POLICE RAID CINEMA CLUBS ACROSS UK

Police raid cinema clubs across the UK in Fight Club-esque scenes. In shocking scenes across the UK, police raid cinema clubs that have been operating in underground facilities. As police raid cinema clubs around the country in scenes similar to Fight Club, The Exec has this following report:


The First Rule Of Cinema Club

Underground warehouses, bar basements and disused churches have all been raided by SWAT style armed police in the last 48 hours. The raids have been a coordinated effort by the authorities to break up the underground organisation known as ‘Cinema Club’. But who is behind it all? Those arrested have so far remained tight lipped about the organisation and its leadership.

 

The Second Rule Of Cinema Club

Rumours of the mysterious organisation have been rife over the last few weeks as the English government has clamped down on ‘Non-Brexit Approved Culture’, banning the works of European film makers such as Truffaut, Almodovar, Haneke and Fellini. English cinemas are now only allowed to show mainstream Hollywood films about straight white men with guns, the entire James Bond franchise and the films of Guy Ritchie, which are predominantly also just about straight white men with guns.

 

I Am Jack’s Tati

In response to this extreme policy, Cinema Club has been raging cinematic guerrilla warfare by showing European and Arthouse films in unauthorized venues across the country. A disused swimming pool in Manchester that was raided was showing Fellini’s 8 & 1/2. Whereas Jacques Tati’s Playtime was shown in a dilapidated Budgens convenience store in Oxford. Scenes that resemble The Battle Of Algiers as cinema fans runs scared from the police. But in Scunthorpe rather than Algiers, and nobody dies.

 

We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure

Nobody truly knows who is behind this clandestine cine-ster organization. One theory suggest disgruntled ODEON employees. Some believe it’s a Film Studies grad, rejected too often by Empire. There are even some who believe Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins are behind it and are in fact the same person. Whoever is behind Cinema Club, they are out there somewhere. They’re the hero everyone deserves but not the hero everyone needs right now. Eh? What does that even mean?

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

AFTER BREXIT CHILDREN OF MEN RECLASSIFIED AS DOCUMENTARY

LONDON – Following the shock result of the UK referendum to leave the European Union, the dystopian satire Children of Men has been reclassified as a documentary.

The British Film Institute has reclassified Alfonso Cuaron’s 2006 dystopian satire Children of Men following the Brexit result of the UK referendum on the European Union. A spokesperson for the BFI said:

The thing is we originally thought that the racism and hatred towards immigrants shown in Cuaron’s film was over the top, but actually we see that it is the driving thought of most little Englanders, of who there are much more than we realized.

But why is the BFI making such a political stance?

Well, did you like An Education? Or Hunger? Or Macbeth, Nanny McPhee, Amy, or Tinker Tailor, Soldier ,Spy? Or Game of Thrones? Or Under the Skin, or Pride, or Berbarian Sound Studio?

I didn’t like Nanny McPhee.

But did you like The Lobster, fish Tank, Belle? Shaun the Sheep?

Yes.

Then those were all made with vital help from the EU Media fund which paid the UK over 130 million pounds over the last decade. That won’t be there anymore.

Oh.

Exactly.

Children of Men star Clive Owen.

GEORGE MILLER WON’T MAKE MAD MAX: BREXIT

LONDON – Mad Max director George Miller has turned down the opportunity to make Mad Max: Brexit.

George Miller rejected an offer by the UK government to set his next Mad Max film in Britain.

A source close to the director told the Studio Exec:

We’ve had approaches from Prime Minister Teresa May’s office. They were actually quite detailed. They showed a post-Apocalyptic, post-Brexit world in which the economy has crashed and social order has broken down. The English countryside is ruled by gangs of marauding UKIPers and Corbynistas gone feral. Although this seems an exciting and credible storyline, the fact of the matter is we’re all just so bored of Brexit now. Who cares? Really?

The government however have responded that they are willing to do anything to attract foreign investment. A source close to the British Prime Minister told the EXEC:

We think that Britain would be the perfect setting for a Mad Max movie. Not only because of the possibility of the story. Let’s face it with unemployment back on the way up and a collapse in social services, life is going to be fairly cheap. No need to waste money on stuntmen and expensive extras. Plus we’ll be rid of all those terrible EU rules and regulations about ‘not killing people’ and not burning people alive in gasoline’.

Mad Max: Brexit is still in the development stage.

GAME OF THRONES WRITERS FLOWN TO UK TO REWRITE REFERENDUM

LONDON – The team that brought you Game of Thrones are being flown into Great Britain in an attempt to rewrite the EU referendum as the country slides into chaos.

Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are flying to the UK by the British Government in a last ditch effort to rewrite the last five days of UK storyline. David Cameron announced the decision this morning, having watched the last episode of Season 6 of Game of Thrones.

I got the idea after having watched the episode and thinking how good it was to see Jon Snow alive again. In fact, the boys have done a magnificent job of putting their heroes in some terrible predicaments and then at the last minute getting them out of their scrapes. I don’t know what they will suggest: it could be a red wedding or the birth of dragons, but frankly anything is better than letting the Tory Hordor, Boris Johnson loose.

The move was welcomed by many in the country who have come to regret their voting to leave the EU and many in Europe have called on Brussels to slow the process while it is seen what the Game of Thrones writers come up with. Leader of UKIP Nigel Farage said that the move was without precedent and unpatriotic. He, however, did say that he would support a move to get George RR Martin involved:

He would come up with a plot where all your favorite people are killed and as I’m not anyone’s favorite, I think I’d be pretty safe.

However, it was revealed that George RR Martin was already in London writing the script for the Labour Party.

More news as it comes in.

COULD SOKOVIA BE THE NEXT COUNTRY TO LEAVE THE EU?

BRUSSELS – Following the shock Brexit result of the UK’s EU referendum, small European republic Sokovia looks to be the next country to abandon the European Union.

The result of the Brexit referendum is still reverberating around Europe with many shocked and the far right across Europe clamoring for their own referendums to leave. In France Marie Le Pen has already called for Frexit, but the most likely to go first is the small central European republic of Sokovia.

Our Sokovia correspondent writes:

Everywhere the vote to leave the EU on the part of the English has been a surprise but here in Sokovia there is widespread belief that this small European nation will be the next to leave the EU.

Why is sentiment so strong?

Mainly because the Sokovians have always felt that they have been abandoned after Ultron attacked them and lifted their capital city high up into the atmosphere and then the Avengers blew it up.

But what has this to do with the EU?

Not very much but the Sokovians can’t vote to exit from the Avengers, can they?

Sokovia will go to the ballot box in August.

BRITAIN TO HOLD THE PURGE REFERENDUM

LONDON – Following the success of the Brexit campaign, The United Kingdom Independence Party is proposing a new referendum to introduce the Purge as an annual measure.

The United Kingdom Independence Party (or UKIP) has announced a new referendum to introduce the Purge. Party leader Nigel Farage spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

I saw the film The Purge and I said, ‘where’s my pad and pen? These are some good ideas.’ The idea would be for all the good people, the ordinary people, to be able to get rid of all the people who aren’t good or ordinary. You know the experts and thinkers and the immigrants and refugees and all that. You see why do people come to Britain now? Why do we have all these refugees? Because they’re fleeing violence and terror. So if we have a bit of violence and terror in Britain as well, then perhaps they’ll think twice.

But that’s a terrible idea. The film is supposed to be a dystopia.

And that’s exactly what we want in the United Kingdom now that we’re free of the vile Brussels dominance. More dystopia and less liberal whining.

But no one will vote for this. It’s against their own interests. Nigel stop laughing this is serious.

I know, I know. It’s just that’s what everyone said the last time. It’s not like we’ll be telling them the truth.

The Purge Election Day will be released later this year.