EDIBLE BURT REYNOLDS GO ON SALE

HOLLYWOOD – Edible Burt Reynolds is the tasty healthy snack that you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite.

If anything you’ll be hungrier than ever. Available from all good food stores, Edible Burt Reynolds are a delicious alternative to all those tasteless Gwyneth Paltrows and bland Eddie Redmaynes you’ve been eating. Made of the finest ingredients. Hand picked by underpaid and exploited immigrants. Mixed and prepared by overpaid and morally ambiguous food technicians and endorsed by celebrity chefs like Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey who only read the part of their contract with numbers in them.

Edible Burt Reynolds is perfect for the businessman in a hurry. The student in the library or the squash player covered in a sheen of well earned body juice. Whether you’re a black lady digging up holes in roads or old Asian grandmothers popping balloons at children’s parties, get Burt Reynolds into the front of your face beneath your nose and feel your whole body pull him into your digestive tract with a burpy sigh of gratitude.

And can be perfectly accompanied by Ryan Gosling’s own Vegetables.

Edible Burt Reynolds.

When Hunger calls, Burt answers! 

CANNONBALL RUN TO BE REMADE BECAUSE SOMEONE ON TWITTER SUGGESTED IT

HOLLYWOOD – Cannonball Run will be remade following a question on twitter.

Someone on Twitter today wondered if there was a remake of Cannonball Run on the cards and within minutes the idea was green lit. The Studio Exec was casually trolling through Twitter looking for more reasons to hate himself and his country when he came across the following tweet. 

No sooner had he read it than he was on a conference call with Burt Reynolds and the Dom Deluise estate. Rights secured, it was a matter of seconds before the talents of Ryan Reynolds and Kevin James were enlisted and the matter placed in the safe hands of director Michael Haneke.

The Cannonball Run will be released in 2018.

QUENTIN TARANTINO’S TOP FIVE HERBIE MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino is not only a screenwriter, director and actor, he’s also an inveterate list maker.

Following his now famous top ten lists and compilations, the Studio Exec is delighted to bring you Quentin Tarantino’s top 5 Herbie films, featuring the loveable VW bug.

1. Herbie Goes Bananas: “Although a late addition to the franchise – released in 1980 – Herbie Goes to Bananas for me stands above everything. The reason is simple. It’s political. A Marxist deconstruction of the US’s involvement in South America, as portrayed by John Vernon and Alex Rocco’s thieves. Liberalism’s inept attempts to co-opt the workers power into the state is shown in Captain Blythe’s (Harvey Corman) execution of Herbie. The agricultural workers as represented by Paco in an alliance with Herbie overthrow the combined powers of the repressive state apparatus and a new future feels assured.”

2. The Love Bug: “The first time the racing Beetle “Herbie” appears on the screen is the 1968 comedy The Love Bug. This is that most unusual of films, a counter-cultural children’s movie. The Beetle was actually a late addition to the film, with no particular make of car specified at the script stage. An audition was held with lots of other makes of car vying for the role, but it was the VW that got the part, some cynics contending because of its lax German morals. The film was remade in 1997 as a TV movie.”

3. Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo: “The third film in the series but the first to be directed by Vincent McEveety, HGMC is a cross country race film which later was remade as The Cannonball Run. Apparently Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo was Burt Reynolds’ favorite film of all time and he ordered the writers of his 1980 film to study the movie and use it as their bible.”

4. Herbie Rides Again: “Following the triumph of the Love Bug the idea of making a sequel seemed obvious. But these were sad days. Walt Disney had worked closely with English director Robert Stevenson on the original film, as his last live action movie. Stevenson returned to Herbie for the follow up but the production was so difficult because of Herbie’s increased drug intake that the director swore he’d never work with him again.”

5. Herbie: Fully Loaded: “Many believed that Herbie was far too old to make a comeback and the youth who made up such a large part of his audience had now moved on to bigger flashier stars. However, inspired by the resurgence of his friend Sylvester Stallone’s career, Herbie cleaned up, went into rehab and produced some of his best work. For the first time in his four decade career, Herbie was finally sober and producing some of his finest work. Unfortunately, co-star Lindsay Lohan and Herbie had a brief affair following the production and there began a torrid drug fuelled affair which continues to this day.”

For more FACTS click HERE.

FLUFFER THE HIRSUTE

As one gets older it’s perhaps inevitable to lament that things ‘weren’t like that when I was young’. I know that times change, even if Nicole Kidman’s facial expression doesn’t, but what I miss most about the good old days is the lack of really hairy actors. 

Burt Reynolds was good in his day, Robin Williams tries his best, but it’s a dying art. 
 
I remember when the studios used to hold a competition each year to decide which actor was the hairiest, and even if Claudette Colbert hadn’t been disqualified for cheating it was almost inevitable that dear Yul Brynner would win the prize. The tragedy was that although Yul was really quite unbelievably hairy, he was always typecast as a bald man. Some would accuse him of ploughing a narrow furrow, but he did find some variety in the parts he was offered. 
 
There was bald cowboy in The Magnificent Seven, bald king in The King and I, bald robot in Westworld. It was just a shame that audiences never got to enjoy the full splendor of his flowing locks. He could spend hours washing his hair and even longer combing it. If you didn’t know what to get him for Christmas, a hair brush was always gratefully received as he could wear out three or four in a single week. 
 
I still remember sitting next to him in make up as he prepared for his role in The Sound and the Fury. His assistant had just finished carefully fitting his bald skull cap when the director told him that the part he was playing would require him to have a full head of hair! He didn’t have time to take the skull cap off and comb his own hair, so he just grabbed the nearest toupee, stuck it on his head, and ran onto the set! 
 
John Wayne was furious as he was going to use it in Rio Bravoand had to wear a hat instead. Johnny had no right to get quite so angry as what we didn’t know at the time was that he was wearing one of Ann Miller’s bras under his shirt. But that’s another story…
 
Please follow @SirEdwinFluffer on Twitter as he’s far too polite to ask.

THE JACK NICHOLSON COOKBOOK 4 – Hamburgers

Jack Nicholson












Hi! I’m Jack Nicholson,

People often say to me – Jack, they say. You’ve spent fifty years at the top of the film industry, to some you’re a legend, to others, a God, but say that you were never blessed with ridiculous talent, roguish good looks and unfathomable sexual prowess. What would you have done with your life?


Well, I’ll tell you folks. Back when I was kid, all I ever wanted to be was an astronaut. I’d spend every night laying on my back staring up at the stars thinking about how many women I’d get if I was the captain of a rocket ship. The only reason I never applied to NASA was the whole space thing. I didn’t care for it and when I heard the rocket didn’t have a bar and you couldn’t smoke, well let’s just say old Jacky decided to get high using more traditional methods.

Years later I did get to play an astronaut in a little movie called Terms of Endearment. The role was originally written for Burt Reynolds but he turned it down to make The Man who Loved Women which went belly up at the box office. After I collected my Oscar for best supporting actor, I sent Burt a fruit basket and a Polaroid picture of myself and his then girlfriend Sally Field relaxing together in a hot tub. I love Sally, she’s a great actress and deceptively limber.

You know, there is nothing more American than a good old fashioned Hamburger and along with Coca Cola, Democracy and Weapons of Mass Destruction, the humble burger is one of our most successful exports. There are many ways to prepare the dish but my method is the quickest, the easiest and here’s how you do it:
  1. Buy a Cow
  2. Buy a Chainsaw
  3. Formally introduce the chainsaw to the cow.
  4. Let nature take it’s course.
There you go. A succulent, tasty burger done the Nicholson way. As for condiments, only pigs and peasants soil their meat patties with ketchup but if you are one of those cats who can’t resist smearing the sauce, I feel sorry for you and hope that you teach your children to have a bit more class.

Join me next time when I’ll be revealing my old buddy Marlon Brando’s recipe for the perfect deep fried gateau.

Sayonara

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 4

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual mustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.

March, 1984 

Blake Edwards comes over with a script called The Kansas City Laugh-a-thon, a bootleg comedy, he says. Would I be interested? I ask the question I always ask, mustache or no mustache? Definitely mustache, says Blake. okay, I say. But we’re going to have to change that title. 

April, 1984

Blake is over at the house again. I have a day of Cannonball Run 2 and Dom DeLuise has come over to hang out. The script is now called The Kansas City Hooo Haaaa. I’m still not sure about it. Who’s the second lead? I asked. Dom sat upright so quick he pulled a muscle. Roger Moore, says Blake. Dom practically whizzed around the room like a let go party balloon.

September, 1984

Filming begins on what we’re now calling Kansas City Heat Giggle Machine. Blake is a very hands on director, by which I mean he keeps touching me. He let me decide on a co-star and I picked my old pal Clint Eastwood. He can’t do comedy to save his life so I think I’ll be okay. Looking forward to filming the bar fight today. 

October, 1984 

Blake had to go. It was the titles. They were getting embarrassing. Clint stepped in and got Robert Benjamin hired. He also changed the titles. And he broke my jaw when he me in the face with a bar stool during the very first scene. I’ve been eating through a straw and I’ve lost of ton of weight. Everyone thinks I’ve got Aids. 

December, 1984

City Heat looks like it’s going to be a flop. What could possibly have gone wrong? We had a great story, me, Clint Eastwood, a good title. Luckily, the Cannonball Run 2 will pay the bills. Maybe was could do a trilogy!  

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 3

Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual moustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.


October, 1980

I don’t know what is it about the onset of Autumn but my spirits definitely take a dip. I went for a moustache trim and even Elmore detected a slight droop. Luckily, Hal comes round with a script. I say script, it’s really a collection of napkins and beet mats. The Cannonball Run it’s called. I phone the costumers and they bring round their best Napoleonic uniform.

November, 1980
Turns out I should have paid more attention to Hal when he was talking. It’s going to be a Smokey and the Bandit kind of deal. Well, that worked so why not? There’s a role for Dom DeLuise and Roger Moore (?) I know.

February, 1981

Shooting seems to be going well. Except for the usual rough and tumble. Dom seems confused about his character. He keeps turning up dressed as ‘Captain Chaos’, but Hal just falls about laughing and tells me to go with it. 

March, 1981

We finished filming a week ago. But Hal says he still needs the blooper reel. Unbelievable. We have to make mistakes on purpose and crack up and everything. He’ll put it at the end of the film. It is by far the hardest part of the shoot. Dom is as a funny as a baby’s grave.   

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 2

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has laid his grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual mustachio wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.

The Burt Reynolds diaries continue:

April, 1976
Hal comes round with a script. Smokey and the Bandit. Who am I? I ask. The Bandit of course, he tells me. I tentatively agree. I should start growing my mustache and I ought to watch Viva Zapata!

26th June, 1976
My Mexican accent it eeess porfect!!! The mustache is looking chubby and I’ve been on the sun bed every day this week and then Hal comes round and says what are you doing? Didn’t you read the script? It’s got nothing to do with Mexican revolutionaries and gringos. It’s about beer smuggling!?

March, 1977
At last we begin filming and it looks like it’s going to be fun. Only problem is Jackie Gleason isn’t sticking to the script. Keeps just making stuff up. I say to Hal, ‘He’s just making that stuff up.’
‘He’s “improvising”,’ he tells me.
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘It’s irritating me as well, that’s why I’m telling you.’

15th March, 1977 
Sally’s doing well as Frog. She said the script is shit but she’ll do it for love. I’m crazy about that gal, though she will keep talking about her dream to one day play Mrs Lincoln. Poor deluded ditz.

19th May, 1977
New York for the premiere of Smokey. Everyone seems to be happy with the film and we think we have a hit on our hands. I’m happy for Hal, who everyone thought was just a dumb lunkhead and now he’s shown them. The film’s going to open wide next week. There’s not much competition out there. Some kids film called Star War.

THE BURT REYNOLDS DIARIES: 1

HOLLYWOOD – Studio Exec has laid its grubby hands on the unpublished dairies of actor and heterosexual moustache wearer Burt Reynolds and we are going to publish and be damned.

 February 1971
Johnny Boorman comes over: wants to make a film of the James Dickey book.- ‘I want you to a grow a moustache,’ says Johnny. I tell him I ain’t a homo and that’s the end of that conversation.


March 1971
We’re shooting this Summer. The cast is beginning to take shape. Jon Voight is coming round and we’re going to bond as men. I’ve been practising my archery. I keep looking at my upper lip. It does look  kinda bare.

12 May 1971

Johnny Boorman is winding up Dickey, who’s an asshole by the way. Keeps telling him he wants to film the novel as a musical. He shoots this scenes with banjos and Dickey goes ape shit and starts yelling, punches Johnny in the face. Poor bastard has to get some serious dental work. ‘I was only kidding,’ Johnny tells me. ‘But now that fuckers going in the movie.’

17 May 1971
I keep winding Jon Voigt up. He’s just become a dad and he brings little Angelina on the set. I tell him she’s gonna break hearts and he looks at her, ‘What? This ugly little pug dog?’ I swear to God she’s the ugliest baby I ever saw.

21 May 1971
I gotta say first off, rape is never a subject for jokes. Ever. But Ned Beatty getting raped. We were howling. These hill-billies Johnny is using – they’re the real thing. Johnny says okay ‘one last one, make it real.’ And they start in on poor Ned, making him squeal like a pig and all that and he’s squealing and they’re going at it, but I guess they don’t what acting really is, cause one of them just gets it out and sticks it in, as quick as greased lightning. Well, Ned’s screaming cut and we’re falling around laughing. I loose off an arrow and hit James Dickey in the throat. I know for damned sure that’s the take that Johnny’s gonna use.