BRUCE WILLIS’S FACE MOVED

HOLLYWOOD – The movie world was sent into shock earlier today with rumors and unconfirmed reports that Bruce Willis’s face moved. It is not known if Bruce Willis’s face moved in a professional capacity for a role, something which hasn’t happened for over 15 years. The Exec spoke with his manager, Aaron Jobsworth to see if there was any truth to the rumors.

Is There Any Truth To The Rumor That Bruce Willis’s Face Moved Earlier Today?

I can neither confirm or deny the rumor at this current time. You will appreciate the magnitude of such a possibility and Bruce has his whole team around him. We will help establish the facts and provide support at this difficult time.

Were There Any Witnesses?

We are looking into the possibility that a member of the public may have witnessed the incident. It is seems that Bruce was afflicted with an extreme bout of flatulence after leaving his favorite restaurant, ‘We Are Onions’. It’s on Pico Boulevard, right next to Tech Noir. Bruce’s rectum prolapsed with the fart’s force and his face may have suffered an expression.

Is This Account From The Witness?

Not directly. The witness is still under heavy sedation and has yet to be interviewed. We’re trying to put the pieces together as much as we can. We have asked Bruce to comment, but as he’s going off-script, we’re not expecting much back from him.

When Was The Last Confirmed Expression From Bruce?

The last official sighting of a facial expression came way back in 2012’s Moonrise Kingdom. This was his final foray into quirky cinema. As you can imagine, we all have our fingers crossed for Bruce at this difficult time. If this turns out to be true, it could be devastating for his straight to DVD career.

We’ll Bring You More On This Breaking Story As We Get It.

MOONFALL IS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Destroyer of worlds Roland Emmerich has confirmed his new apocalyptic movie, Moonfall is about climate change. The Independence Day director sat down with The Studio Exec to talk about his new blockbuster starring Halle Berry & Patrick Wilson and why Moonfall is really about climate change.

Roland, Can You Tell Us Anything About Your New Film?

Yeah, sure I can. It’s called Moonfall and it’s about the Moon falling out of orbit and on a direct course to hit the Earth. And not just a glancing blow. I mean, destroying the whole f**king world. And then Halle Berry teams up with oil rig worker, Bruce Willis and a bearded Leonardo Dicaprio to save us all. Maximillian Schell is on a beach and Nic Cage keeps having premonitions, or something.

I Think You May Be Mixing Up Your Apocalypses There

Am I? Does it matter when we’re all going to die in a few weeks’ time anyway? Look, the real point of it all is that the movie isn’t about the Moon or space missions. It’s all about climate change. It’s pretty obvious when you stop and think about it.

Can You Elaborate On That?

No problem. We’re all helpless to stop this thing happening, and it’s our own fault. We brought this on ourselves. Just like climate change.

Moonfall Is About Climate Change?

Umm, well not directly, I guess. Or possibly even at all. But the way I see it, if Adam McKay hadn’t played the old climate change card, nobody would even be talking about his f**king film, let alone watching it. So this is my first film all about climate change. It’s really exciting to deal with a new subject, a global concern if you like. We’re all scared about this, apart from those climate change denying assholes, but f**k them. I wanted to talk about this in the best way I know how, and that was by threatening to kill billions of people. It makes such a refreshing change to tackle this subject in one of my movies.

Didn’t You Already Do That With The Day After Tomorrow?

Wait. What? Oh. Shit.

 

Moonfall Is Released In February

BRUCE WILLIS QUANTITY IS QUALITY

HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis Quantity is quality. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Bruce Willis tells us that quantity is quality and he is trying to make as many films as possible before the end of the tax year.


Thank you for joining us Bruce Willis. Let’s dive straight in. Is quantity quality?

Are you filming this? If you are, could I have the footage please? I could use it in this week’s film, ‘Death Kill Fire Guns’. After all, quantity is quality.

That’s quite the title. What is it about?

How the fuck should I know? I turn up for a promo shoot and try to not look too bored. That’s the tough bit. I then send the producers some footage of me saying generic lines like, ‘Watch out!’, ‘Get down!’ or ‘It’s gonna blow! RUN!’. I think they get a stand-in to do my other lines. They shoot it from over my shoulder, so no-one can tell it aint me. Then I wait for the cash to come rolling in.

What about your artistic integrity?

Pa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You’re a funny guy. Not many people can make me laugh. Believe me. The last time I genuinely laughed was when I was working with Terry Gilliam on Twelve Monkeys. How long ago was that? A couple of years ago, right?

That was nearly 30 years ago.

You don’t say? Shit. That fucking Ferris Bueller was right. Life does kinda pass you by. You know, I was in Die Hard. I did a couple of the sequels also.

You made 4 sequels.

I did? Well, whaddayaknow. Anywho. When is this film coming out? When do I get paid? I got a tax bill to pay, ya know. I’m Nic Cage-ing it. Know what I mean?

A new Bruce Willis film will release online every week or so.

IS DIE HARD A THANKSGIVING MOVIE?

HOLLYWOOD – We enter the realm of hot takes, with the unhinged proposal that Die Hard is a Thanksgiving movie.

The turkey is in the oven; the family has gathered; the virus invisibly spreads, but the question on everyone’s lips this Thanksgiving is: Is Die Hard a Thanksgiving movie?

Now, wait a second. Before you jump to all sorts of conclusions. Let’s look at the evidence. First of all the 1988 actioner stars Bruce Willis as a New York cop who turns up in Los Angeles to see his wife. Not much that’s very Thanksgivingy so far. But wait. The film is set during the Christmas holidays, right? And if I remember my calendar correctly Christmas comes like a month or so after Thanksgiving. So we’re not a million miles away.

Gaming companies are experts on thanksgiving. Everyone knows that. So, who better to claim that Die Hard is a Thanksgiving movie than JackpotCity online casino themselves? Given their array of festive slots and eye for storytelling, there’s no doubt in my mind that they should have the final word. Plus, they understand the McClane types who are ready to roll the dice.

The cliche debate is of course: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? The short answer is: It’s not a Christmas movie. Why? Because how can it be, when it’s already a Thanksgiving movie. It just doesn’t fit the bill as a typical Christmas movie anyway, as it has none of the Christmas motifs – and hardly any Christmassy visuals. One thing that can’t be debated is that Santa does not make an appearance. 

Anyway, we only have to listen to Bruce’s Comedy Roast speech where he announces “Die Hard is not a Christmas movie! It’s a g—–n Bruce Willis movie!”. There, he said it – and did you notice that he didn’t deny it as a Thanksgiving movie?

Next up is the fact that Bruce Willis stars in the film. Bruce Willis is a famous fan of Thanksgiving, once telling Entertainment Weekly: ‘Yeah, Thanksgiving is okay, I guess. I mean, I suppose so.’ Also, during one of the action sequences, he can be seen mouthing the words ‘cranberry sauce’ and he refers to his wife as ‘Pumpkin’, although that scene got cut from the finished movie and then burned. So don’t look for it because you won’t find it.

In the movie, Willis also mocks the bad guys, saying: ‘yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers.’ This was a reference to Roy Rogers who was a cowboy like John Wayne. John Wayne also had a catchphrase which was calling people ‘pilgrim’. Thanksgiving celebrates the arrival and survival of the Pilgrim fathers. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Finally, Die Hard takes place almost entirely in the Nakatomi Plaza. Nakatomi is obviously a Japanese word which translates roughly as ‘This Movie You are Watching, Yes, It is a Thanksgiving Movie.’

I rest my Hot Take.

Die Hard will be re-released.

BRUCE WILLIS WAKES UP

HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis has woken up.

Star of Pulp Fiction and Die Hard, Bruce Willis woke up today for the first time in well over a decade. A source close to the Moonlighting star told The Studio Exec:

We’re so pleased Bruce is finally awake. He tends to have these very long naps. It was after the wrap party for Unbreakable, and Bruce was yawning. “I might just go up for forty winks,” he said. And that was that. We didn’t see him awake until just yesterday.

But Bruce has made a bunch of movies?

I know, right. Yeah, about that. All we really need to do is put Bruce on wheels, like roller skates, but less conspicuous. Then we give him a little push and he rolls right in front of the cameras.

But he has lines to say.

Yeah, we play him cassettes of the lines he has to read. His sides, for those in the biz. He absorbs them and then mumbles them out.

That’s incredible. I mean he did how many Die Hard movies, and he didn’t wake up?

Funny you should mention that. For the last two Die Hard movies, we actually had to get a doctor in and put him into a deeper sleep. It depends on the piece, but yeah, he was more than drowsy.

Does that mean we can expect a better performance in his next film?

[LAUGHING HEARTILY] Lord no! Well, to begin with, there’s no guarantee he’s going to stay awake for one thing. And you know, acting isn’t really his thing. He’d prefer to be known for his music.

His music?

Yeah. I know.

Return of Bruno 2 is out soon.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DEMI MOORE

HOLLYWOOD – Demi Moore is world famous but what do we really know about ex Mrs Bruce Willis and ex Mrs Ashton Kutcher?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad to find out more about Demi Moore and divorce you from the Ashton Kutchner of your stupidity.

1. She’s still alive. 

2. Filming of Striptease and G.I. Jane overlapped and so Demi occasionally got flustered and shot people when she should have been taking her clothes off. And took her clothes off when she should have been killing people.

3. Demi Moore’s father Dudley Moore was made famous in his film Arthur, and she appears briefly in the film riding a horse. When Dudley gave Demi away at her first wedding he got drunk and peed in the avocado mousse. 

4. Demi Moore’s marriage began as an elaborate attempt to punk’d Ashton Kutchner and it continued as an elaborate attempt to punk’d him and finished when it was revealed that it wasn’t a joke.

5. Bruce Willis first met Demi on the set of Moonlighting when she was playing Cybil Shepherd, the female detective. They shared a love of chess, but found they were incompatible when he insisted on occasionally singing to her. Also Demi Moore once had really bad gas. But instead of being ashamed of this she used her own predicament to publicize the issue at the United Nations by having herself photographed and full Zeppelin mode. Five seconds after this photo was taken, Demi let rip and blew out the windows of the studio.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

WHY WERE CYBILL SHEPHERD AND BRUCE WILLIS NOT IN MOONLIGHT?

HOLLYWOOD – Awards front runner Barry Jenkins’ Moonlight came in for criticism for not casting the original Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis in the remake.

Moonlight is a beautiful film, but many have criticized the reboot of the 1980s romantic detective show for not including the original stars.

Moonlighting expert Bacala Simone told the Studio Exec:

Lots of people criticize Moonlight because of the changes of emphasis and tone. Instead of a detective agency, you have the streets of Miami. Instead of David and Maddy, you have a young black man struggling with his sexuality. They even changed the name from Moonlighting to the snappier Moonlight. But the complete absence of Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Why not have them in small role? It seemed insulting to the legacy.

Such are the differences in fact that many viewers don’t even know that the film is a remake of the popular TV show. Barry Jenkins explains:

That was actually intentional. We felt people were too tired of the reboots and remakes and so when we got the green light, we started quietly tossing out all the elements we could. Shifting emphasis.

What about Bruce and Cybill? Were they involved?

Actually yes. We gave them a scene in which they play their roles as David and Maddy doing some detective work in Little’s school. But when we watched the footage we all agreed that it was jarring. It will be included on the DVD extras though. Who knows? We might have a special Moonlighting edition come out.

Moonlight is currently on release.

BRUCE WILLIS: ANDREW GARFIELD ‘HAS TOO MUCH HAIR’

HOLLYWOOD – Die Hard actor Bruce Willis today attacked Andrew Garfield for ‘having too much hair’.

Star of Silence and Hacksaw Ridge Andrew Garfield ‘has too much hair’, according to Bruce Willis. bruce willis

The Hudson Hawk and Moonlighting star told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s just not fair. I don’t even have any eyebrows anymore and here’s this guy, comes over to our country, with this luxurious bouffant! I mean, Jesus.

Willis’ comments were supported by Vin Diesel and Woody Harrelson, but Adam Driver defended the former Spider-Man:

Andy has a lot of hair sure, but I know for a fact that the hair that he catches in the plughole when he showers he donates to charities for hairless children in the developing world.

Silence is in theaters.

FIRST POSTER FOR DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster and synopsis for Die Hard 6 hit the internets today and caused a massive explosion which we walked away from without looking back.

Die Hard 6 is fast becoming a reality with the first poster, a synopsis and a photo from a key scene all becoming available EXCLUSIVELY via the Studio Exec. Bruce Willis came round to the Studio Exec bungalow personally ‘to shoot the sh*t’, but Woody Allen had just left and so we talked Die Hard 6 instead.

What will the new film be called?

We wanted to go original with this one. We’ve had the tall building, we’ve had the airport and New York. We even had cyber-space and Russia, but what we didn’t have was a winsome romantic comedy that will melt your heart and that was when we decided on Cameron Crowe as a director and Die Hard: We Bought a Zoo was born.

Amazing title. What’s the story?

It’s simple John McClane is sick of the same old shit happening to him time and time again. He really is ‘too old for this sh*t’. So he buys a farm and settles down with his first wife and new brood of kids.

That sounds like a real departure from the Die Hard formula. What…

But an international gang of East German Dentists want to shoot some trophies and the last surviving rhinoceros in the world, is in the McClane zoo. John McClane has to strap on the vest and the gun and go out and make sure those that want to destroy the zoo he bought, buy the farm! That’s one of the slogans we’re working on.die hard 6

What’s the other?

He was zoo keeping for a living. Now, he’s zoo keeping for his life!

They’re both winners.

I know, right. Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the chief dentist and Penelope Cruz is a South American orthodontist who has a change of heart.

Die Hard: We Bought A Zoo will be released in 2017.

Images courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

WHY BRUCE WILLIS WAS FIRED FROM WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

NEW YORK – Woody Allen today revealed for the first time why Bruce Willis left his new movie, even though shooting had already begun with the actor.

When Bruce Willis left the new Woody Allen as yet untitled movie, rumors immediately began to fly as to the reason. The official explanation was that it was due to scheduling problems as Willis was due to appear on Broadway in an adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. However, Woody Allen popped in to the Studio Exec New York penthouse to dish the dirt.

So Woody, how come Bruce left the new picture?

Oh he isn’t funny. The man is not funny. I remember him being wonderful in Moonlighting, a real light touch but something must have happened and he just hasn’t got it anymore. I thought he was good in Moonrise Kingdom as well. So when I was directing him, I said “how come you’re not funny? And you were funny in Moonrise Kingdom and Moonlighting, so what is it?” and he told me that he was only funny if there was a moon in the title. So I decided right there and then to change the title of the movie from Blintzes Ahoy! to Moon, but then someone told me there was already a movie called that and then someone else, I think it was Alan Alda told me that I’d made a film recently called Magic in the Moonlight, so I changed the title back! And goodbye Bruce.

Jesus! How’d he take it?

He was angry but I got the feeling that he was relieved. Rumor is he doesn’t really like working that much anyway. Turned out that Sylvester Stallone had fired him from Expendables 3 and I think Bruce just isn’t that interested anymore.

Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are still in the cast however and filming continues.

The Twilight Blintzes Network will be released in 2016.

ISLAMIC STATE TERRIFIED OF AN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

MOSUL – It was revealed today that the terrorist group Islamic State are terrified at the prospect there might be an Ice Bucket Challenge launched against them.

The radical Sunni Islamic sect Islamic State (aka IS, ISIS and ‘the greatest existential threat we’ve ever faced since that asteroid Bruce Willis gave his life destroying’, British PM David Cameron), it has emerged, is absolutely terrified of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge was launched in 2014 and effectively ended amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (aka Lou Gherig disease) within weeks of Steven Spielberg and assorted celebrities tipping water over themselves and challenging others to do the same. Now it is rumored that the force of the IBC is to be unleashed on the brutal terrorist group Islamic State, who now quiver with fear at the prospect of internet celebrity splashing.

The Studio Exec’s Middle East expert John Milius had this to say:

The threat of the Ice Bucket Challenge is two fold. First of all there is the huge weight of public opinion thrust against them. Essentially the Ice Bucket Challenge is the Fatwah of the Western World when it comes to this kind of shit. The second is that they will be nominated to actually do the Ice Bucket Challenge. These are hardened Jihadists, but they really hate the feeling of being doused in ice water. It’s why they live in Syria and Iraq to start with, and not Norway.

The chances of an Ice Bucket Challenge being launched in the next 32 minutes is currently 45%.

HIDDEN GEMS: 4. PULP FICTION

Hidden Gems is a series bringing to light little known filmic gems and rarities that have somehow managed to slip through the collective cinematic consciousness. You’re welcome. This week Pulp Fiction.

Don’t let the title put you off, this little known B-film ‘giallo’ Pulp Fiction by reclusive Italian neo-realist director Quentinio Tarantino is well worth seeking out.
Starring a cast of unknowns – Tarantino in one of the rare interviews he has given said he despised Hollywood celebrity – the film tells three inter-related stories of the ‘malavita’ of Los Angeles. Hitman Vince Vega is played with sleazy charm by newcomer John Travolta, whose dialogue was dubbed by Michael J. Fox so thick was his Calabrian accent. Murderous boxer Butch is played by Bruce Willis, a television actor who at the time had a hugely successful career as a recording artist. Now, alas, little seen.
The dialogue fizzes and the plot twists as effectively as Mia Wallace (Uma Furman [sic]) and Vince on the dance floor.
What happened to Tarantino and why he never made another film remain mysteries to this day.

CHARLES DICKENS’ SCREEN-WRITING RULEBOOK

LONDON – It was the best of films; it was the worst of films – that was my opinion of Danny Boyle’s Sunshine, but for why? For why? In a word, or if you’ll allow myself, Charles Dickens, a tired old Victorian novelist, an excess of the prescribed proverbial minimum, then in several words: the Ruddy Screenplay Messrs Boyle and Garland!

The late introduction of a preposterous villain, the insupportable shift of tone, the grinding abandonment of interesting premises and believable characters all showed a lack of rigour in the art of composition and so to avoid such future crimes to the eyes I have endeavoured with my small fund of knowledge to communicate to future generations these golden immutable rules of storytelling for the edification of the moving pictogram business.

  1. Names: names are all important and yet the execrable Jack Reacher, John McClaine even James Bond are all bland beyond the credence of even the most supine of spectators. Imagine if Jack Reacher had been entitled Jacob Recksnifflewick; how much more exciting would the Die Hard series (execrable title but I digress) have been had Bruce Willis played New York police officer Jonathan Piggleturd or imagine in the private magic lantern of your brain how the world of divertimento would be enlivened if 007 muttered ‘the name’s Bond, Jazandapus Bond.’ If anyone proffers the argument that these names are not realistic I would ask them to explain their point in person to my best friend Augustus Egg.
  2. The Three Act structure:  There has been so much hogwash, piffle-cakes and poppycock written about this concept that it makes one tug at one’s fore whiskers until they smart. So let us be clear. It is not a THREE act structure but a Thirty Seven Chapter structure that works so well. Read Bleak House, read Great Expectations, read The Pickwick Papers and you will see this rule in perfect action.
  3. Humor: Yes, I’m looking at you Herr. Haneke. Humor is an important ingredient in writing popular entertainment of any kind, be it light theatre, newspaper sketches or long, long novels. Be sure and put in plenty of jokes. Wake the blighters up with some blarney about a missing pound note or a drunken ombudsman.
  4. Kill a child: We’re all a sentimental lot and love a good cry. Nothing works so well as a beautiful innocent child dying of some undefined disease which starts off as the merest of coughs. You’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand. Breathlessly asking after Little Nell as if she were a real person and not the invention of genius.

Well, I hope I have been of some modest assistance. If you have more need of me feel free to address your enquiries to the comments box below.

RIAN JOHNSON TO REMAKE LOOPER


HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self.

‘I made it all wrong,’ said Johnson. ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson said that the plot mechanics of time traveller were so complicated and convoluted that he was unable to properly explain many of the parts of his own film, but he admitted the only way to do justice to the story was to use real time travel.  ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self. The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson. Rian Johnson. Looper Paul Dano.
Bruce.