MATT DAMON STOPPED SHITTING IN PUBLIC

BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.

 

So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?

 


I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.

 


How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.

 


Jesus.

You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!

 

Stillwater is currently in theatres.

BOURNE V BOND GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Jason Bourne and Spectre, the world’s most famous secret agents and to appear in a new film provisionally entitled Bourne v Bond.

Matt Damon and Daniel Craig today announced in a joint press conference that filming is to begin this month on Bourne v Bond, the first mash-up of the Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming characters, James Bond and Jason Bourne, since Quantum of Solace.

Matt Damon speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec had this to say:

Anybody watching Jason Bourne had to see that we’ve run out of steam. I mean the first Bourne film was good and then the second and the third were great but basically the same film done over and so what more is there that we can do? I was talking to Paul Greengrass and he asked what would happen if Bourne met Bond and that was the point where the lights seemed to come on.

Daniel Craig nodded, smiling:

We were at the same point. We watched Spectre and we thought, Wow! That looks really tired. It’s like we put all the fun stuff in the first ten minutes and then everything else was just m’eh! So when Matt and Paul called Sam and I were just knocked out. We met in a hotel the four of us and had a real story conference and what we came up with I think will be very exciting.

What did you come up with?

MD: In the broadest possible terms, it goes like this. Bond is sent after Bourne because British intelligence believe he is a threat to their national security, But it turns out Bourne has been framed by Spectre and Treadstone and Bond and Bourne must join forces.

So they’ll fight.

DC: Yes, they will. There’ll be real animosity there, but they realize at the last minute that both their mothers were called Martha.

MD: Isn’t that just…?

Amazing!

DC: Yes.

Bourne v Bond will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MATT DAMON OPENS UP TO ELLEN ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN IN HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon celebrated his return from Mars with an appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show where he spoke for the first time of the difficulty of being a male lesbian in Hollywood.

The Bourne Identity and Informant! star Matt Damon appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show earlier this week and opened up about his experiences living as a lesbian in Hollywood.

Everyone thinks it must be easy. California is a liberal state and Los Angeles is a pretty liberal town, but the fact of the matter is even in the industry it isn’t easy to be a lesbian. I look at my career and I see the choices that I have sometimes had to make and I see doors that have perhaps closed because of my sexuality and I can’t help but wonder did I make the right choice to come out so early in my career. I salute Ellen Paige for coming out when she did, but it has to be said I’d kind of done all the hard work already.

Ellen seemed bemused by the comments and got laughter from the studio audience with her response, ‘But Matt, you’re a man!’ However, Damon didn’t seem to hear or care:

Exactly! And being a man is what makes it doubly dangerous. Doubly difficult. As I told The Guardian earlier this week, the amount of hostility and suspicion that I first received from lesbians themselves… I’m there trying to tell them, I’m a lesbian and they’re throwing my penis in my face as if that’s something that should or could stop me.

Late this week, Matt Damon will be on Oprah talking about weight issues and his experience as a fat black man.

MATT DAMON DISCUSSES NEW BOURNE MOVIE AND REVEALS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon has discussed for the first time the new Bourne movie which he is to star in directed by Paul Greengrass.

After the mega-success of the Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon will play Bourne for the fourth time, following a less successful incarnation The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner, which existed in the same universe but did not feature Jason Bourne.  Matt Damon dropped by the Studio Exec Jacuzzi to discuss the new film, to be entitled The Bourne Austerity:

We’re still in very early stages, but I can tell you some stuff.  The first Bournes were very much a result of the Bush presidency and so we were in a War on Terror and black ops and that whole feeling of the US running rogue in the world. With Obama came a sense of hope, but now we have an austerity struck Europe and a US foreign policy that relies on massive surveillance which has also been used domestically.

So The Bourne Austerity is like a post-Snowden thriller?

Exactly. The film starts off in Greece where some of you might remember that Bourne actually helped run a scooter hire business. He’s gone back there where he used to be happy with his new girlfriend Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But Greece is defaulting on its loans and in the run up to a new bailout Jason Bourne is activated by Angela Merkel to take out Alex Tsipiras, the new Greek prime minister. Of course, Bourne realizes he is being used and turns against his masters once more. Then they send in Jeremy Renner as a cheap version of me – again the austerity theme – but because of Quantative Easing they finally manage to spend some money on destroying Greece and they send in Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) to finish the job. It’s very exciting at the end.

The Bourne Austerity will be released in 2017.

MATT DAMON ON FOR THE BOURNE REMUNERATION

HOLLYWOOD – Universal have announced that the next Bourne film will be directed by Paul Greengrass and star Matt Damon and will be titled The Bourne Remuneration.

The news comes as a surprise as a follow up to Tony Gilroy’s The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner had already been announced and even calendared. The Hurt Locker actor today told journalists that he was ‘devastated’, saying:

When I and Tony were making The Bourne Supremacy there was all this bad feeling going around but I thought we’d got over that and made a really good film. I know it wasn’t exciting, or interesting and it really didn’t make much sense all told, nor was it commercially as big a hit as we hoped, but I was in it and so that bit was good.

Paul Greengrass said that The Bourne Remuneration will follow on from The Bourne Supremacy’ as if nothing had ever happened’.

That other film is now going to be reissued in a special collector’s edition, re-titled as The Bourne Irrelevancy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Can you tell us something about the story?

Yes. The Bourne Identity introduced us to Jason Bourne and the whole black op program known as Blackstone. The Bourne Ultimatum and The Bourne Supremacy carried that story on to its natural conclusion. The Bourne Remuneration sees Jason Bourne returning to his ordinary life and settling into a bureaucratic job and raising a family. Matt is very keen to add something about fracking but I’m not sure I’m that interested in the subject. Anyway, Bourne still sometimes uses his skills as a super agent to do things like find a parking space or work out what is the quickest line at the supermarket, but that’s about it. Then two government agents who have gone rogue – Tony Pilfroy and Jeremy Rimmer – decide that they have to kill him because they want to be better than him. Pilfroy doesn’t even know how to direct a movie, I mean be a spy, but he still tries to compete with Bourne. Poor Rimmer is just his patsy.

Wow. That sounds a little like…

No it has nothing to do with that. But I’m really excited because I wrote the movie instead of letting some Gilroy like character at it. This means that it’ll be original and interesting.

So what happens?

Rimmer and Pilfroy try and kill Bourne but only succeed in knocking him out. When he comes too, he has completely lost his memory. So he just begins The Bourne Identity again as if nothing had ever happened. It’s a bit like Groundhog Day but with guns and stabbing people with pens.

The Bourne Remuneration will be released in 2016.

MATT DAMON COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF FRACKING

HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon, actor and activist, has come out yesterday in a stunning u-turn to support the gas acquisition process known as ‘fracking’, despite having written and starred in a film The Promised Land, ostensibly opposed to the practice.

Mr. Damon spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Yeah I was opposed to fracking at first because I didn’t really understand it. There are all these hippy types in Hollywood like Tim Robbins and they convinced me of a lot of stuff then I sat down and did some research via Business Insider and they really changed my mind. You could say that there’s one Bourne every minute, right? Am I right?

So now you’re not opposed to the hydraulic extraction of shale gas, which some say pollutes the water table, adds to carbon emissions as well as ruining the site of extraction?

What happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home is their business and nobody else’s.

But that isn’t fracking as such. 

Of course there are sometimes more than two and that’s okay as well.

We’re talking about the most environmentally damaging things you can do to the environment. James Hanson argues that… 

Hey, I wasn’t Bourne yesterday you know. I see what you’re trying to do.

Are you just going to keep making Bourne puns?

No. Maybe. As the Boss says, [Singing] I was … BOURNE in the USA! I was… BOURNE in the USA. 

Uh huh. 

Okay. No. Sorry this is a serious issue and I’m going to take it seriously. After all, I damaged the cause of Fracking in America and now I want to put things right. Not just for me and my children, but for the generations yet to be Bourne.  

Ben Affleck was unavailable for comment. 

More Matt Damon news can be found by clicking the two words which say ‘Click Here’. 

NEW BOURNE FILM TITLE AND SYNOPSIS REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the ‘success’ of The Bourne Legacy starring Jeremy Renner, director and screenwriter Tony Gilroy has released details of his follow up film in the Bourne franchise The Bourne Irrelevancy.


Jeremy Renner returns as Someone Else (AKA not Bourne or Aaron Cross), the running and jumping super hero who consistently gets out of confusing and complicated if not intricate and ultimately bewildering (did I already say confusing) situations, via running very fast indeed, and punching with his fists. Renner said that he was thrilled to cash the check. “I bought a boat,” he laughed, pointing to a picture of a boat he carries around with him in his wallet.


Gilroy stated today: “A lot of people bitched and moaned about Bourne not really being in the last one and so we put it in the title as kind of a fuck you.”


Would you ever bring Matt Damon back into the role?


“Sure,” says Gilroy, gnashing. “I’m ready to let bygones be bygones and show there’s no bad blood. If that no talent asshole wants to come back, I would open him with welcome arms.”


The Bourne Irrelevancy will reveal that not only is there another secret black ops agency under the secret black ops agency, but there’s nothing but black ops secret agencies all the way up to the President and down to the guy who empties the bins at McDonalds.

The Bourne Irrelevancy is due to be released in 2015.