HOLLYWOOD – In a moment of rare political cooperation, congressional Republicans have rushed through a last minute bill providing federal funding for the establishment of Breaking Bad support groups aimed at combating the ill effects of withdrawal from Vince Gilligan’s Emmy winning AMC show.
The legislation was rushed through both houses before the government shut down came into effect and received overwhelming majorities in both bodies. John Boehner and Harry Reid met at the eleventh hour to thrash out the details of the bill which will see the immediate institution of federally funded Breaking Bad Reach Out Groups. A joint statement read:
There are times when even in the midst of bitter political dispute all branches of government must come together in a display of national unity.
The move is not unprecedented. After the attack on Pearl Harbor, the death of Bobby Ewing and the finale of The Sopranos, similar bi-partisan moves have been taken. However, lawmakers made it clear that such unity could only be shown when the matter was of the highest priority and as for providing health care or balancing the budget, Boehner said ‘that shit was trivial by comparison’.
Please consult local government websites for your nearest Breaking Bad Support Group.
The show that everyone can’t and won’t stop taking about will end forever (probably) in a few days and the people of the world will have a free hour slot in their week to work on that cure for the common cold or find a new series to become addicted to.
The Studio Exec himself will be distraught when Breaking Bad finally dismantles it’s meth lab because we’ll have nothing left to write about. Hell, we’ll be forced to write stupid articles about Tom Hanks‘ ass hair or something. Actually that’s not a bad premise for a piece but we’ll leave that for another day.
So in the spirit of milking a teat until it’s bone dry over the next few days we’ll be posting various alternate endings to the series.
Will White and Pinkman finally consummate their relationship?
Will Skylar and Marie do a Thelma and Louise?
Will Hank be resurrected a 1000 years in the future to fight crime in a world inhabited by Dog Men?
Let’s find out shall we?
Breaking Bad Alternate Ending 1
Walter returns from exile with an oversized machine gun to take revenge on everyone he has ever met in his entire life. First he visits the home of the kid who stole his marbles in kindergarten and sprays him with lead and moves on to pop caps in the asses of various people who’ve done him wrong.
The Gym teacher who made him play football in his pants, a mail man who delivered his copy of MAD magazine to the wrong address and a bunch of prissy girls who wouldn’t let him finger them behind the science lab.
With a spring in his step and a glint in his eye he shoots those people he started the company with who everyone had forgotten about until they appeared as a convenient plot device in the last episode. Then Marie for being generally sour faced. Eventually he strolls into Uncle Jacks yard carrying an extra large pepperoni , riddles everyone there with bullets, except for Todd who he kills with a crude but efficient meth bomb which makes the child-killing psycho’s face melt like a Nazi opening the Ark of the Covenant.
Eventually Walt ends up in a stand off with Pinkman who shoots him several times in the chest. Unfortunately for Jesse after months of malnourishment he decides to grab a slice of the pepperoni before riding off into the sunset only to discover it has been laced with Ricin . Pinkman’s brains start to drip from his nose and he falls to the ground foaming at the mouth. The last camera shot is of Walt and Jesse laying on the ground side by side dying. They both say sorry and die in each others arms.
Fade to Black.
Much crying ensues.
HOLLYWOOD – Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan confirmed this morning that he is currently writing a spin-off to the popular AMC show based on the character of deceased Crystal Meth kingpin Gustavo Fring.
“I wanted to do something different” said an animated Gilligan
But every time I sat down to write I kept thinking about Gustavo and what a great character he was. Originally I thought about going down the science fiction road. His disembodied head would be reanimated by a mad scientist who wants to take over the Meth business Walt leaves behind when he is taken up by the Aliens in the mother ship at the end of Breaking Bad. The scientists aim was for Fring’s head to act in an advisory capacity but of course, Gus being Gus, he eventually ends up running the show. I liked the idea but the more I wrote the more I realised I was going to need a 200 million dollar budget to make it work and I wanted to work on a smaller scale. It was then I decided to do a prequel and base the show on the adventures of a young Gustavo and how he first got into the chicken and drugs business.
Asked whether Giancarlo Esposito would be reprising his role Gilligan smiled.
“There’s no Gustavo Fring without Giancarlo”said Gilligan.
It’s his role and it wouldn’t be the same without him but that doesn’t mean he is the only actor we have in mind. Giancarlo could get away with playing the character in his 30’s and beyond but for the flashback scenes of him as a much younger man we need another guy and we think we’ve found the perfect candidate. Zac Efron. Now I know some will consider that to be a controversial choice but let me put it this way. Giancarlo is an African American born in Denmark and Gus is from Chile so there is no reason why a white guy from California can’t also play him. Zac is very talented he’s spent the last month working in a KFC to prepare for the role and has already been promoted to the fries section.
Episode one of ‘Fring’ is due to air on AMC in 2015