FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH

It’s a sad fact that not everyone in Hollywood gets along. Bette Davis tried to kill Joan Crawford with a hand grenade, John Wayne poisoned Gary Cooper’s wife and George Clooney punched David O’Russell in the testicles. Continue reading “FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH”

BOB BALABAN TO REPLACE BRUCE WILLIS IN DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran actor Bob Balaban is to take over from Bruce Willis as perennial cop in the wrong place John McClane in Die Hard 6.

Director Noah Baumbach explained the left field casting choice when he spoke to Studio Exec earlier today:

The last Die Hard [A Good Day to Die Hard – SE] was such a colossal turd that the studio has decided to go in a radically different direction. Initially, we were looking at young upcoming action stars like Jason Statham or Chris Pine, but they made some fairly weak excuses and it was clear they thought of the franchise as pretty much done in. Then Bruce called and suggested Bob. They’d worked together on Moonrise Kingdom and got on very well. 

Bruce Willis confirmed:

I’ve always admired Bob as an actor. He has this reputation as a quiet nebbish type, but inside him there’s this inner steel that I saw instantly would look good with a machine gun, an undershirt and a flaring Uzi.

Balaban himself commented:

As an actor I’ve had a fairly wide ranging ride. From the nerdy guy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind to the nerdy guy in The Monuments Men, roles have taken me many different places, psychically and physically. Now as McClane I guess I’m going to China or somewhere in Eastern Europe and there’ll be explosions and what not. According to the script, I have retired from the police force and am now spending my time searching for antiquarian books when the terrorists strike. I hope I don’t drop my glasses.

An Interesting Thing Happened to me on the Way to the Die Hard will be released in 2016. 

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION … 2. OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

  


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FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION … 1. AFTER EARTH

 

The most Significant Science Fiction of the Year, fusing the acting talents of Will Smith with the theological/scientific knowledge of Jayden Smith and the most visionary director of his generation, M. Night Shyamalan After Earth is a work of indisputable genius and well worthy of all the awards and whatever other trinkets you mere mortals dare to offer.

It is the film that forced Stephen Hawking to weep and say to those in the audience: ‘This is how it will be when we have space crafts and stuff like that.’ 


It is the film that the New York Times said on seeing it ‘What?’

It is the film which in 2013 made us reconsider not only our relationship to the planet but also to each other and our parents and plants.

PUNK’D: ASHTON KUTCHER AND DEMI MOORE NOT REALLY DIVORCING

HOLLYWOOD – We only have ourselves to blame. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore – the romance of the millennium, the fairy story that look set to end in acrimony and scandal – will actually continue.

The separation and divorce announced and filed December 2012, has turned out to be yet another elaborate gag on the part of the irrepressible Ashton Kutcher.

‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,’ said Mr. Kutcher to the three journalists who turned up to the press conference. ‘HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Phew. There, now you’ve been Punk’d by the master perhaps (and this is the serious point me and Demi wanted to make) you won’t be so quick to gloat at the failing of a celebrity marriage between an Amazonian beauty and a youngster who’s famous for pretty much nothing.’ 

The fake separation was greet with expressions of joy also by Ms. Moore’s ex, Bruce Willis, who found out about it when he turned up to Demi Moore’s house with a huge bouquet of flowers, a diamond re-engagement ring and champagne on ice. ‘Oh…’ he said, with a small choking sound. ‘That’s wonderful. And funny. I suppose. Does anyone know where the nearest bar is from here?’ 

3 Other Famous Kutcher Japes

1. Convincing everyone that abstemious book worm Charlie Sheen was actually a wild party animal, Kutcher through hacking Sheen’s phone managed to create an impression of such staggering instability that Sheen was booted off his incredibly successful sit-com Two and a Half Men. To make it even funnier, he was replaced by … Ashton Kutcher! HA!

2.  During the filming of The Guardian, he convinced Kevin Costner that the film was actually about the British newspaper The Guardian and Costner spent six months in their London offices doing research which proved useless when it came to filming the scenes as a Coast Guard rescue swimmer. 

3. Prior to filming Jobs Kutcher told everyone he had read the script when as a matter of fact he still hasn’t. 

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher will be divorcing again next week for anyone who missed it.  

BRYAN CRANSTON REPLIES TO SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS

HOLLYWOOD – Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad fame wrote s a wonderful reply to Anthony Hopkins’ fan letter. 

We print it EXCLUSIVELY:
Dear Tony,
 
Thanks for your kind e-mail. I was in the middle of cooking a fresh batch of Meth when I got it and I was so shocked I knocked over the propane tank and nearly blew the damn lab up!
You seem like a modest, self-deprecating man which is rare and refreshing in this industry. I received a drunken e-mail from Bruce Willis yesterday full of bile and expletives in which he claimed that he should have played Walter White and when they invent a time machine he’s going back to 2007, kick me in the ass and take the role he claims was rightfully his. I got a similar note from Patrick Stewart last week. I used to refer to him as Sir Patrick Stewart but no knight of the realm should have such a wide range of coarse profanity in his vocabulary.
 
Suffice to say, I rarely receive any compliments from my peers and I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to pat me on the back. It was also kind of you to mention the other members of the cast but I cannot pass on this message to them. Unfortunately, we are no longer in contact and they are, in effect, dead to me. In fact, I walked past Aaron Paul in the street this morning and he attempted to approach me, so I asked my security guard to ensure he didn’t invade my personal space. It might sound cruel but after six years on the show I can no longer stand the sight of him. That’s showbiz I suppose but no harm no foul. Knowing Aaron, he’ll recover from his injuries pretty quickly.
 
If you are ever in New Mexico, we should hook up and have dinner sometime. I know a great place that serves the best Fava beans and Chianti in the state (Sorry I couldn’t resist) but seriously, just give me a call and I’ll make myself available.
 
All the best,
 
The One who Knocks
 
P.S I f*cking loved you in FreeJack, man.
 

BRUCE WILLIS: FINANCIAL ADVISOR














Hi, my name’s Bruce Willis.

You may have noticed that when it comes to acting jobs, I’ll take any damn film I’m offered. That’s not just because I’m an empty shell of man and if I’m not working I often find myself sat at my home in Malibu nursing a bottle of Johnny Walker and contemplating putting a loaded revolver in my mouth. 

Sure I have days like that but so do most actors. Hell I know for a fact that Christopher Lambert has attempted suicide at least a 100 times but unfortunately, being a Highlander and all, he can only be killed if he’s decapitated by a sword and if you’ve ever tried to cut your own head off with a claymore, you’ll appreciate what a logistical nightmare that is.

Truth be told I accept any role because I genuinely love money. I love everything about it the feel the smell, the taste. Pop around to my trailer during a shoot and you’ll often catch me pleasuring myself with a fistful of dollars wearing a papier-mache crown fashioned from Japanese yen.  Of course having millions in the bank also enables you to afford the little luxuries in life. Back when I was a bartender in Jersey all I had in my cupboards was a few tins of own brand refried beans and a packet of pop tarts but now that I have to cash to spare, I buy my beans and pop tarts in bulk and often treat myself to family sized box of Ritz biscuits.

During a recent therapy session my psychiatrist suggested that if I passed on some of my financial knowledge I’d feel I was giving something back to the world and this charitable act would, in turn, stop me from praying for death on a daily basis.

So here’s a patented sure fire Willis way of making a little extra cash.

1.      Buy something
2.      Sell it for more than you bought it for.

Easy as that. Drop by next week when I’ll be showing you how premature baldness can get you a tax break.

Later.

SPIKE LEE ATTACKS LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Spike Lee launched a scathing attack on Oprah Winfrey and Lee Daniels for their new film, Lee Daniels’ The Butler, which stars Forest Whitaker as a butler who works for a succession of eight Presidents, living through the turbulence of the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement.

The Malcolm X director fumed: “He just picks stuff up.”

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Lee yelled:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler kisses butt when it should kick butt. Forest Whitaker just stands around doing stuff for a bunch of white folk in the White House. There are no alien invasions, no asteroids hurtling towards the Earth and no terrorists kidnapping the President, who should be Morgan Freeman by the way. You can be sure as shit if Whitaker was Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis he’d spend more time kicking ass and less time picking stuff up, or just standing there.  

Equally outraged was black activist Carrie Fisher, who wrote in her blog Something Fishery:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler‘s bullshit. We see the White House and we’re waiting. Whitaker turns up to do an ordinary job, a servant’s job basically, but we think he’s probably ex-Special Forces. It’s tense. We wait. One president, nothing, then two presidents. What the fuck? Three presidents, four? In the end there are eight Goddam presidents and not one time does the White House get infiltrated by terrorists. Not once. Or blown up by an asteroid. It’s bullshit.   

Harvey Weinstein, whose Weinstein Company produced the film, issued the following statement: 

We were expecting a lot more from Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Frankly we were misled. Once Lee Daniels said that Lee Daniels’ The Butler was set in the White House there were three ways it could go: asteroid, terrorists, or the President’s dog. I’m sad to say that Lee Daniel’s The Butler falls down on all three counts. We shall be seeking legal compensation. 

Lee Daniels’ The Butler 2: With Terrorists will be released in 2015.

ASHTON KUTCHER AND JUDI DENCH TO MARRY

 

HOLLYWOOD – Jobs star and ex-Mr Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher announced his long awaited marriage to M actress Judi Dench earlier today.

Rumors had been rife about the couple ever since, Kutcher accompanied Dame Dench o the premier of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel last year, and friends of the couple have said the two have made no secret of their commitment. A source close to Kutcher (it was Jonah Hill) told Studio Exec anonymously:  

We went out for dinner and although they were discreet, arriving separately and leaving at different times, it was obvious to everyone in the room that they were very much in love. They had their hands all over each other and Kelsey Grammer actually told them to get a room at one point.

Friends said that the two have a great deal in common, one of them is a highly accomplished actor and they both enjoy breathing cool air and taking walks in the moonlight. It is reported that they are planning a small private ceremony to which close friends and Bruce Willis will be invited. 

Jobs 2: Retina Display will be released in 2015. 

BRUCE WILLIS AND SYLVESTER STALLONE MARRY

SAN FRANCISCO – In a surprise twist following recent contretemps, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis have got married, taking advantage of recent changes in the marriage laws. 

After something that was like a tiff about Expendables 3, the Testosterone Twins decided to get hitched having got a lot of tension out through what they called ‘physical exertion’.
Stallone said on the court steps in front of an audience of friends and Jean Claude Van Damme:

We had been tussling for some time, but then the tussling, and fighting soon turned to slapping, then wrestling and then that turned into something a bit more serious and then… well Jesus Christ. What do you want? Pictures?   

To the resounding shout of YES! the happy couple demurred.  

The Expendables 4 will be released in 2015.

JAMES GANDOLFINI’S HARPSICHORD HITS

NEW JERSEY – Tony Soprano actor and classical music guru, James Gandolfini launches a new album entitled ‘A Treasury of Harpsichord Favorites’.

James Gandolfini explained to Studio Exec his continued passion for the keyboard string instrument:

Ever since I started acting, anyone will tell you, there’s a lot of waiting around. Some read philosophy and do long division like Lindsay, others get into drugs like Hanks, but I learnt harpsichord and studied tonality in music. 

The album includes many of James’ personal favorites, including ‘The Fall of the Leaf’, ‘The Queen’s Book’, ‘Wolsey’s Wild’ and ‘I Don’t Wanna Be Called Yo Nigga!’ by Public Enemy.

I’ve been talking to Bruce Willis because he wants to make a come back as a singer. And he asked me if he could do some singing while I tinkle, if you know what I mean. I have absolutely no intention of doing it, but you know, I keep stringing him along for shits and giggles.

G.I. JOE AND TYLER PERRY WIN THE WEEKEND



GI Joe: Retaliation won the Easter weekend Box Office, though Tyler Perry’s Temptation also did good business despite the fact that Tyler Perry is almost universally considered a tool. Meanwhile, The Host was a disappointing debut showing that the young-adult genre is shizzle.
Top quote Ray Subbers at Box Office Mojo: 

The Top 12 earned an estimated $140.8 million, which is nearly identical to the same weekend last year. The G.I. Joe sequel grossed an estimated $41.2 million this weekend, which ranks as the second-highest Easter debut ever behind 2010’s Clash of the Titans ($61.2 million). Including Thursday, the movie has earned $51.7 million; that’s a bit below G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra‘s $54.7 million three-day start in August 2009. For its three major stars, this is also a potent opening: it ranks third-highest for Channing Tatum, second-highest for The Rock, and it’s remarkably the top debut ever for a Bruce Willis movie.

Studio Exec will from now on be committed to reporting only the FACTS of Hollywood news with particular attention paid to Box Office receipts.

GI JOE FANS ANGRY AT ‘TOO HUMAN’ FILM

HOLLYWOOD – The release of the latest installment in the GI Joe franchise looks set to be a commercial and critical success but some fans are criticizing the film for being too human.

Jason Partnersnip, author of A Book of Joe, writes in his review of the film:

GI Joe: Retaliation is a travesty. Instead of plastic dolls with expressionless faces and no way of conveying emotion, we get ‘actors’ like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Channing Tatum and Bruce Willis quite obviously moving their faces in attempts to somehow convey emotion, in direct contradiction of the spirit of the toys. 

Director Jon M. Chu responded angrily to the criticism:

We specifically tried to choose actors that I could rely upon to give me a sense of impassive stupidity and block-headed numbness and I think we achieved that.  It’s unfair for Jason (who by the way I’ve had run ins with before) to pick on our film when he knows that we are trying our best – as lovers of plastic toys – to stay true to the spirit of the product. If you come to our movie, you’ll see lots of parts where we’ve even managed to CGI the humans out of the film altogether. And still he’s not happy.

GI Joe: Retaliation is on general release.

BRUCE WILLIS CAST IN TARANTINO’S MAHATMA GANDHI KILL KILL KILL!!!

DELHI – The news on Quentin Tarantino’s new film Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!  is coming in thick and fast with the announcement that Bruce Willis will appear in the lead role.

He’ll join Christoph Waltz who has already signed on as a German clergyman who shows the thin Indian the way to kick British Imperialism out of the Asian subcontinent.
Willis said that he was excited to join up once more with Tarantino with whom he had worked with on Pulp Fiction in 1994.

I think that it’s a good time in my career to move towards something a little more serious and Quentin and I have talked for years about our Gandhi movie. Whenever we met up at parties and what not, we’d huddle in a corner and talk about how we could make this inspirational figure into an ass kicking action star. 

 Are you worried about being compared to Sir Ben Kingsley’s Oscar winning performance?

Honestly no. Me and Sir Ben are different actors. We have a different style. He did the accent and the color and the peaceful wisdom. I doubt we’ll be going in that direction. I’ll be offing British toffs with a Gatling gun and saying things like ‘Pop this Jewel in your motherfucking crown!’ 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!! is due to start filming tomorrow.

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