U2 NEW ALBUM ‘STILL TOO EXPENSIVE’

DUBLIN – Stadium rock band U2 have found themselves in the middle of a storm of controversy around their decision to release their new album Songs of Innocence free to iTunes users.

Apple offices were inundated with complaints and message boards filled up the irate rants of mildly irritated people pretending to be enraged.

‘It’s way too expensive,’ commented @chrismartin69.

Although it cost me no money, it has taken up space in my library and it took me three minutes to delete it. Three minutes I’ll never get back.

Bono Vox said that he was surprised by the reaction:

We are universally loved by everyone not only because of our driving rock anthems, but also because of our fluid melodies and charity work. Without us Africa would be a f*cking mess. People should think about that instead of slagging off our poetic lyrics and epic stomping bass lines. And I would add as an addendum if possible, that Edge bought a new hat especially because he was so looking forward to today, and when he saw some of the comments, little tears sprang into his little eyes. Just think about that haters! How can you sleep at night?

U2’s Songs of Innocence is available in… oh wait you already own it.

 

BONO FINDS WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR

DUBLIN – Following a 27 year search, Bono Vox the lead singer of Irish rock band U2 has finally found what he was looking for.

It turned out it was in a jacket he’d thought he’d already checked in 1987, but there was an inside pocket he’d forgotten about.

The singer told Studio Exec

I feel like a feckin eejit! I really do. Can you imagine it? I’ve been going round the world for the last two and a half decades singing my anthem-like plea, touching the hearts of thousands, millions perhaps, and if I’d just checked my jacket a little more carefully I wouldn’t have needed to bother. I could have sang a song about a Happy Bus instead.

A Happy Bus? 

Yeah, that was what I was sitting down to write a song about when I started looking for this… er… thing. 

How hard did you look for it? 

Well, I climbed the highest mountains, obviously. I ran through the fields. Which was a mistake. I should have walked, being careful to look. Oh and I scaled the city walls.

Dublin’s city walls?

Yes. Among others. Jerusalem and Jericho, as well.  

And all this time it was in your pocket in the wardrobe?

It’s so embarrassing now you put it like that. But on the other hand, at least it gave me the chance to kiss some honey lips and feel the healing finger tips, which feel grand. Top notch finger tips if you want to know. Plus all the colors bleed into one. I should’ve used a lower temperature on this wash cycle.

So what was it? 

What? 

The thing you hadn’t found. The thing you were looking for?

Oh well I’ll show you. Wait a second. I must have… Where did I…?

 

U2 SUE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Popular rock music group U2 have announced they are to sue Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing them at the Oscars.

Humorless lead singer Bono spoke EXCLUSIVELY about Benedict Cumberbatch unwanted incursion the Studio Exec this morning:

We’d got dressed up for the Oscars, and Adam and Edge were really, really excited. We all put on our serious faces, because we like to look quite serious and when I smile I look like a bit of a turnip. The photographers snapped away and we were really happy. I turned to Edge and said, ‘That’ll be a good one’. But when I got up the next morning I was horrified to see Sherlock Holmes jumping behind us like a pillock.

Edge added with a dour tone to his voice like a child trying not to cry:

As you may or may not know, myself and Bono and the rest of U2 are actually Irish. So bombing of any kind, even photobombing is in very poor taste. I’d worn my special hat so as you can imagine the whole evening was ruined.

Noted Jolly Bastard Mr. Cumberbatch laughed when told of the impending law suit, and issued a statement through his lawyers that stated simply:

I don’t give a toss.

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