The Queen – Top Five Films

Exclusive – The Queen – Top Five Films. The Studio Exec sat down with Liz Regina to talk about her love of movies, revealing The Queen’s top Five Films. 



The Queen – Top Five Films – 1: Flesh Gordon

“I told that mouthy sod, Brian Blessed that I loved Flesh Gordon, not Flash Gordon. Perhaps he would’ve heard me if he could keep his mouth shut for longer than a second. Why would he think I’d like a film about an out of date monarch who is overthrown by his subjects and a bloody asylum seeker? I’ve always loved 80s soft porn. So, back in the day, I would send Phillip, gawd bless him, out to the video shop down the road from Horse Guard’s Parade to rent it for me. In his name, naturally. One does have one’s reputation to maintain, you know.”

The Queen – Top Five Films – 2: 120 Days Of Sodom

“Whenever one needs cheering up or could just do with a damned good laugh, we throw this beauty on. It’s about these jolly aristocrats with a terrific sense of humor who play all sorts of pranks and jokes on these lower class youths. It’s like Jackass, but with more shit being eaten by the working classes… hilarious!”

3: The Pope Must Die

“It’s a firm family favorite, because of the title alone. After I’ve done the speech on Christmas Day, we all settle down for this hilarious fantasy. If only, eh?”

4: The Queen

“It’s all about a terrible time in one’s life when one was played by that dreadful West End bohemian, Helen Mirren. Because I didn’t shoot a stag, it means I’m really a decent person and everybody loves one.”

5: Lolita

“I never used to see what my middle son Andrew, saw in the film, but I’ve caught him watching it countless times. It must be very funny, because he always has sweat running down his big red face whenever one walks in on him watching it.”

So gawd bless her, cor blimey, watcher guv.

BRIAN BLESSED TO DUB ALL TOM HARDY ROLES

HOLLYWOOD – Brian Blessed is to dub all Tom Hardy films from now on.

Mumbling heartthrob actor Tom Hardy is to be voiced by loud national treasure, Brian Blessed.

Veteran actor Blessed, made the announcement today by opening his bedroom window from his house at the peak of Kilimanjaro and shouted: ‘GOOD DAY EVERYBODY, DON’T BE ALARMED, IT IS JUST I, BRIAN BLESSED. GORDON’S ALIVE!’ bellowed the actor, shattering windows for hundreds of miles around.

‘I AM DELIGHTED TO ANNOUNCE I WILL BE THE VOICE YOU HEAR WHENEVER YOU WATCH A TOM HARDY FILM FROM NOW ON. NOBODY CAN UNDERSTAND A BLOODY WORD THE POOR LAD SAYS, SO THEY BROUGHT ME IN TO MAKE SURE WE CAN ALL UNDERSTAND HIM FROM NOW ON. GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘I’M NOT DOING ANY BLOODY ACCENTS, MIND YOU. BECAUSE, WHEN YOU PAY FOR BRIAN, YOU GET BRIAN. FOR EXAMPLE, HERE IS ME IN TOM’S LAST FILM, CAPONE, AHEM,

“HELLO I AM AL CAPONE. OH NO, I JUST SHAT ME PANTS.” AND SCENE, GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘HERE I AM BEING BOTH RON AND REGGIE KRAY IN LEGEND,

“HELLO REGGIE, I’M RONNIE” “NO, I’M RONNIE, YOU’RE REGGIE. “WHAT?” “EH?” “OH NO, WE BOTH JUST SHAT OUR PANTS!” AND SCENE, GORDON’S ALIVE!’

‘ANYWAY, YOU GET THE IDEA. YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE FINALLY BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD THE POOR BOY SAYS. PEACE OUT. GORDON’S ALIVE!’

In support of this bold new move, Tom Hardy released the following statement:

‘Mumble mumble. Murmur murmur. Mumble. Murmur. Mumble murmur.’

Tom Hardy’s next film will be a remake of The Horse Whisperer, directed by Michael Bay.

47 FILMS: 18. FLASH GORDON

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at the Dino De Laurentiis produced space opera Flash Gordon.

Flash Gordon was the Saturday morning serial of choice. Buster Crabbe would forever be getting into scrapes and with the help with some dubious editing would manage to escape the next day. Everything was hokey but at the same time the special effects weren’t half bad. Certainly stand comparison with CGI circa 1994. 1995. 1996. You get the idea. The movie version has a long history of near misses with some of the most illustrious directors being attached at one time or another to an adaptation of the Alex Raymond comic strip. George Lucas was going to do it before basically doing it as Star Wars. Federico Fellini had bought an option to make it but never got round to it: he appears in the film as the name of Ornella Muti’s pet alien. Nicolas Roeg was hired and then fired and Sergio Leone was even asked to come in, but turned it down.

In the end Mike Hodges – most famous for the grim English noir Get Carter – was hired to film a script by Lorenzo Semple who had cut his teeth on the original Batman TV show. It aims for the same tone of camp comedy with Chaim Topol’s mad scientist Dr. Zarkof kidnapping amiable knucklehead Flash Gordon (Sam Jones) and Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and flying them to Mars in a rocket ship. Here they encounter Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow’s best role ever) who sentences Flash to death and decides to marry Dale. Flash is saved because agreeable nymphomaniac Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) takes a shine to him. Uniting the birdmen and the woodland folk, led by Timothy Dalton and Brian Blessed respectively, Flash is set to turn the tables on Ming, all to the sound of Britain’s best pub rock band Queen, thumping and camping away in the background.

The film is a glorious mess with no one taking it seriously. There was a porn parody Flesh Gordon (soon to be remade by Matthew Vaughn), but the risque humor on display here and the unbelievably sexy Ornella Muti really means it was surplus to requirement. Following Aura’s capture and whipping, Peter Wyngarde as Klytus purrs ‘She seemed to enjoy it!’

The special effects are cheesy and the dialogue so tongue in cheek that Sam Jones’ performance was almost entirely dubbed by another actor. There is an affection and nostalgia built into the film as well that makes it a pleasure to return to even if the film never quite makes up its mind to be an out and out comedy or an exciting action adventure.

For more of our 47 Films to See Before You’re Murdered in Your Dreams,Click HERE.

MY FAVORITE FILM: MAGGIE SMITH

HOLLYWOOD – My Favorite Film gives actors and film makers a chance to talk about what they love at the cinema. Today, Maggie Smith. 

Although I do enjoy acting in films – you might have seen me in those wretched Harry Potter efforts or that pile of wiffle waffle The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – I much prefer to sit at home with a nice milky cup of tea, my pet moggy on my lap and a plate of ginger snap biscuits to hand and watch my favourite movie: A Serbian Film.

It came out in 2010 and caused quite the stir, with its scenes of sexual violence and torture, but the acting is exquisite and many of the jokes provoke what Brian Blessed used to call ‘belly laughs’. The story revolves around an out of work actor of adult entertainment – I know we lovies simply adore films that explore ‘the Craft’ – who is lured back to the world of red light cinema to make a film of simply hilarious brutality. 

Many seem shocked by A Serbian Film on its release and some even spoke of banning it, to which I say ‘piffle!’ If you’d shared a dressing room with Helen Mirren and Judi Dench – as I have -then you would think the scenes in the film depicted nothing stronger than a teddy bear’s picnic. The value of the film comes from its political anger at the present state of Serbia, and it also has lashings of gory fun!

Five Stars *****