BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY ALTERED SIGNIFICANTLY FOR CHINA

BEIJING – Bryan Singer’s Bohemian Rhapsody gets a do over for its Chinese release.

Oscar winning Freddie Mercury biopic Bohemian Rhapsody starring Rami Malik will look quite different for Chinese audiences. Some of the edits have taken place in order to play down elements of Mercury’s life but the synopsis released today suggests a radical new version of the film.

Freddie Mercury rises to fame with popular rock and roll band KING! Watch as he sings some of his most famous songs FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS and KILLER KING and WE WILL (HETEROSEXUALLY) ROCK YOU. Freddie and the fellow creative geniuses of the band storm the charts. Tragically, Freddie catches a cold after having stood in the rain talking to his friend who he has become disappointed in. Luckily, Freddie has time to reunite with his family who were angry at him because of his habit of eating too much cheese when at a buffet and other people might have wanted cheese. The film ends with an IMPERIALIST CONCERT called LIVE AID, in which plays to a stadium crowd. Later he catches a cold and dies of tiredness.

Asked about changes to the film, director Bryan Singer was unavailable for comment.

Bohemian Rhapsody comes out in China tomorrow.

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

GUESS WHO’S REPLACING BRYAN SINGER DIRECTING QUEEN MOVIE?

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer will replaces Bryan Singer as the director of Queen movie Bohemian Rhapsody.

Once Bryan Singer departed Bohemian Rhapsody everyone knew what was coming. No sooner had Christopher Plummer finished filming his Kevin Spacey replacement scenes for Ridley Scott than he received a telephone call from someone calling themselves Mr. Robot:

A voice asked me if I would direct a film? Could I direct a film? I thought this very unusual, but I answered I’ve seen it done enough times. I think I should manage. Next thing I knew someone delivered a script to my door as well as a bunch of musicians.

No one has explained the mystery surrounding Singer’s removal. There were reports of a family illness. But also of disruptive behavior on the set, with a worsening relationship with his lead Rami Malek, who stars as Freddie Mercury. That latter hypothesis seems implausible given the asymmetric status of the two.

Adding more confusion is the fact that rumors linking Singer to child abuse claims have seen many assuming he would be joining the lengthening list of Hollywood disgrace. Plummer’s appointment indicates this might be the case.

We asked Christopher if he was aware of Queen.

I will admit that at first I said yes because I’ve always wanted to work with Helen Mirren.

Bohmeian Rhapsody will be released in 2019.

CHRISTIAN SLATER TO PLAY FREDDIE MERCURY’S IMAGINARY FATHER

HOLLYWOOD – Christian Slater has signed on to play Freddie Mercury’s imaginary father in a biopic of the Queen lead singer.

Hot on the heels of the news that Remi Malek is to play Freddie Mercury in the new biopic of the Queen frontman came another bombshell. His Mr. Robot co-star Christian Slater has signed on to play the singers ‘father’.

Christian spoke to the Studio Exec:

This is a great opportunity. Bryan Singer is a great director and as soon as I heard Remi was hired, I knew they’d want the set. I’m a huge fan of Queen. Of course. Freddie Mercury’s upbringing in Zanzibar and India was really interesting. His background as a Parsi is fascinating. And for years he was under the influence of a man he only knew of as Mr. Queen. Freddie was the only person who could see him. It was only later that it turned out that this was his father. His long dead father. A psychotic projection.

But that didn’t happen. His father survived him. 

Ah! That’s what you think.

Queen will be released in 2018.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS PREQUEL GETS A TITLE: SOZE RISING

HOLLYWOOD – Bryan Singer has confirmed that he will be directing a prequel to his break through hit The Usual Suspects, provisionally entitled Soze.

Christopher McQuarrie today admitted he has finished the first draft of a prequel to The Usual Suspects and Bryan Singer is signed up to direct. Soze Rises will tell the story of master criminal, arch-villain and manipulator as a young man.

We want to see how Kayser Soze becomes Kayser Soze. Originally the idea was that perhaps Verbal had invented the story the way he had invented almost everything else. But then we began to wonder about what if Kayser was real and the Verbal was Kayser and what would happen. So first I wrote about him and what happened to his family. How he killed his family first and then went after all his enemies, but then we decided to go back even further. We’re gonna see the beginning of the career of a sociopath, a modern day Moriarty. And we’re gonna see him in school.

Kevin Spacey has agreed to play a cameo and there is a chance that other cast members might have their own prequel movies.

McQuarrie continued:

Benicio Del Toro and Gabriel Byrne have both been on the phone asking me if they will get prequels too. But we made that film over twenty years ago. The nature of the prequel would be that they would have to be younger and not older. Having said that, I would love to go back and see where those characters came from. What made them get to the stage that they are at when The Usual Suspects begins.

Soze Rises will be released in 2018.

FREE HATS TO BE GIVEN AWAY WITH X-MEN: APOCALYPSE

HOLLYWOOD – Free hats are to be given away at cinemas showing X-Men: Apocalypse, Bryan Singer revealed today.

X-Men: Apocalypse director Bryan Singer revealed that everyone who goes to see his new film X-Men: Apocalypse will be given a free hat. Bryan Singer was speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec following the release of the trailer for the new installment which will star James McAvoy, Nicholas Hoult, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Sophie Turner and Michael Fassbender as Magneto!

It is really hard for us right now. The Avengers are really out there kicking our asses and then there’s Star Wars and all the spin offs from that to contend with.  There are all these gimmicks as well. IMAX, 3D, IMAX 3D, so I was thinking how can I make the X-Men relevant once more? How can I make it so people want to come and see our movie and not some other movie? And the answer came to me in a dream. Give away free hats.

With every ticket?

Yes, absolutely with every ticket. Once you get your ticket, you get the free hat. I’ve designed them personally. They’ll be top hats and they’ll have writing across them. One will say ‘I went to see the X-Men: Apocalypse and Loved It’ and the other will say ‘The X-Men Rock (Not As Much As The Avengers, But Still)’. The idea is that people will go and see our film and when they come out wearing their hats, it’ll be advertising for our movie. Isn’t that wonderful?

And these are top hats?

Yes.

Well, won’t they block the view? I mean if everyone gets a top hat and puts it on during the film, the people behind won’t be able to see.

The don’t have to… why would they…

You could have bowler hats.

We’ve already bought the top hats. We’ve already made them. Hundreds of thousands of top hats. Half of them saying ‘I went to see the X-Men: Apocalypse and Loved It’ and the other half saying ‘The X-Men Rock (Not As Much As The Avengers, But Still)’.

Didn’t that cost a lot of money?

Half our budget.

This is a really…

Shut up.

X-Men: Apocalypse will be released on May 26th, 2016.

CAREY MULLIGAN TO PLAY WOLVERINE

HOLLYWOOD – News from the X-Men universe has it that Carey Mulligan is to play the new Wolverine in X-Men: Apocalypse.

The 30 year old actress famed for her roles in An Education, Drive and The Great Gatsby will be taking over from Hugh Jackman, who has played James Howlett AKA Rogan AKA Wolverine for fifteen years, including 5 X-Men films and two stand alone Wolverine movies. A third Wolverine movie due out in 2017 and was rumored to be Jackman’s last appearance in the role but it looks now as if Carey Mulligan will be taking over.

A spokesperson for Fox told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It is a sad fact that Hugh Jackman following a whole bunch of films – seven in total – will finally be hanging up his titanium claws, but we’re really excited to have found a replacement who will bring Wolverine to a whole new audience. Carey has that fresh faced exuberance and that lovely shy vulnerability that is there in the comic books and that Hugh, despite all his best efforts, singularly failed to bring to the screen.

Fox is hoping to change several of the main characters in a bid to compete with Marvel’s Avengers series and casting rumors have been rife. Ariana Grande is currently in talks to play a new version of Professor Xavier and Miley Cyrus looks like a possible Nightcrawler.

Mulligan herself said that she was ‘excited by the opportunity but also a little nervous of having to go up against Hugh’s super portrayal.’ She has already begun smoking cigars to prepare for the role and is due to have the surgery which will see her adamantium skeleton implanted.

How does she feel about having six inch razor sharp claws protruding from her knuckles?

‘Well, I’ll never be lost for a pair of scissors again!’ says the delightful Mulligan.

X-Men Apocalypse will be released in 2016 and Wolverine: Donkey Heaven will be out the following year. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 23. BRYAN SINGER

MALIBU – Apt Pupil and X-Men director, Bryan Singer limps into the sun-drenched brunch bar with a weary expression and slumps down to a bowl of handcrafted Cheerios. He eyes me and then the wall behind me and then he says ‘Coffee!’

So Bryan, you recently came out with the news that you would be directing X-Men Apocalypse after X-Men: Days of Future Past. How do the films relate?

Back when I was picking beans in Guatamala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I’m in a brunch bar. 

You don’t like the coffee?

I’ll probably shit blood tonight.

Why don’t you drink some juice? Or water?

Maybe. I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, all thick and gooey.

Jesus Christ!

I know, I know.

So the X-Men…?

You’re tense, Chad. You know tension is a killer. I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. There was this baritone whose name was Kip Diskin. Big fat guy. I mean, like orca fat. 

How do you feel about the success of Man of Steel after the failure of Superman Returns?

Zach Snyder… The man… He becomes a myth. A spook story directors tell their children at night. ‘Mess with my  lenses and Zach Snyder will get you.’ 

What about your work on House? Do you have plans for other TV shows? Do you see yourself more as Bryan Singer the film director, or Bryan Singer the show runner?

Who is Bryan Singer? He’s supposed to be Turkish. Some say my father was German. Nobody believes I’m real. Nobody sees me or works directly for me. You never knew. That is my power.

Now you’re going to tell me the greatest trick…

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled…

Was convincing the world…

He never existed.

Right.

That your car  out front?

Yeah.

Hand me the motherfucking keys, cocksucker!

And with that (pffff!) he was gone.  

For more Breakfast With Assholes click HERE.

EDWARD NORTON INVENTS HIS OWN CHEESE

Shhh, or they’ll all want some

DENVER – Enormously talented film and motion picture actor, Edward Norton has long had a reputation for eccentricity, but yesterday he announced that he was as normal as the next man and to prove it unveiled a new cheese he had invented: Chedward Nortshire.

‘I was sitting in my private jet waiting to get clearance to take off and fly to Hawaii and I thought to myself, I just want to give something back to the ordinary people,’ said the Birdman25th Hour and Red Dragon star. ‘But what? And then it came to me. They like cheese.’

Of course my first worry was mice. I mean what if the cheese was so nice that the mice wouldn’t be able to resist. They’d be all over the cheese, and people would buy cats or try to kill the mice and although understandable that would NOT be cool. But then cheese and mouse  expert Bryan Singer told me that the idea that mice go crazy about cheese was actually a racist myth. 

 Our resident cheese taster Xavier Poulis had a slice of Chedward and gave his verdict:

Stings the mouth. Holds. Still there. Gummy glue feeling about the teeth. Tacky. Yes gone. 

Coincidentally these were the exact words Roger Ebert used in his review of Edward Norton’s performance in the Italian Job remake.

FOX AND FOXX TO STAR IN ‘CRAZY LIKE A FOX’ FOR 20TH CENTURY FOX.















Michael J Fox and Jamie Foxx will play a Father and Son detective duo in Bryan Singer’s remake of 80’s TV series Crazy like a Fox.


Nobody remembers the damn show,” said a despairing Singer.

We’ve got two actors of different races playing father and son. Five writers, one of whom could only speak Korean, have worked on the script. Our hundred million dollar budget has been reduced to 20 million. My cinematographer has just gone on sick to have a sex change operation and I’ve just been informed the release date has been brought forward. To be honest I’m thinking about jumping on a plane to Peru and never coming back.”

Singer was forced into directing the film by the studio in order to fulfil his contract and the picture has been beset with problems from the get go.

I had George Clooney and Channing Tatum in the lead roles but they pulled out. Then I had the ethnic diversity association on my back claiming I cast too many white people in my films. Now I’ve got the national mental heath board calling me saying I can’t use the word ‘Crazy’ in the title because it’s insulting to people with mental health issues. I mean that was the name of the f*cking show what the hell am I supposed to call it. Emotionally unstable like a Fox, Intellectually challenged like a Fox!?’

We asked 20th Century Fox why the are so keen on making a film about such an obscure series and their spokesperson Randy Feltch gave us the low down.

Basically it was the bosses’ mother’s favourite show and he promised her on her deathbed that he’d make a full length feature in her honour. His Dad’s favourite was ‘Street Hawk’ and David Fincher will be directing that next year.”


BRYAN SINGER MOVES INTO MATTHEW VAUGHN’S HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Having taken over the director’s chair of X-Men: Another Title, Bryan Singer has also moved into Matthew Vaughn’s Hollywood home. ‘He just turned up and started putting up his posters and unpacking his things,’ said Simon Garcia, Mr. Vaughn’s home help and handyman. ‘I thought he was the cable guy but later he told me he was the creator of House. I love that show.’
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Christopher McQuarrie recalls how Steven Soderburgh was originally slated to direct The Usual Suspects:

But on the first day of filming Bryan turns up a full half hour before Stevie Soderburgh and just starts giving orders and shooting. By the time, Soderburgh was on set we’d done five pages and the studio liked what it saw. Bryan was in. 

Hugh Laurie has also complained about Mr Singer’s free for all philosophy:

First day on House he came up to my dressing room and he started eating a sandwich I’d brought from home and I was saving for lunch. I naturally complained and he turned to me and said, “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.” I thought he was joking but later that day he was wearing one of my shirts. 

Mr Singer was last seen driving away in your car.