Victorian novelist, poet and Mad Max Fury Road actor, Tom Hardy today told the press at Cannes that he would not be writing anymore novels.

Tom Hardy was promoting his new film Mad Max Fury Road which is playing out of competition at Cannes:

I enjoyed writing novels. It was very rewarding. Especially Jude the Obscure which I wrote while roaring with laughter all the way through. But the comes a time in a man’s life when he has to understand what he wants to do. I simply don’t have time to be a fantastic actor in big movie franchises and write depressing novels set in Wessex. One of them will have to go. And I’m afraid it’ll be the novels.

The news was greeted with dismay by fans of Thomas Hardy, one of whom – Hardy scholar Ralph Pite said simply: ‘Thomas Hardy is dead’.

In other Cannes news:

Raoul was found dead on the beach this morning.

Charlize Theron has sparkly eyes.

Japanese film An was the most movie film about red bean sauce I’ve ever seen.

Our Cannes coverage can be found everywhere.

FULL CANNES LINE-UP INCLUDES ONLY FILMS FROM 1970S

PARIS – This morning 11 am Paris time, the full line-up for the 68th Cannes Film Festival was announced, which will break with tradition by only featuring films made in the 1970s.

Outgoing president Thierry Frémaux said that usually the film festival shows exclusively new films:

The whole raison d’être of Cannes is to promote world cinema in its current form, but recently we’ve been looking around and it’s pitiful. So we decided in order to ensure ten days of creme de la creme cinema we thought why not use films that we know are good for sure.

The full list contains The Conversation, Chinatown, Deliverance, Taxi Driver, Barry Lyndon, Aguirre Wrath of God, Dog Day Afternoon, Days of Heaven, Le Cercle Rouge, Picnic at Hanging Rock, The Big Bus, Solaris and The Spy Who Loved Me.

Pierre Lescure, the new Cannes president, said that it was an exciting time for Cannes:

We’re really pleased to have such outstanding film-makers such as Stanley Kubrick and Terrence Malick included in this year’s competition. Hopefully one of the famous recluses will make a surprise appearance!

Defending the lack of women directors in the list, Lescure shrugged and blew air through his lips.

C’est la vie! It was the seventies.

Cannes will take place from the 13th to the 24th of May, 2015.