CHELSEA MANNING FILM PLANNED SOMETIME IN THE NEXT TEN YEARS

HOLLYWOOD – Chelsea Manning – the army Private who was today sentenced to 35 years in prison for disgustingly leaking video of the honourable and totally reasonable murder of innocent journalists and stuff – will be the subject of a new Hollywood film in about ten years or so, once the fuss dies down.

Jim Sturgess/Kirsten Stewart – or someone who in ten years time will be roughly the equivalent of Jim Sturgess/Kirsten Stewart – will play the dirty traitorous spineless cowardly traitor, who in ten years time will be seen as a courageous, independently minded and deeply moral hero and will likely win an Oscar and get a standing ovation from a lot of people who are very quiet at the moment.

Steven Soderbergh, who will have come out of retirement about seven times in the interval, will argue that Chelsea Manning is ‘an American hero’ and everyone will go ‘oh yeah’.

American Hero: The Chelsea Manning Story will be released in 2023 to universal acclaim.

HILARY SWANK OFFERS TO EXECUTE BRADLEY MANNING

PENTAGON – Hollywood’s most enthusiastic supporter of extra-judicial killing and human rights abuse Hilary Swank today launched a baffling attack on Pvt. Bradley Manning, who was found guilty of espionage after having leaked confidential material. 

Although charges of aiding the enemy – which potentially carried the death penalty – have been dropped,  Swank said that she was quite happy to off the whistle blower regardless. 

Put me in a room with him and no windows. Something else will be leaking soon enough. 

Some have claimed that Swank’s ire comes from the fact the Maggie Gyllenhaal forgot to invite her to the ‘I am Bradley Manning’ video shoot.   

The Homesman is released in 2013.