SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS

DO AFRICANS KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?

LONDON – Do Africans actually know it’s Christmas? The Studio Exec investigates:

The idea that Africans don’t know when Christmastime is originates from the song written by Midge Ure for Band Aid thirty years ago and recently reissued to raise money for the Ebola crisis. Our Africa expert Dr. Chadden Berstill, however, contests the factual grounding of the Ultravox singer’s lyrics.

Chadden told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Africa is the second largest and second most populous continent in the world. It is made up of 52 recognised countries with a total population of over 1.1 billion people of whom 400 million are Christians. The idea that these Christians, or indeed the non-Christians who live in a world which is increasingly availing itself of technology and education, would somehow not know it was Christmas is stupid beyond belief.  Even in famine struck areas, or places where Ebola has claimed many lives, there is no evidence that the Gregorian calendar has ceased to exist and major religious festivities have been forgotten. The only African countries that do not use the Gregorian calendar as its civil calendar are Ethiopia and Eritrea.

A ha!

But even this calendar is a Coptic Christian calendar which still dates Christmas on the 7th of January.

That must be a mistake. Everyone knows Christmas is December 25th.

No. The Ethiopian date is actually based on the older Julian calendar and therefore can lay a claim to being more authentic.

Okay but the rest of the song is lyrically accurate, right?

No. The line ‘there won’t be any snow in Africa this Christmastime’ is inaccurate. There will be snow on Kilimanjaro, the Atlas mountains, high ground in Algeria and Morocco. The line ‘Nothing ever grows, no rain or river flows’ is arrant nonsense. Africa extends through the tropics, so there are plenty of places where it rains. And as for rivers the f*cking Congo flows for instance, oh, and the Nile.

Okay, but aren’t you being a little harsh. They are trying to help after all. And they changed some lyrics.

One of the most despicable lines: ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ has thankfully gone, but one of the new lines about the Ebola epidemic gives the worst kind of scaremongering: ‘Where a kiss of love can kill you and there’s death in every tear’. Jesus Christ, close the borders! This makes Nineteenth Century missionaries look positively enlightened. I’m not doubting the good intentions of Harry Styles, Bob Geldof, Sinead O’Connor and Bono, but they’ve had thirty years to think about the negative impact of portraying Africa as one big homogeneous pit of misery and death. When I listen to this, I don’t think of the Africa I know with its color and variety. I think of Mordor.

Still Band Aid 30 is there if you want to buy it. Which is certainly better than doing nothing. 

AFRICA RECORDS CHARITY SINGLE FOR BONO

NEW YORK – Following a nasty accident on his bicycle, Bono is to have his surgery paid for from the proceeds of a charity single recorded by the continent of Africa.

A spokesperson for Africa told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s the least we could do after all Bono has done for Africa. It’s about time we stepped up to the plate and coughed up some money for Bono’s medical bills.

The Irish songbird Vox Bono came a cropper during a bike ride in Central Park New York when he was recklessly doing a wheelie with no hands. The subsequent accident resulted in a broken arm, fractured shoulder and a five hour stint in surgery, including facial reconstruction. The accident occurred a day after Bono returned from London where he had recorded his line of the new Band Aid single ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas (Feed the World)’.

The spokesperson continued:

As soon as we heard, we dropped everything. Zambia was on the phone and Nigeria sent a round robin email. The Democratic Republic of Congo and the Sudan were a bit late to the party, but Egypt, Ethiopia, Kenya, Morocco, Ghana Senegal, Cameroon and South Africa were all on the first flight. Rwanda and Chad were already there. We had a bit of an argument about what song we were going to do. Ivory Coast suggested Bicycle Race by Queen, but Ivory Coast is like that. Always fooling.  In the end we decided to do Where the Streets Have No Name from The Joshua Tree, which is like a classic.

Where the Streets Have No Name by Bono Aid will be released tomorrow. 

U2 NEW ALBUM ‘STILL TOO EXPENSIVE’

DUBLIN – Stadium rock band U2 have found themselves in the middle of a storm of controversy around their decision to release their new album Songs of Innocence free to iTunes users.

Apple offices were inundated with complaints and message boards filled up the irate rants of mildly irritated people pretending to be enraged.

‘It’s way too expensive,’ commented @chrismartin69.

Although it cost me no money, it has taken up space in my library and it took me three minutes to delete it. Three minutes I’ll never get back.

Bono Vox said that he was surprised by the reaction:

We are universally loved by everyone not only because of our driving rock anthems, but also because of our fluid melodies and charity work. Without us Africa would be a f*cking mess. People should think about that instead of slagging off our poetic lyrics and epic stomping bass lines. And I would add as an addendum if possible, that Edge bought a new hat especially because he was so looking forward to today, and when he saw some of the comments, little tears sprang into his little eyes. Just think about that haters! How can you sleep at night?

U2’s Songs of Innocence is available in… oh wait you already own it.

 

BONO FINDS WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR

DUBLIN – Following a 27 year search, Bono Vox the lead singer of Irish rock band U2 has finally found what he was looking for.

It turned out it was in a jacket he’d thought he’d already checked in 1987, but there was an inside pocket he’d forgotten about.

The singer told Studio Exec

I feel like a feckin eejit! I really do. Can you imagine it? I’ve been going round the world for the last two and a half decades singing my anthem-like plea, touching the hearts of thousands, millions perhaps, and if I’d just checked my jacket a little more carefully I wouldn’t have needed to bother. I could have sang a song about a Happy Bus instead.

A Happy Bus? 

Yeah, that was what I was sitting down to write a song about when I started looking for this… er… thing. 

How hard did you look for it? 

Well, I climbed the highest mountains, obviously. I ran through the fields. Which was a mistake. I should have walked, being careful to look. Oh and I scaled the city walls.

Dublin’s city walls?

Yes. Among others. Jerusalem and Jericho, as well.  

And all this time it was in your pocket in the wardrobe?

It’s so embarrassing now you put it like that. But on the other hand, at least it gave me the chance to kiss some honey lips and feel the healing finger tips, which feel grand. Top notch finger tips if you want to know. Plus all the colors bleed into one. I should’ve used a lower temperature on this wash cycle.

So what was it? 

What? 

The thing you hadn’t found. The thing you were looking for?

Oh well I’ll show you. Wait a second. I must have… Where did I…?

 

U2 SUE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Popular rock music group U2 have announced they are to sue Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing them at the Oscars.

Humorless lead singer Bono spoke EXCLUSIVELY about Benedict Cumberbatch unwanted incursion the Studio Exec this morning:

We’d got dressed up for the Oscars, and Adam and Edge were really, really excited. We all put on our serious faces, because we like to look quite serious and when I smile I look like a bit of a turnip. The photographers snapped away and we were really happy. I turned to Edge and said, ‘That’ll be a good one’. But when I got up the next morning I was horrified to see Sherlock Holmes jumping behind us like a pillock.

Edge added with a dour tone to his voice like a child trying not to cry:

As you may or may not know, myself and Bono and the rest of U2 are actually Irish. So bombing of any kind, even photobombing is in very poor taste. I’d worn my special hat so as you can imagine the whole evening was ruined.

Noted Jolly Bastard Mr. Cumberbatch laughed when told of the impending law suit, and issued a statement through his lawyers that stated simply:

I don’t give a toss.

For more on this story, WAIT.  

DANIEL CRAIG: NEXT BOND FILM COULD BE MUSICAL

Seemed drunk

LONDON – Daniel Craig hinted today at a radical change in direction for the Bond franchise. ‘I’d like to sing,’ he told stunned reporters. ‘If you think about it, 007 has always had this musical side to him, with all the Bond songs,  and some great musicians working on the films, and Adele.’

Michael G. Wilson, who – along with Barbara Broccoli – controls the creative direction of the multimillion dollar film series, said that Craig’s idea was ‘interesting’, but his intonation went up at the end of the word as if to make it into a question.
‘Bond could go in many different directions,’ Wilson said. ‘I’d never, to be honest, thought of it as a musical but I don’t know. Maybe. But… No probably not. No. Actually definitely no.’
Bono and the Edge have already volunteered to score a possible musical that they have called License to Sing! Edge has already written an overture and three songs. ‘I don’t think much about them,’ said Edge in an Irish accent. ‘I just churn them out.’
To the assembled journalists, Craig launched into a series of songs with a surprisingly robust baritone, starting with Jane’s Addiction and ‘Been Caught Stealing’ and ended with a sublime version of ‘This Corrosion’ by The Sisters of Mercy.