BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.

Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First

Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.

‘I Was Once Superman… Once’

He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.

Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!

If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.

Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly


HOLLYWOOD – This just in – Superman will be the latest franchise to get the reboot treatment

Mere days after Man of Steel broke box office records worldwide, Warner Bros. has decided to reboot Superman again. The entire cast of Man of Steel is due to be replaced and the writers are going back to the drawing board.

A spokesperson said:

 We almost got it right, but as you can see from the mixed reaction the film has received from audiences and critics alike, we still have some work to do. But Man of Steel has definitely reignited interest in Superman again, that much is clear, so we want to strike while the iron is hot. Seven years between Superman Returns and Man of Steel was simply too long and we don’t want to make that same mistake again.

Christopher Nolan and writer David S. Goyer will once again be on board as producer and writer although director Zack Snyder will not be returning to the franchise. It is unclear at this point who will be helming the reboot but the names Michael Bay, McG and Tim Burton (who were all attached to Superman projects at one stage or another) have been mentioned as possibilities. Even Christopher Nolan hasn’t ruled himself out yet.

What we DO know at this point is that the film will be another origin story and will feature Lex Luthor as the main villain, but we shouldn’t rule out another appearance from General Zod either.

The spokesperson continued:

Origin stories are big business, just as Man of Steel, The Amazing Spider-Man, Batman Begins and Iron Man proved. We know they work so why bother trying to come up with a fresh idea for a sequel when you can just hit the reset button and do another origin story instead? It’s also a great way of keeping overheads down as we can cast an unknown in the title role who won’t be looking for an exorbitant fee! Just look at the trouble Marvel and Disney are having with Robert Downey Jr.

The news came as a huge shock to actor Henry Cavill, who is currently in the Far East, still on promotional duties for Man of Steel. It is far too early to say who will be playing the coveted title role but rumour has it that Brandon Routh may be in with another shot.

“It will save us a lot of money on casting and he needs the work,” the spokesperson said.

The Superman reboot will be out as soon as humanly possible.