INDIANA JONES 5 TITLE REVEALED

BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title. 

The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.

Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin

After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.

Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid

“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”

Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites

“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.

Indy / Unbreakable Crossover

Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”

 

More on this as it / he breaks.

KEVIN JAMES MOVIE CAREER DECLARED ILLEGAL

BREAKING NEWS – Kevin James movie career is declared illegal.

In a shock bill that has been passed by the federal government with no resistance from Democrats or Republicans, POTUS has signed the bill that now makes the Kevin James movie career illegal.


Ask Not What Comedy Can Do For You


The federal law that has been passed will hunt down and prosecute any company or individuals who attempt to write, produce, finance or perform in any comedy that stars Kevin James. The crime is punishable by a maximum sentence of 20 years that can be imposed. President Biden is quoted as saying, ‘Jill and I sat down to watch TV the other night and we caught the first 20 minutes of Paul Blart Mall Cop, and poor Jill hasn’t stopped vomiting since. It’s truly awful stuff. I vowed to unite the country and dag-nabbit, this is the one thing we can all get behind.’

 

But What You Can Do For Comedy

 

Local state laws have also been passed nationwide whereby the viewing of any Kevin James movie will be a misdemeanor offence with harsher corporate fiscal penalties for stations and companies broadcasting or distributing the outlawed back catalogue.

 

Sorry As Shit


Kevin James appeared on nationwide TV, under house arrest to read a brief statement of contrition. ‘I want to take this opportunity to apologize for my films. I can see now what upset and harm they have caused to so many people. This will make me become a better person. I will re-educate myself on what decent people actually find funny.’

 

At that point he fell over into a paddling pool full of whipped cream. He then slipped several times whilst trying to stand up. Then, with a familiar glazed expression staring into camera, farted. He was then restrained by several federal agents. He was taken away under armed guard to an undisclosed location where he will face trial.

 

More on this story as it breaks.

MILEY CYRUS RECORDS BEATLES TRIBUTE ALBUM

HOLLYWOOD – Miley Cyrus has rocked, shocked and cocked the world at the VMAs but now she wants to show her musical maturity with an album of Beatles covers that will explore her amazing musical range. The full track list is after the jump.

1. We Can Twerk it Out
2. With a Little Anal Sex (From My Friends)
3. A Twerking Class Hero (Is Something To Be)
4. Hey Prude (for Will Smith en famille)
5. Twerk and Shout!
6. Please Please Please Please Me
7. Can Buy Me Love
8. Being for the Benefit of Mr. Twerk
9. Norwegian Wood (This Twerk Has Flown)

10. Everybody’s Got Something to Twerk (Except for Me and My Monkey)

11. All You Need Is Twerk

Miley Cyrus Twerks the Beatles is due for release in September 2013.