FLUFFER’S POSTCARDS FROM CANNES. PART 2.

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

Dear Debbie Reynolds,

Just back from the premiere of The Great Gatsby, and you’ll never guess who was in it: dear little Leo DiCaprio! Can’t remember what part he played and if truth be told it dragged on a little. I fell asleep before the bit where the boat sinks. Got back to the hotel and found out that some bugger had pinched my cuff links! Tell Carrie I’ve got her Duty Free, she can pay me when I get back.

Lots of love,

Edwin
 
 


 
Dear Gerard Depardieu,

Gerry! I asked the waiter at the Gilded Cheese if you’d been in lately and he tells me you’ve chipped off to Moscow. Bloody cold I’d imagine. The sun’s out here in Cannes, and a lot of the old crowd are meeting up for drinks later. Won’t be the same without you darling, but at least it’ll give the local gendarmerie the night off. I told you they weren’t really sisters didn’t I?

Cheers!

Edwin
 


  
Dear Gene Hackman,

We’re missing you at Cannes this year, Gene old pal. Bloody Stevie Spielberg keeps trying to catch my eye because he still wants us to do the My Own Private Idaho sequel. He’s giving me all the ‘people want to see how the characters have grown’ nonsense, but I’m not falling for that again, and neither should you. I said to give Harvey Keitel a ring, he’ll whip it out for anyone.
Ask Clint if he can pop ‘round to see if I’ve got any mail.

Chin chin,

Edwin
 


  
 
Dear Jack Nicholson,

Having a lovely time at Cannes this year Jacky: the Mayor says all is forgiven and we’re both welcome back any time, so that’s good news. ‘Eau under the pont’ as I told him, but I’m on best behaviour just in case. We don’t want Interpol getting snooty again. I’ve found what room Jerry Lewis is staying in, so guess who’s getting my bar bill!

Ever yours,

Edwin

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER’S POSTCARD FROM CANNES (PART ONE)

 HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

 Dear Kirk Douglas,

Call off the search, I’ve arrived safe and sound! 

There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the airport because I couldn’t find my passport, but we finally discovered it in with Steve Martin’s banjo. Had a panic on the plane when they said we were flying to France, but it turns out that’s where Cannes is. It just goes to show, you’re never too old to learn!

Love to Mike and Cathy,

Edwin

JIM JARMUSCH SIGNS ON FOR FAST AND FURIOUS 8

NEW YORK – With a the shriek of engines and the stink of testosterone mixed with engine oil, Fast and Furious 7 has no sooner roared into view than the distant thunder of the revving motors of Fast and Furious 8 can be heard in the distance as Jim Jarmusch is recruited as director.

The cult New York cineaste of Ghost Dog, Dead Man, Down by Law and  Only Loves Left Alive is well known for his laconic sense of humour and slow meditative paced masterpieces like Down By Law and Mystery Train, the shock haired auteur is at first glance a strange fit for the brain dead adrenalin grease monkey high opera of the Fast and Furious franchise. However, Jarmusch told the Studio Exec that he had been talking about directing a Fast and Furious film for years:

I’ve always wanted to… you know … do a film like … a fast you know and … furious kinda … I don’t know if it was Kierkegaard or Lou Reed who said that a nightmare is just a private fantasy but life can be confusing at times and well… What was the question?

What changes do you envisage making to the franchise?

None, absolutely none. I mean, I don’t see the point in doing a bunch of car chases. I mean that part will go. But these characters, they probably are going to spend a lot of time sitting around waiting and being laconically droll, so we should do that. And all the stuff about criminals and double crossing, that’s going to go too.

Oh!

And the title. I mean Fast and Furious? I think Slow and Droll will be better. Then we don’t need the seven any more.

Right but people like the action. I mean isn’t that the point.

Yeah, that’s a point. I suppose. But you know, what about something new. I mean why not a film all about people drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. When are we going to see that? Huh?

2003.

What?

Coffee and Cigarettes was made in 2003. People just sit round, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.

That sounds brilliant. I’ve got to see that.

You made it.

Very possibly. The early noughts are a bit hazy.

Fast and Furious 8 is due to begin filming sometime you know… whenever.

SCIENTISTS WARN ‘ORLANDO BLOOM COULD RETURN’

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was put on high alert last night as scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency warned that a return of Orlando Bloom was imminent. ‘We have been looking at a broad range of indicators including the screening guide of the 66th Cannes Film Festival and we have raised the Bloom alert to Code Red,’ said Dr. Yannater Silk of the EPA.

The effects of a return of Orlando Bloom are uncertain but some believe the worst case scenario could include food shortages and mass migration. Paul Rudd – a spokesman for the anti-Bloom pressure group Blando – said:

It has been two whole years since we had an Orlando Bloom film in the theatres and even then that was only a bit part in The Three Musketeers. The effect of a sudden return of Bloom could actually cause a kind of mental implosion. If that were to set off a chain reaction, the Earth’s crust could be compromised followed by the possibility of the destruction of all life on this planet. Or it could just be an unconvincingly wooden performance. One of the two.

Others, however, criticised such remarks as scaremongering. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said:

I for one welcome Orlando Bloom back to our screens, especially if he plays an Elf. Or as the less interesting part of a Johnny Depp film. What I would object to and I believe we should all guard against is a repeat of that Elizabethtown bullshit.    

Orlando Bloom’s new film Zulu  will premier as the closing film of the Cannes Film Festival. Whether it spreads or not is yet to be seen, but the EPA is adamant that using nuclear weapons against the Croissette – as an extreme containment measure – has not been ruled out.

CANNES DIARY: THE END

CANNES – So the Cannes jury have spoken. After seven minutes of deliberation, followed by sixteen hours of Twister to kill the time before the announcement, Steven Spielberg revealed that the winner was La Vie di Adéle, or to give it its English title Blue is the Warmest Color.
This is a deserving victory. This is the kind of film that makes you believe in the possibility of cinema, changing your life and the world you live in. And there’s a ten minute lesbian sex scene.

The lass from The Artist has learnt to speak and the effect was a best actress nod for The Past. Bruce Dern won the longevity prize and Amat Escalante won a prize for best penis being set on fire scene in the devastating Heli. The Coens had to make do with the runner’s up prize, but they’re still very happy that Frances McDormand has now married both of them.

CANNES DIARY: DAY 6

Michael Douglas today

CANNES – Everything is going wrong. First of all the sun starts shining. Then Steven Soderbergh makes a film accusing Liberace of homosexuality. Finally I have to spend all afternoon listening to a bunch of assholes pitch story ideas.

Here’s a sample.

  • a mash up of The Titanic and The Shining called the Shite-anic.
  • A white house is attacked by terrorists who believe it is the White House. Called Olympus F*cked Up
  • A sequel to Movie 43 to be called Movie 86.
  • Justin Timberlake gets captured by Armenian terrorists and punched in the face ever three minutes for a week. That wasn’t a movie pitch, so much as an idea I had.
I swear to God someone needs to come to the South of France and rescue me. If I hear a sentence that begins ‘There are these zombies …’ I swear to Kubrick I’ll kick someone right in the ganglies.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 6


CANNES – The traditional Lars Von Trier hunt took place today. It started quite early this morning with festival organisers warning that the Danish director could be wearing multiple supplies and was being assisted by Leos Carax who had been spotted driving a derivative limousine.

Spottings were being reported throughout the afternoon but they all turned out to be false alarms. Finally, at Happy Hour in the Estonian pavilion – scheduled daily from 5.15 to 5.17 – Von Trier was caught by Alexander Payne as the comedy director of Dogsville wept into a small plastic beaker.

It was thought that he was going to sell his tears as a cure to leprosy to some sub-equatorial African nation, famous for its imaginative breaches in human rights.

Tonight outside the Majestic hotel, Mr. Von Trier will be ceremoniously burnt in a huge wicker Nazi, in what has become a highlight of the festival since 2011.

CANNES SHOCKER: RYAN GOSLING’S NIPPLE SLIP










CANNES – Housewives favourite and Hollywood rebel Ryan Gosling stunned Cannes film festival goers yesterday when he accidentally exposed his nipples on Martinez Beach.

I was lying on the beach reading a Stephen King novel when suddenly, from the corner of my eye I saw a nipple shaped object coming towards me, said retired Estate Agent Rose Addison.

At first I thought I’d had one too many Mojitos but then other people on the beach began screaming and running off the beach. It was like a scene from Jaws or something.

The authorities were quickly notified and police inspector Pierre Roux was the first on the scene.

When I arrived I had no idea who the nipples belonged to but after questioning some of the terrified tourists it became clear that a Mr Ryan Gosling was the number one suspect.

A SWAT team was immediately dispatched to Gosling’s hotel room but after breaking down the door and firing several cannisters of tear gas, it soon became clear that Gosling had already fled.

We are currently unaware of Mr Gosling’s whereabouts, said Inspector Roux. He is expected to be at the première of Only God Forgivesand if so we plan to arrest him on the red carpet but if any member of the public spots him, we encourage them to keep their distance and contact the police.

The Studio Exec contacted Gosling’s agent Rita Rock to discuss the incident and she was outraged by the reaction to her clients alleged nipple exposure.

Ryan is a role model to children throughout the world and there is no way he would purposefully reveal his nipples in a public place, said an angry Rock

Asked whether Gosling was encouraged to expose himself in order to promote his new film, Rock exploded.

Nobody at my office would ask him to do that. We’re a respectable agency not William f*cking Morris!


Only God Forgives will première at Cannes on May 22nd.


LARS VON TRIER SPOTTED AT CANNES


CANNES – Danish Jew/Nazi/comedy film director Lars Von Trier has been spotted on the Croisette at the Cannes international film director. The incident occurred when Mr. Von Trier wearing a heavy disguise ran up to Steven Spielberg and pulled his beard, then he ran off laughing.


Von Trier was declared Persona Non Grata at the festival two years ago following comments of a vaguely silly nature. After everyone had looked up persona non grata in their Latin dictionaries, the Danish laugh merchant was asked to leave. But apparently he has now returned.

Festival authorities are offering a reward of 5600 euros for each nut of Von Trier’s handed in and authenticated. The hunt has begun in earnest outside the Carlton hotel and along the beach front.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 5

plotting mayhem

CANNES – You remember in War of the Worlds where there’s a massive noise of mass destruction and they go out the next day and a massive airliner has crashed on their house? Yeah? Well, that’s like waking up after a party with Joel and Ethan Coen. And that Carey Mulligan looks like butter couldn’t melt in her mouth? Well, let me tell you it can. I mean I literally saw butter melt in her mouth last night, but I can’t possibly tell you the rest of the story. Or maybe I can.


Those literary guys are some sick f*cks. If they’re not quoting Jean Genet, they’re saying things like au contraire to each other. These are the guys who claim that Finnegan’s Wake was hilarious. They’re new film’s a blast though. A real return to form after that John Waynebull crap. And they know it.
To see them walking down the Croisette at four o’clock this morning smashing shop windows with special hammers they always take with them, was enough to make the most grizzled gendarme smile and blush like a little girl.
Before reaching for his mace.



CANNES DIARY: DAY 3

CANNES – You might think that life at Cannes is all champagne, glittering parties and sex with beautiful people, but you’re wrong; there’s a hell of a lot of cocaine as well. Speaking of cocaine, The Bling Ring gives you all the pleasure of sitting and watching people on cocaine talk and sing and take photographs of themselves, which – as everyone knows – is almost as good as taking the drug itself (I’m being f*cking sarcastic).


I got the opportunity to talk to Paris Hilton and I asked her how come she’s so happy for everyone to thinking she’s f*cking stupid and she said about quarter to nine. I don’t know. It was loud I suppose.

Yesterday was also the turn of Francois Ozon, a French film director who makes French films about French girls with not many clothes on. Ooh la la! He’s witty and what not, but he’s an asshole. He wore a totally unnecessary scarf and kept sniffing all the time as if I was the one who reeked of Eau di Toilet. 

Everyone went crazy last night for Emma Watson, which is all right I suppose, after all, she was in that film for children.