GEORGE CLOONEY TO PLAY DEL BOY IN ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – George Clooney cast as Del Boy in Hollywood version of Only Fools and Horses.

The news rocked the film world today that George Clooney is to star in the Hollywood version of the classic BBC comedy Only Fools and Horses. A remake has been in the works for years but many thought it would never see the light of day after Warner Bros cancelled Ridley Scott’s five hour version. Mr Nespresso – as he prefers to be known – talked exclusively with the Studio Exec:

The thing is that in England you want to play Hamlet. Every actor does. Because that’s the role. That’s the role where you prove how good you are. Del Boy is exactly that kind of role. To be honest we used to watch Only Fools and Horses when we on set shooting ER and I would always say: Christ, if only… Me and Anthony Edwards would memorizes whole routines. And we’d just go. So this is a dream come true for me.

George Clooney is also taking the director’s chair hoping that this time he’ll win back some of the credibility he lost with Midnight Sky, and Monuments Men, and Leatherheads. The original series starred David Jason as the London conman and wide boy who makes his money with a thousand dodgy schemes, helped by his hapless younger brother Rodney.

Clooney was all over the casting like a rash.

Casting Rodney is the most important thing. Yes, Del Boy is the star, but without a Rodney to match him. What Nicholas Lyndhurst did with that role…! I mean, we all love Goodnight Sweetheart, but compared to Rodney it was like a puddle of sick versus a chicken korma. Luckily Brad Pitt loved the script.

Only Fools and Horses The Motion Picture hits screens in 2022.

MATT DAMON STOPPED SHITTING IN PUBLIC

BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.

 

So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?

 


I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.

 


How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.

 


Jesus.

You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!

 

Stillwater is currently in theatres.

MATT DAMON ATE PANDA MEAT

The Studio Exec breaks the shocking news Matt Damon ate Panda meat. The Ocean’s 13 star Matt Damon ate panda meat first while filming the action fantasy The Great Wall in China, and he doesn’t care who knows it.


We spoke to Matt recently while he publicized his upcoming all action construction-based TV blockbuster show, The Bourne Condominium.

 

Matt, tell us what The Bourne Condominium will be about?

It’s like this see, Jason Bourne has finally retired from all that spy shit and running about. He’s made his money and decides to build his dream condo. It has everything you could want. It’s the fucking tits, the cat’s ass. It has a hot tub, panda grill, walk-in wardrobe, under floor heating and an outdoor Tiki bar. So he starts off by buying the land-

 

Just one second Matt. What did you say?

Whassup?

 

Did you say, Panda grill?

Uh-huh. Sure.

 

Is Panda Grill a company name?

No man. It’s part of my cooker. The part I use to grill my Panda meat.

 

Are you telling us that Matt Damon ate Pandas?

Why does everyone always ask me that question with that look on their face? Look, it’s perfectly simple. When I was filming The Great Wall in China, I was given a VIP tour of a Panda sanctuary. I hadn’t had my Golden Grahams or Fruit Loops that morning and I was starving. The head keeper started telling me about how they feed them on bamboo and sugar cane. That got me thinking, if they eat all that sugar cane, their meat must be really sweet and tender. I’m salivating now just saying it.

 

 

What happened after that?

I asked the keeper of I could have something to eat, I gave him a wink and he knew what I meant. One AK-47 and a good panda grill later, I was eating like a king. So now, I gotta guy down in Florida who scores me top grade Panda meat. All my friends love it. George, Brad, Kristen and even Gwynny. They love nothing more than coming over for a good grill-up.

(L to R) Matt, George and Brad – Meat Heads

 

Do they know they’re eating butchered endangered species?

Umm, yeah, why not? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it to them. Once, maybe. Who knows? Look, if you get invited over to someone’s home for dinner and they go to the effort of illegally importing endangered species meat, then it would be a bit rude to start asking questions about it. It ain’t easy cooking Panda y’know. If it’s too rare, it’s all rubbery. Cook it for too long and it’s like shoe leather. You got to have it medium-rare. Mmm, pandalicious.

 

Ok, I think we’re done here. Thank you for your time Matt.

No worries man. You hungry? You can stay for dinner, if you want.

 

Umm, yeah alright then.

WHAT DOES BRAD PITT SMELL LIKE? WE FINALLY HAVE THE FACTS

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can finally reveal what Brad Pitt smells of.

The Exec has spent years interviewing various close friends, colleagues and ex-partners in order to definitively catalogue what Brad Pitt smells of throughout various stages of his career.

In Space No One Can Hear You Shit

Ridley Scott told us, “Eee bugger me, all those years ago back in ’91 when we made Thelma & Louise, Brad were nowt but an ankle biter. He amused himself between takes by using that hair dryer to blow his own farts over to Geena Davis. He’d lie on his back, pull his legs over his head and shout INCOMING! We all knew what were coming, so we’d tell Geena cameras were rolling and leave her to it. She were a right trooper, that lass.”

Brad Pitt Smells Of Kentucky Fart Chicken

Several years later, Juliette Lewis, his co-star on the violent thriller, Kalifornia explained, “By this point, Brad was a genuine big shot sex symbol. So he’d stopped all his on-set farting. He kept his ass tighter than a gnat’s chuff. You couldn’t get a credit card between them cheeks for the whole shoot. He ate nothing but KFC family buckets and stank of 11 different herbs and spices. But to this day, I couldn’t tell you what they were.”

Dirty Bastard

While filming his Oscar nominated role in Twelve Monkeys, director Terry Gilliam revealed, “To get that twitchy look perfected, Pitt ate nothing but Nice’N’Spicy Nik Naks. His breath stank of them the whole time. Turned his shit bright orange. Just ask the costume department, they had to clean the luminous skids out of his costume three times a day. Dirty bastard.”

Prolapsed

Close friend and confidant, George Clooney explained, “When we filmed the first Ocean’s film, it was hard boiled eggs. After years and years of method eating to help with his performances, his guts were rancid. Dumb mother fucker took to eating nothing but hard boiled eggs to try and firm everything up down there. Binding, y’know what I mean? Anyways, he was meant to be the one doing the acrobatics in the vault scene. But when we came to shoot his first somersault, his asshole prolapsed all over the set. It was a real mess down there. We had to suspend shooting for two weeks. One week for Brad to get his guts tucked back in his asshole and another week for the clean-up and fumigation of the set. Have you ever smelled half-digested hard boiled eggs shat out onto a million dollar movie set? It ain’t no walk in the park, I can tell ya.”

Ocean’s Number 2 – Electric Portaloo

“Ocean’s Twelve wasn’t much of an improvement. He was on a liquid only diet of curried vegetable smoothies. It stopped him farting as he couldn’t ever trust one not to be in colour. That slowed up the shoot because when he had to go, he had to go if you know what I mean. It was in his contract that a Portaloo had to constantly be within 15 yards of him on-set. Pretty tricky when you’re shooting in a moving car. That Portaloo sure did stink, but not as much as getting Julia Roberts to play someone playing her. What the fuck was that about?”

Fresh Air

“Ocean’s 13 was a much simpler time. Brad was doing the Atkin’s Diet by then, so it was just high protein, meaty farts. After Ocean’s 12, that was like a breath of fresh air.”

Secret Shitty Shame

We leave the last word to Brad Pitt’s ex-partner, star of Office Space and the TV show Friends, Jennifer Aniston. “People always said to me, it must be great, going out with Brad Pitt. But they don’t know the half of it. They’d see us doing red carpets on TV or in the magazines and think how wonderful. But they can’t smell his breath or his arse. He’s always dropping his guts and has no regard for following through. That man has more skid marks than the Indianapolis 500. Everyone said we split because of his relationship with Angelina Jolie, no way man. I’d had enough of having to interview new laundry staff every other week, sneak out in the middle of the night to yet another 24 hour laundromat or take the blame yet again for that strange eggy-shitty smell. Why do you think my film career hit the shitter? I’ll tell you why. It’s because I literally took all the shit. Do you know what it’s like having the whole of Hollywood think you have rancid guts, when it’s not even you dropping them? I do. It’s fucked up and I’d had enough. Good riddance.”

DAVID FINCHER TO FILM FINCH

HOLLYWOOD – David Fincher is set to film Finch.

David Fincher will film Finch next. The master, multi-take movie maker will film the autobiographical piece next.

OPUS

The Hollywood auteur stated in a press release, “I am keen to announce my next project, after the 100% approval rate from both movie fans and critics alike around the whole world for Mank. In partnership with Netflix, I will make my oeuvre, my opus, my story… Finch.

Please keep your applause and adulation to a minimum, I know it’s difficult. I am glad to say I will be played by various actors throughout the different stages of my life. Macaulay Culkin will play me as the bright eyed innocent 6 year old boy frolicking in the snow with his beloved sled. James Woods will play the CEO of Netflix, Lord Moneybags, who steals me away from loving family home.

Alien 3

Timothee Chamamamamalamet will play me as I traverse the halls of academia mastering the visual arts and ruling the world of pop videos. Sigourney Weaver will play me as I make Alien 3, widely known to be the best of all the Alien films, certainly better than any crap Rigley Spott could hack out.

Hung

Then onto my Brad Pitt era, where I will be played by Kevin Spacey, he’s such a fun, loveable guy. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Then Ben Affleck will play me during the filming of Gone Girl, because, wow we all remember THAT shower scene.  

Mo-Cap

Finally, in the autumn of my career, I will be played by Andy Serkis in a mocap suit where at the age of 75, I begin to grow young again. I’m just gonna keep getting young, then old, young then old, young then old. We’ll make it a 20 part, multi-season, never ending story that just goes on and on and on, until those bastards at Netflix run out of money.

Then I’ll make Needham: The Hal Needham Story. All about the making of Smokey and The Bandit.”

Finch starts shooting in the Spring of 2021.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

EXCLUSIVE PIC OF BRAD PITT AND MARION COTILLARD’S LOVE CHILD

HOLLYWOOD – Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard have a secret love child, the Studio Exec was able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal today.

Short weeks after the announcement of the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt, it has been revealed today that Pitt and Allied-co-star Marion Cotillard have a child together. Nothing at all is known about the child except that it is definitely the child of Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt and that they seem to be very happy. The Studio Exec learned that the couple have been desperate to keep the existence of the child an absolute secret, even going so far as to dress up in 1940s style clothing as a way of disguising themselves whenever they go outside with the baby.

Suspicions were first aroused when a video emerged on the internet earlier this week purporting to be the ‘trailer’ of a new movie by Roger Zemeckis called ‘Allied’. Expert Luffey McGivens spoke to the Studio Exec:

We’ve seen this move before and although it might be effective I have to say it isn’t very classy. What happens is you invent a movie as a cover for a secret. In the case of the Iran hostage crisis it was a science fiction film called Argo, here it’s a war thriller called Allied. Always with the letter ‘A’ notice.  No doubt Ben Affleck will direct a movie about it in twenty year’s time. And we’re supposed to fall for it!?

Allied will be released later in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRANGELINA

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news of the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, we ask what do we really know about Brangelina?

The Studio Exec has delved into the laundry basket of public opinion once more, to uncover the true FACTS about Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. AKA Brangelina.

1 Brangelina are actually two people: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt. Not one person.

2 The name is the conflation of their two first names: Brad and Angelina. By taking the first two/three letters of Brad and morphing them with all or all but one of the letters of Angelina, you get Brangelina though it is still a matter of much debate who the ‘a’ belongs to.

3 They originally got together while filming Mr and Mrs Smith. A film about a couple who unbeknownst to each other are actually assassins who rekindle their marriage by trying to kill each other. I’m not saying anything but the answer might be right in front of your faces.

4 Brangelina does not include George Clooney, although George Clooney does make up one third of Geoddatt, the triumvirate of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. This trio have not captured the imaginations to the same extent.

5 Jennifer Aniston is a woman who is getting on with her life and has been doing so quite happily for years, but is undoubtedly delighted to be a meme once more.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON EARNS MORE THAN $100 A DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers star Scarlett Johansson makes more than a $100 a day, the Studio Exec has learned.

The blockbusting star Scarlett Johansson earns more than $100 a day and perhaps substantially more, according to reports. Having made two successful movies this year, The Jungle Book and Captain America: Civil War Johansson has seen her income, which was already high, rise considerably.

Our resident accountant Xavier Poulis reports:

Scarlett Johansson is the highest earning female star ever and although I don’t have the exact figures, it’s definitely more than $100  a day, or a minute, one of the two. She definitely got enough money to buy herself a car and probably a house, though she might need a mortgage. She should have no problem getting one. If she walks into a shop and sees something she likes, chances are she can just buy it without having to worry about it. A round of drinks or treating someone to lunch at an inexpensive cafe shouldn’t be a problem though she’ll probably not want to be too ostentatious as that will just encourage hangers on.

Other stars like George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt also earn about $1000 plus a week.

TERRENCE MALICK DOCUMENTARY VOYAGE OF TIME ‘ALL ABOUT F*CKING’

HOLLYWOOD – Voyage of Time, the new Terrence Malick IMX documentary, is all about f*cking, it was revealed today.

It emerged today that the new Terrence Malick documentary Voyage of Time will be all about sex, shagging, bonking, banging, screwing and cunnilingus.

A source close to the reclusive filmmaker told the Studio Exec:

This is the sauciest you’ve ever seen Malick do.  Badlands and Days of Heaven had very little sex in them and what there was happened off screen. Likewise The Thin Red Line and Tree of Life. There was the tiniest bit in the New World but no one went to see that, but more recently he’s been getting into some internet porn and it has had an influence.

What kind of influence?

Well, aside from the fact he’s lost a lot of weight and he doesn’t read Heidegger anymore. He put some sex into To the Wonder and you should see the version of Knight of Cups that he wanted to release!

You mean he compromised his vision?

He listened to advice that said it would damage his reputation. But this new one is just wall to wall banging and screwing to the sounds of Arvo Part. It’s amazing. And over it Brad Pitt narrates a salacious commentary. Sometimes just repeating words which shouldn’t be rude but given the context suddenly become rude. Like ‘Elbow – marmalade – itch’. See what I mean?

Voyage of Time will be released in 2017.

BRAD PITT LOOKS TERRIBLE

PARIS – At a charity event in Paris, reclusive actor Brad Pitt made a rare appearance which has caused ripples of what passes for concern among the celebrity community.

Brad Pitt has long been a sponsor of the charity Medicine Sans Chapeau – or Doctors without Hats – so it was no surprise when he turned up to a charity gala in the heart of Paris to support the group who do sterling bare headed work in many war zones in Switzerland and elsewhere. However, eagle-eyed celebrity watchers were aghast at the physical state of the Seven and Fight Club star.

Marcus deGroot had this to say:

We know that the last few years have been hard for Brad. Fury was okay but we haven’t really seen him out and about and the rumors have gone round that Angelina Jolie is harvesting his blood to feed her ever widening brood. Of course we dismissed such spite as nothing more than bitter piffle. The worst kind, you’ll agree but when he was wheeled in surrouned by large black women we couldn’t believe our eyes. This was not the young buck that Geena Davis had bedded in Thelma and Louise all those years ago. No, this was a dry husk of a man. As if Jolie had planted a man straw in the cranium and sucked out all his vitality soup.

Brad Pitt appeared at the event dressed in a beautiful Armani cardigan and suit with Versace slippers and a Ralph Lauren pair of dentures. Others claimed that the photographic evidence of the event was merely a hastily found still from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but this could not be confirmed or denied at the time of publication.

Brad Pitt will next appear in Lust of a Vampire.

ADAM MCKAY PROMISES PROFITS OF BIG SHORT TO CHARITY

HOLLYWOOD – In a move that has shocked and delighted Hollywood Adam McKay director of financial comedy The Big Short has promised that all profits of the movie will go to charity.

New comedy The Big Short starring Steve Carrell, Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt has a lot of fun with the financial crisis but director Adam McKay has decided to put something back:

It’s very simple. Thousands of people lost their homes as a result of the chicanery that we are portraying. It is great that people will know more about it because of our movie but the important thing is that satire and laughter lines cannot put a roof over people’s heads. So we’ll be taking every penny we make from The Big Short and giving it to the people who suffered from the financial crisis. Those who had their homes foreclosed. Those who lost their jobs.

That’s amazing.

I know. Brad, Steve and Ryan are joining suit. But it isn’t the first time we did this. When we made The Other Guys which is my answer to Serpico we used the profits to fund an organisation that investigates police corruption. When we made Anchorman 2 the only reason we did that is so that we could raise funds to build a home in new Mexico for unemployed men with mustaches.

Wait, is this a joke?

And when we made Step Brothers we used the money that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly donated to buy Africa and fill it with food.

This is bullshit Adam. So you didn’t give the money to charity? 

Are you kidding? I’m taking all the money I make and I’m giving it to my fund manager. This economy is going to crash and burn and I’m set to profit twice over. First with the shorts I’m paying for now and second with The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots.

The Big Short 2: You F*cking Idiots will be out shortly.

MILEY CYRUS TO PLAY ANNE FRANK

HOLLYWOOD – Miley Cyrus is to play Jewish teenager Anne Frank in new Brett Ratner biopic She’s in the Attic.

VMAs host and Bangerz star Miley Cyrus has signed on to play Jewish teenager and diary writer Anne Frank in a new film to be directed by the man who brought us Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. The film, provisionally entitled She’s in the Attic, is set to begin shooting next month and is based on the diaries of the young Jewish girl Anne Frank (Miley Cyrus) who hid from the Nazis with her family before finally being captured and sent to the Bergen-Belsen Concentration Camp where she tragically died.

‘I didn’t know who she was at first,’ said the former Hannah Montana. ‘Until I heard that she was a Belieber and then I thought, wow, how ahead of her time. I mean really. This girl I have to find out about. I read a lot about her and if you think about it she’s like an early Kardashian. You know how intimately we feel we know her if you like.’

Brett Ratner said that his project was absolutely sensitive to the issues surrounding the tragic life of the young girl:

This is a gonna be tasteful. We are artists paying homage to a young girl and the songs are totally justified in the context of the story. This is like Schindler’s List meets High School Musical. And Glee. Classy. Right?

It’s going to be a musical?

Yes absolutely. We are hoping to incorporate some of Miley’s songs into the film, although we’ll obviously modify the lyrics a little bit. Instead of ‘You hit me like a wrecking ball’, which doesn’t make much sense given the context, Miley will sing ‘I keep staring at this f*cking wall’. And of course ‘Best of Both Worlds’ will be changed to the ‘Worst of All Worlds’.

How are you going to deal with the differences in age?

I don’t foresee that being a problem. We’re getting the same guy who did Brad Pitt in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button to come in and kind of shrink Miley down. It’ll be fine.

Jewish groups and the Anne Frank Foundation have reacted with anger and disgust at the proposed film treatment. ‘First Justin Bieber and then this,’ said an exasperated Per Jankins. ‘This is getting too much.’

She’s in the Attic opens in the Fall of 2016.

 

MY FAVORITE FILM: BEN CARSON

WASHINGTON – Hi Everyone! Ben Carson here. Doctor, Presidential candidate for the GOP and, for one day only, film critic!

My Favorite Film has to be Quentin Tarantino’s superb Second World War film Inglourious Basterds! Why do I like it? Well set a while and I’ll tell you.

In a word: realism! Sure Saving Private Ryan has a visceral quality in its opening twenty minutes or so. And Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line has a philosophical weight, bolstered as it is by a Rousssean appreciation of the natural universe. But Tarantino is the only one who really strips away the myths of the Second World War and actually shows you what happened. For reals. So here we see how a crack squad of Jews, armed to the teeth with GUNS, snuck into Nazi occupied France sewed terror in the hearts of the Wehrmacht before finally assassinating Hitler in a Parisian Cinema as the Führer sat there thinking he was all that.

Of course it wasn’t all plain sailing. The dumb ass Brit almost f*cks it up for everyone by ordering the drinks wrong with his stupid British fingers, but the good old US of A manages to rescue the day.

One can’t help but wonder if only the Europeans had owned firearms freely before the Nazis took power then all this awfulness would never have happened. A few dead college students, school children and what not are a small price to pay for the freedoms we win when we own assault weapons privately.

The other bonus of this film is seeing Christoph Waltz and Brad Pitt acting together. They’re great. I knew them when they had a comedy double act outside of Poughkeepsie called the Rambling Rogers. Boy were they funny. And little Eli Roth, riddling Hitler and Goebbels with bullets! It just goes to show torture porn has its uses. If only the same could be said for Planned Parenthood. Ha ha! But of course I’m joking.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.