ARMAGEDDON PREQUEL: ‘LOOKS DULL’

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited prequel of Michael Bay’s Armageddon has received an overwhelming thumbs down from the first test screenings Studio Exec has learned from inside sources.

The film, provisionally entitled The Rise of Armageddon, stars a cast of unknowns, including Mark Wahlberg as a young Billy Bob Thornton, Orlando Bloom as a young Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep as a young Liv Tyler, and Matt Damon as a young Ben Affleck. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and with a Hans Zimmer score, the studio hoped that the prequel would match the original which was the highest grossing motion picture of 1998, pissing on The Thin Red Line money wise from a height.  So what went wrong?

Below are some audience reactions with test score:

Alan Dunn(Chicago, Illinois):

DON’T GET IT. HARRY STAMPER AND HIS YOUNG PROTEGE A.J. DRILL UNDERWATER AND THE SCIENTIST DOES PAPERWORK. WTF? 2/10

Josie Perte (Austin, Texas): 

Why is the furniture moving? Oh that’s Mark Wahlberg and Orlando Bloom! Ha ha ha ha ha! 3/10

Monica Simons (San Francisco, California):

Nothing really happens. They just lead fairly normal lives. Then occasionally we see an asteroid but it’s too far away to be detected. And then some scientists at NASA say ‘Are there any asteroids heading towards the Earth?’ and another scientist checks like a machine and then he says, ‘No’ and then we’re back to drilling. 2/10  

Armond White (New York):

A work of absolute genius. Only Bay could have the audacity to take such a bold concept and run with it. Eschewing his usual vitality and car chases, and allowing only a tinge of his perfectly weighted homophobia and adolescent misogyny to seep in, Bay takes on the mantle of our generation’s Samuel Beckett. 20/10

Mannie Cloud (Tampa, Florida):

What’s Mark Wahlberg doing in front of the camera? Isn’t he an executive producerer or something?  1/10

VARIETY: BRUCE WILLIS IS THE TOO-EST OLD FOR THIS SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – In a poll commissioned by Variety Bruce Willis has been judge the most ‘Too Old For This Shit’ of 2013, beating off strong competition from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and (surprise entry) Daniel Craig. Willis, who – in a Good Day to Die Hard (a film title which is exactly one word too long) – was consistently grumpy and weird and obviously doing most of his stunts on a stair lift, commented on the result, saying he was happy because it was Wednesday, a Wednesday they got a treat from the fruit box.

Hollywood has been desperately trying to resurrect 1987 with scant success. Self-deprecation has led straight to awkward embarrassment via Johnny Knoxville. The grandfather brigade is being quickly followed by middle-aging action stars such as Liam Neeson, who has to pause between flights of stairs, and even 007 finds himself wheezing when giving chase, not to mention Batman’s dodgy knees.

Willis wins a bus pass and a selection basket of hair products.

Who do you think is ‘too old for this shit’? Vote in our poll. After all Variety just make this stuff up, so no one can actually trust them.

BRUCE WILLIS BLAMED FOR RUSSIAN METEORITE STORM

Vladimir Putin

Armagedding out here














Bruce Willis has been blamed by Vladimir Putin for having ‘in some way caused’ the meteorite shower that left hundred wounded. The meteorite flared dramatically in the sky in a region called Chelyabinsk and around 400 people were wounded in resulting explosions.
‘First he comes to Russia and kills people with his horrible snuff film A Good Day to Die Hard,’ said the Russian leader. ‘Then a scene from Armageddon happens right above our heads. Coincidence? I don’t think so.’
Putin’s new best friend Gerard Depardieu agreed: ‘Willis is a menace to Mother Russia. His anti-Russian propaganda was already tasteless and an insult to all true blood Russians such as myself, but then to somehow engineer space rock to fall from the sky as part of his ego trip just sickens me.’
It has been a hard week for Willis who also had the tough job of trying to identify the grammar of the phrase A Good Day to Die Hard to English journalists.

STUDIO USES TIME MACHINE FOR 2013 RELEASES

Studio Exec learned today that the heads of the major studios have been toying with forces more powerful than any man control, namely time travel. It was a almost midnight at the parking lot when the souped up Delorean was wheeled out. A script scout was given the thumbs up and off he went to somewhere int he mid-eighties. He would return what seemed like seconds later but for him had been little over a month and with him he had a script for Die Hard 5, starring Bruce Willis; a development deal for Bullet in the Head directed by Walter Hill and starring Sylvester Stallone; and even a movie about an old sheriff called The Last Stand, and ‘starring’ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
‘Admittedly, it’s an unconventional way of getting product,’ said one of the studio chiefs, sheepishly. ‘But do you know how hard it is to think of new ideas. I mean, it literally hurts.’
News comes after Disney CEO Bill Iger announced the studio’s intention of limiting creative ideas to an absolute minimum. ‘We chose JJJJ Abrams because we thought the less people involved in these films the better. We want everything to be the same and nothing to be truly original or decent.’
What do you think of the eighties revival? Ghostbusters 3 or a load of old Goonies? Feel free to leave comments.

OBAMA PROMISES METEOR HIT
















WASHINGTON – The 44th President of the United States Barack H. Obama promised during his second inauguration that more work would be done to place the Earth in the path of an asteroid.
‘I recognize many thought my first term timid in avoiding a collision with a space rock the size of Kansas,’ said President Obama. ‘But I promise  you, Robert Duvall and Bruce Willis are ready to join forces and NASA is currently rushing to identify an asteroid that would put us in danger and give us all a new sense of perspective about how petty our squabbles are when faced with immediate irrevocable extinction.’


The GOP were quick to respond, criticizing the President for playing what they called the ‘Morgan Freeman card.’ John Boehner said, ‘What we need is someone more like Stanley Anderson or perhaps Dennis Quaid. And instead of an asteroid, perhaps a giant blob or dinosaurs escaped from one of Spielberg’s camps.’

Others accused the President however of not being radical enough. ‘He says he wants to be on a collision course,’ said Sean Penn. ‘But then he is also willing to bring out the cowboys to save the day. They would then destroy the asteroid probably with nuclear weapons, causing great environmental damage to the asteroid.’ 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER FIRED FROM STRIKING DISTANCE 2

Muffy (right)

HOLLYWOOD – Producer Ron Bozman revealed today in a candid interview in French cultural magazine Chapeau that Sarah Jessica Parker has been fired from the sequel to the 1993 film Striking Distance – provisionally entitled Striking Distance 2: A New Boat – which is currently filming in Louisiana. Parker, who was reprising her role as Jo Christman, was apparently “very difficult” to work with.
“You wouldn’t believe the attitude… I got called to the set almost everyday,” said Bozman. “Her husband Matthew Broderick’d call all the time while we were filming. You think she’d be a bit more professional but she’d just start screaming and say he needed her.” He recalled the event that broke the horse’s back: “He drove all the way down to the set… wearing a ridiculous pink apron, babbling about a recipe for snickerdoodles… and that was when I said she was out.”

Rowdy Herrington, director of the original film, refused the project as he is currently busy directing puppet shows for seniors at the Soft Twilight Nursing Home for Dignified Incontinence. The studio then turned to Renny Harlin, whose schedule was very open: in between filming the occasional episode of a USA network series, he spends his time standing on the Rocky Mountains where his 1993 film Cliffhanger was shot, simply screaming “Why?” 

A lot of footage had been shot with Parker, but relief came in the form of an acting horse, rising animal star Muffy McGee, one of the few survivors of Peter Jackson’s animal holocaust. Bozman gushed about Parker’s replacement: “We put Muffy on set and continued filming, we were amazed it matched the rest of the footage perfectly.”

Bruce Willis, who is reprising his role as Det. Tom Hardy, was unconcerned about the re-casting of his co-star. “Am I getting paid for these questions?” he asked. For a moment he stood in silence with one eye closed and a crooked smirk on his face, then continued: “It doesn’t really matter to me who my co-star is, I’m getting paid. I stopped caring long ago… I mean, remember my role on Friends, or Armageddon? Who would agree to work with David Schwimmer or Ben Affleck if they weren’t getting a fat check?”

It’s unclear if Parker’s firing will affect her career. The only project the actress currently has in the pipeline is an unspecified role in Antoine Fuqua’s Mutha Flicka, which is said to be a “Dark and gritty” entry in the classic film series.

Striking Distance 2 is set for release this Fall.

MATTHEW PERRY: NO LONGER FAMOUS

NEW YORK – It was announced today that Matthew Perry, the star of the hit nineties sit-com Friends was no longer to be considered famous.

Mr. Perry, who came to prominence as the ‘witty’ friend Chandler of the hit comedy, had found transition to the big screen difficult. His first film was the moderately successful comedy The Whole Nine Yards, followed by a sequel. Since then Chandler (as he insists on being known) has appeared in the ill-fated Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and bits parts in other series.
A relaxed Mr. Perry said that the official announcement had come as a shock. ‘I didn’t know they actually flat out declared those things,’ he said, laughing away the tears. But he is not at all downhearted.

‘There are definite advantages,’ he said. ‘No one stops you in the street and the price of cocaine goes down dramatically. I’m joking, of course.’

FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 5



In the final part of his Xmas top ten, Sir Edwin Fluffer writes of his favorite Xmas films and his experience working in the cinema as an ‘actor’:

9 Miracle on 34th Street
I enjoyed this movie so much that I spent years trying to track down the preceding 33 Streets only to find that this is actually the first one. They haven’t made the sequel yet either, but I could always find time in my schedule for a cameo. I’d like to play the judge because then you can sit down behind that nice big desk and if you get too warm you can take your trousers off. 
When I was cast in The Searchers I wanted to play it with no trousers on, but the saddles on those horses were most uncomfortable. In the end I had to bring a cushion to sit on, but when John Wayne saw it he wanted one too and the whole thing got out of hand. I had to get Natalie Wood to embroider my name on my cushion because Jeffrey Hunter kept stealing it. 
Having no trousers backfired quite spectacularly when I was bitten by one of the horses, which resulted in some quite lengthy medical treatment. To this day I can’t think of lovely Natalie Wood without feeling quite uncomfortable. Sadly all of my scenes were cut from the movie because John Ford felt that the subplot I was involved in didn’t really gel with the rest of the picture. Even at the time I felt that having an astronaut with no trousers turn up in the middle of a western was slightly avant garde and once again history has proved me right.

10 Die Hard
The day I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame I also got a phone call from that lovely young actor Alan Rickman. The poor love was in tears and I could barely understand a word he was saying. I headed straight over to his hotel room and found him in a terrible state. Ally was just about to start filming his role as the lead villain in Die Hard, but couldn’t find the character. It’s every actor’s worst nightmare. With all my years of experience in the business I couldn’t see a fellow performer suffer that way, so I stayed up with him all night long running the lines and trying desperately to find a way for him to get under the skin of that part. It was the early hours of the following morning when I suddenly had a brain wave: why not do it with an accent? 
We must’ve tried them all, Mexican, Japanese, Australian, but we got there in the end and the result is one of the most mesmerizing performances in the entire history of the cinema. So if anyone ever asks you ‘who had the bright idea to get Alan Rickman to do a French accent in Die Hard?’ you tell them Sir Edwin Fluffer! Darling Alan was terribly grateful and said he’d tried to get me a credit as dialogue coach. 
I don’t know if he remembered or not because when I saw the film I’d had a few drinks and fell asleep long before the end. 

BRUCE WILLIS TO PLAY CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS















LONDON –  Woody Allen’s long awaited biopic of the author and journalist Christopher Hitchens has finally found it’s leading man in the shape of the artist formerly known as Hudson Hawk, Bruce Willis.


Provisionally titled ‘Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Atheism (But Were Afraid to Ask)’. Allen will focus on the writing and release of Hitchens’ Best-seller ‘God is not Great’ and his subsequent lecture tour of North America.


The script, written by comedian Doug Stanhope, has already been condemned by various branches of the Christian Church with the Pope himself declaring it “A pack of f*cking lies.”

Muslim scholars have also expressed their outrage and Kali Ali of The Islamic School For The Advancement Of Religious Intolerance, demanded the studio abandons the project.

“We don’t know who this Christopher Hitchens is but we’ve seen all of Woody Allen’s films and consider them to be little more than Zionist propaganda. Especially ‘Annie Hall’ which is obviously a Pro-Israeli allegory for the continued occupation of the West Bank.”.

Other cast members include Jason Statham as the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Chuck Norris as Richard Dawkins and Steven Seagal is rumoured to be making a brief cameo appearance as Professor Steven Hawking.

God willing. Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Atheism (But Were Afraid to Ask) will be released in September 2013.

BRUCE WILLIS TO PLAY CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS















LONDON –  Woody Allen’s long awaited biopic of the author and journalist Christopher Hitchens has finally found it’s leading man in the shape of the artist formerly known as Hudson Hawk, Bruce Willis.


Provisionally titled ‘Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Atheism (But Were Afraid to Ask)’. Allen will focus on the writing and release of Hitchens’ Best-seller ‘God is not Great’ and his subsequent lecture tour of North America.


The script, written by comedian Doug Stanhope, has already been condemned by various branches of the Christian Church with the Pope himself declaring it “A pack of f*cking lies.”

Muslim scholars have also expressed their outrage and Kali Ali of The Islamic School For The Advancement Of Religious Intolerance, demanded the studio abandons the project.

“We don’t know who this Christopher Hitchens is but we’ve seen all of Woody Allen’s films and consider them to be little more than Zionist propaganda. Especially ‘Annie Hall’ which is obviously a Pro-Israeli allegory for the continued occupation of the West Bank.”.

Other cast members include Jason Statham as the Reverend Jerry Falwell, Chuck Norris as Richard Dawkins and Steven Seagal is rumoured to be making a brief cameo appearance as Professor Steven Hawking.

God willing. Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Atheism (But Were Afraid to Ask) will be released in September 2013.

IN CONVERSATION: SAMUEL L. JACKSON

 
Good Morning Mr Jackson. Can I call you Sam?
Mr Jackson will suffice.
 
Fine. Mr Jackson, The Avengers was a great success, you must be very proud.
I turn up on set, do my job and get paid. If the movie does well I get a bonus. I like bonuses.
 
But surely after the long build up, the cameo’s in Iron Man, Captain America etc…you are pleased that your character Nick Fury finally got to strut his stuff?
Strut his stuff?
 
Er…I mean you must be happy your role was extended.
I turn up on set, do my job and get paid. If the movie does well I get a bonus. I like bonuses.
 
Ok. It’s been almost 20 years since Pulp Fiction was released. What are your memories of the shoot?
Shut the f*ck up Fat Man it ain’t none of your God Damn business
 
Er…what?
What does Bruce Willis look like?
 
What?
What country you from?
 
What?
What ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
 
What?
ENGLISH, MOTHERF*CKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?
 
Yes!
Then you know what I’m saying!
 
Yes!
Describe what Bruce Willis looks like!
 
What, I-?
Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, motherf*cker. Say what one more god damn time.
 
He’s w-w-white…
Go on.
 
He’s bald…
Does he look like a bitch?
 
What?
DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?
 
No!
Then why you try to f*ck him like a bitch?
 
I didn’t.
Yes you did. Yes you did. You tried to f**k him. And Bruce Willis don’t like to be f*cked by anybody, except Mrs. Willis.
 
Mr Jackson I think we better wrap up the interview you seem to be a little fraught.
Aw Man. I’m just F*cking with you.
 
Jackson breaks into hysterical laughter.
 
Oh…Ha-Ha. Phew that’s a relief I thought you’d gone crazy.
You calling me crazy Motherf*cker!
 
Samuel L Jackson’s will star in Django Unchained due for release Christmas 2012
 
 
 
 
 
 

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD: THE FIRST BIG BUDGET SNUFF MOVIE



MOSCOW – Bruce Willis revealed yesterday that his new outing as John McClane will break new ground for Hollywood in on screen death.
‘Usually snuff movies come out of places where life is cheap,’ said the old Moonlighter himself. ‘But fortunately we had a really big budget and so even though life isn’t that cheap in Russia, we still managed to off some extras.’

The new outing sees McClane going to Russia to fight somebody about something. ‘I’m a bit long in the tooth,’ said the Twelfth Monkey. ‘So instead of hiding the fact, we used it for comic purposes. I say, a couple of times in fact, I say, “I’m getting too old for this shit” and you see the audience will think “oh that’s good because he is kind of a little bit too old for doing this, shit as it were.” You see? I’m saying what people are thinking that perhaps I’m too old for this shit.’

At this point, Willis dozed for a few minutes and then woke up fresh and really quite alert, but unsure of who I was. According to John Moore the director of A Good Day to Die Hard (‘excellent title by the way,’ says Willis brightening for a moment), no one was actually killed during the filming. ‘I think Bruce got a bit confused when some of the stunt men were blown up,’ says John. ‘They were fine afterwards but he seemed bewildered. Although we did shoot a few people with real bullets. Perhaps we did kill two or three but no more than that. Six tops. Or seven.’

A Good Day to Die Hard is out next year.