SCRIPT LEAK: DANNY BOYLE’S 007 JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The script of Danny Boyle’s Bond 25 has leaked onto the internet.

The new James Bond director Danny Boyle is furious that the first draft of the script for the film has leaked onto the internet.

We publish an extract from the first few pages which we obtained from an anonymous source called Ewan McGregor.

EXT. EDINBURGH. DAY.

JAMES BOND runs down the street clutching a six pack of TENNENTS SUPER STRENGTH LAGER.

JAMES BOND (V.O.)

Choose being chased by Helicopters. Choose Walther PPK and a license to kill. Choose Bond girls and Austin Martins. Choose ejector seats and Union Jack parachutes. Choose Grace Jones and Christopher Walken. Choose Q and pens that fire lasers.

EXT. PARK. DAY.

SICK BOY and JAMES BOND have an air rifle and are aiming at random strangers. A skinhead with a bulldog.

SICK BOY 

(SEAN CONNERY accent)

Do you have the beasht in your shights 007?

JAMES BOND

Yesh.

INT. SLUM HOUSE. NIGHT.

James Bond is shooting up heroin. M comes in. 

M

007 what’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be on a mission in Brazil.

JAMES BOND

FFfffffffuck offfff.

Bond collapses. 

M

Oh my God, he’s overdosing.

SHIRLEY BASSEY sings ‘Perfect Day’.

 

THE END.

 

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DANIEL CRAIG’S LAST BOND FILM GETS TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig will appear in his last appearance as James Bond, 007 in Never Say Never Again Again.

So Idris Elba, Tom Hardy and Tom Hiddleston will have to cool their heels a little longer. Daniel Craig has confirmed he will be donning the tuxedo one more time. He came to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about it.

So here we are again. How’s it going?

Fine, Dan, fine. Tell me about the new Bond film.

We have a title. As you know we’ve run out of books, so we’re going back to remake Thunderball again. We’re calling it Never Say Never Again Again, because that sounds like the situation I’m in.

Why do another one? You obviously didn’t enjoy Spectre.

Fair question. Yeah, I was a bit grumpy about Spectre, because it is very physically demanding. Also the film itself turned out to be quite dour. This one we’re going for a whole new effect. I want it to be as funny as the Roger Moore films and as well put together as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Sam Mendes doesn’t want to direct anymore, so we’re currently searching for a director. I like Jim Jarmusch, or failing that David Lynch.

That would be a change.

Yeah I know. Ultimately, Bond needs to change if he’s going to survive. Fior instance, I also want the film to recognise that I’m older now. So I’m going to be doing a lot of sitting in comfy chairs and instead of foot chases, we’re going to have a chase on segues.

What about Christopher Nolan as a director?

I don’t know. He feels a bit young and untested.

Never Say Never Again Again will be released in 2020.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.