NEW BOURNE TRAILER SUGGESTS A SENTIMENTAL TURN

HOLLYWOOD – The new Bourne trailer dropped during the Super Bowl and it suggested that the secret agent with amnesia is rebuilding his life successfully.

One of the high points of the advertising campaign that surrounds Super Bowl 50 was the dropping of the new Bourne Trailer, featuring Matt Damon. Although short in length, the trailer showed that Bourne 6 will be taking a totally new direction. In the trailer he seems to have a family and has somehow managed to buy himself a zoo.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Matt Damon about the new film:

We felt we had done the spy thing as far as we could do it. So what was next? Paul Greengrass had seen me in We Bought a Zoo and he told me it was his favorite non-Bourne film I’d done. So we got talking about how we could introduce elements of that whimsy into the Bourne universe. It turned out there’s a ‘cut and paste’ feature on Final Draft so it wasn’t anywhere near as difficult as I thought it would be.

So you’re basically making Bourne 6 as We Bought a Zoo 2?

That’s right. Scarlett Johansson is coming back and the kids and there’s going to be a lot less violence and a lot more gooey sentimentality.

Bourne 6: Jason Bought a Zoo will be released on the 4th of July.

MATT DAMON COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF FRACKING

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon, actor and activist, has come out yesterday in a stunning u-turn to support the gas acquisition process known as ‘fracking’, despite having written and starred in a film The Promised Land, ostensibly opposed to the practice.

Mr. Damon spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Yeah I was opposed to fracking at first because I didn’t really understand it. There are all these hippy types in Hollywood like Tim Robbins and they convinced me of a lot of stuff then I sat down and did some research via Business Insider and they really changed my mind. You could say that there’s one Bourne every minute, right? Am I right?

So now you’re not opposed to the hydraulic extraction of shale gas, which some say pollutes the water table, adds to carbon emissions as well as ruining the site of extraction?

What happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home is their business and nobody else’s.

But that isn’t fracking as such. 

Of course there are sometimes more than two and that’s okay as well.

We’re talking about the most environmentally damaging things you can do to the environment. James Hanson argues that… 

Hey, I wasn’t Bourne yesterday you know. I see what you’re trying to do.

Are you just going to keep making Bourne puns?

No. Maybe. As the Boss says, [Singing] I was … BOURNE in the USA! I was… BOURNE in the USA. 

Uh huh. 

Okay. No. Sorry this is a serious issue and I’m going to take it seriously. After all, I damaged the cause of Fracking in America and now I want to put things right. Not just for me and my children, but for the generations yet to be Bourne.  

Ben Affleck was unavailable for comment. 

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