LONDON – After much speculation, the BBC are due to announce that Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston will replace Peter Capaldi as the lead in Doctor Who.
“We looked at many potential candidates,” said the new showrunner, Chris Chibnall.
Michael Caine expressed an interest but no company would insure him and for a while we toyed with the idea of Jean Dujardin but discovered to our surprise that he was French. Personally I like the idea of a European doctor but under British law everyone who plays the role must be able to trace their English heritage back to Alfred The Great. Fortunately we discovered a clause which allows an American born Doctor as long as his name is Bryan Cranston.
Chibnall went on to say that Cranston was never considered for the part until a late night brainstorming session in March.
We were throwing around ideas about how the regeneration would work and couldn’t figure it out. Then somebody mentioned Breaking Bad and what a great show it was and suddenly it clicked. What if Walter White was a Time Lord? He could use the Tardis as a mobile meth lab, he already has an assistant in the shape of Jesse Pinkman and they could both travel in time, doing drug deals and murdering their rivals. I mean the series practically writes itself!
Chibnall immediately got in touch with Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan to ask his advice:
Vince gave me some great tips. Obviously I can’t reveal what will happen but it’s going to blow people’s minds. What I will say though is that if you’ve ever wondered what Gus Fring/The Master would look like if he was resurrected from the dead using Dalek DNA, then you’re in for a treat.
Asked what the BBC’s reaction was to the idea of turning their flagship family show into a violent crime drama, Chibnall laughed:
A few concerns were raised in a meeting but then I scratched some figures down on a piece of paper estimating how much money they could make by syndicating the show. 24 hours later, they gave me 10 million pounds and bought me a yacht.
The 13th Doctor will be revealed on Sunday
The show that everyone can’t and won’t stop taking about will end forever (probably) in a few days and the people of the world will have a free hour slot in their week to work on that cure for the common cold or find a new series to become addicted to.
The Studio Exec himself will be distraught when Breaking Bad finally dismantles it’s meth lab because we’ll have nothing left to write about. Hell, we’ll be forced to write stupid articles about Tom Hanks‘ ass hair or something. Actually that’s not a bad premise for a piece but we’ll leave that for another day.
So in the spirit of milking a teat until it’s bone dry over the next few days we’ll be posting various alternate endings to the series.
Will White and Pinkman finally consummate their relationship?
Will Skylar and Marie do a Thelma and Louise?
Will Hank be resurrected a 1000 years in the future to fight crime in a world inhabited by Dog Men?
Let’s find out shall we?
Breaking Bad Alternate Ending 1
Walter returns from exile with an oversized machine gun to take revenge on everyone he has ever met in his entire life. First he visits the home of the kid who stole his marbles in kindergarten and sprays him with lead and moves on to pop caps in the asses of various people who’ve done him wrong.
The Gym teacher who made him play football in his pants, a mail man who delivered his copy of MAD magazine to the wrong address and a bunch of prissy girls who wouldn’t let him finger them behind the science lab.
With a spring in his step and a glint in his eye he shoots those people he started the company with who everyone had forgotten about until they appeared as a convenient plot device in the last episode. Then Marie for being generally sour faced. Eventually he strolls into Uncle Jacks yard carrying an extra large pepperoni , riddles everyone there with bullets, except for Todd who he kills with a crude but efficient meth bomb which makes the child-killing psycho’s face melt like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant.
Eventually Walt ends up in a stand off with Pinkman who shoots him several times in the chest. Unfortunately for Jesse after months of malnourishment he decides to grab a slice of the pepperoni before riding off into the sunset only to discover it has been laced with Ricin . Pinkman’s brains start to drip from his nose and he falls to the ground foaming at the mouth. The last camera shot is of Walt and Jesse laying on the ground side by side dying. They both say sorry and die in each others arms.
Fade to Black.
Much crying ensues.