HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can finally reveal what Brad Pitt smells of.
The Exec has spent years interviewing various close friends, colleagues and ex-partners in order to definitively catalogue what Brad Pitt smells of throughout various stages of his career.
In Space No One Can Hear You Shit
Ridley Scott told us, “Eee bugger me, all those years ago back in ’91 when we made Thelma & Louise, Brad were nowt but an ankle biter. He amused himself between takes by using that hair dryer to blow his own farts over to Geena Davis. He’d lie on his back, pull his legs over his head and shout INCOMING! We all knew what were coming, so we’d tell Geena cameras were rolling and leave her to it. She were a right trooper, that lass.”
Brad Pitt Smells Of Kentucky Fart Chicken
Several years later, Juliette Lewis, his co-star on the violent thriller, Kalifornia explained, “By this point, Brad was a genuine big shot sex symbol. So he’d stopped all his on-set farting. He kept his ass tighter than a gnat’s chuff. You couldn’t get a credit card between them cheeks for the whole shoot. He ate nothing but KFC family buckets and stank of 11 different herbs and spices. But to this day, I couldn’t tell you what they were.”
While filming his Oscar nominated role in Twelve Monkeys, director Terry Gilliam revealed, “To get that twitchy look perfected, Pitt ate nothing but Nice’N’Spicy Nik Naks. His breath stank of them the whole time. Turned his shit bright orange. Just ask the costume department, they had to clean the luminous skids out of his costume three times a day. Dirty bastard.”
Close friend and confidant, George Clooney explained, “When we filmed the first Ocean’s film, it was hard boiled eggs. After years and years of method eating to help with his performances, his guts were rancid. Dumb mother fucker took to eating nothing but hard boiled eggs to try and firm everything up down there. Binding, y’know what I mean? Anyways, he was meant to be the one doing the acrobatics in the vault scene. But when we came to shoot his first somersault, his asshole prolapsed all over the set. It was a real mess down there. We had to suspend shooting for two weeks. One week for Brad to get his guts tucked back in his asshole and another week for the clean-up and fumigation of the set. Have you ever smelled half-digested hard boiled eggs shat out onto a million dollar movie set? It ain’t no walk in the park, I can tell ya.”
Ocean’s Number 2 – Electric Portaloo
“Ocean’s Twelve wasn’t much of an improvement. He was on a liquid only diet of curried vegetable smoothies. It stopped him farting as he couldn’t ever trust one not to be in colour. That slowed up the shoot because when he had to go, he had to go if you know what I mean. It was in his contract that a Portaloo had to constantly be within 15 yards of him on-set. Pretty tricky when you’re shooting in a moving car. That Portaloo sure did stink, but not as much as getting Julia Roberts to play someone playing her. What the fuck was that about?”
“Ocean’s 13 was a much simpler time. Brad was doing the Atkin’s Diet by then, so it was just high protein, meaty farts. After Ocean’s 12, that was like a breath of fresh air.”
Secret Shitty Shame
We leave the last word to Brad Pitt’s ex-partner, star of Office Space and the TV show Friends, Jennifer Aniston. “People always said to me, it must be great, going out with Brad Pitt. But they don’t know the half of it. They’d see us doing red carpets on TV or in the magazines and think how wonderful. But they can’t smell his breath or his arse. He’s always dropping his guts and has no regard for following through. That man has more skid marks than the Indianapolis 500. Everyone said we split because of his relationship with Angelina Jolie, no way man. I’d had enough of having to interview new laundry staff every other week, sneak out in the middle of the night to yet another 24 hour laundromat or take the blame yet again for that strange eggy-shitty smell. Why do you think my film career hit the shitter? I’ll tell you why. It’s because I literally took all the shit. Do you know what it’s like having the whole of Hollywood think you have rancid guts, when it’s not even you dropping them? I do. It’s fucked up and I’d had enough. Good riddance.”