TERRENCE MALICK’S BOND SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that Terrence Malick‘s new James Bond film provisionally entitled The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs would be different.

With Leonard Cohen and Arvo Part collaborating on the theme song and Daniel Craig boning up on his Heidegger, the chances were Terrence Malick was going to head in a totally new direction. However, now with the leaking onto the internet of a 600 page draft of Malick’s finished script it has become clear that his Bond is going to be like nothing you have ever seen before. Read after the jump some choice extracts from the script.

EXT. PARADISE – DAY
Paradisial expanse of lush grassland. Dinosaurs and unicorns frolic.

EXT. WATERFALL – DAY

Water falls from a water fall. 

EXT. BEACH -TWILIGHT

M. walks towards camera past camera. Looks back wistful. She is dead and has therefore gone to the beach.

BOND (v.o.)
M? Mother? Who are you that sends me on these missions?
 
INT. LONDON WHITEHALL OFFICE EVENING

Bond sits at his desk looking thoroughly miserable. Miss Moneypenny comes in. No words. She dances around the room and together they discover the beautiful fall of the failing sun reflected on the wood paneling of the windowsill. They cry. 

MONEYPENNY (V.O.)
Why? Who sent us hear? Who invented this love that we call love but other people don’t call love and don’t love it as much as us lovers of love do? Was it you?

 

 
INT. CHURCH – MAGIC HOUR
Javier Bardem dressed as a priest.
PRIEST
Jesus is great. Really top class. 
EXT. VENICE
Bond admires the church architecture and takes note of the glittering sunlight on the canal water.
BOND (whispering)
Where am I? Who am I?
Venice explodes.
 
EXT. BEACH TWILIGHT
Bond dances past M on the beach.
M.
What happened?
BOND
What happens? Happens?
 
EXT. DINOSAURS
More dinosaurs. 
 
FINIS

The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs will be released in 2015.
 
   

TERRENCE MALICK TO DIRECT BOND 25

HOLLYWOOD – Although Spectre hasn’t yet been released talk is already rife about the follow up Bond film, known simply as Bond 25.

Daniel Craig recently confirmed that he would be signing on for another two Bond films, which will make him the third most Bond of the Bond actors to have played Bond, after Roger Moore and Sean Connery.

A massive explosion of news on Bond 24 came with the confirmation that Terry ‘The Machine’ Malick will be taking on directorial duties for the latest installment of the most popular action franchises in cinema history. Malick first made his name with Badlands back in 1973 and then became notorious for the time between projects: there was a gap of some twenty years between Days of Heaven (1978) and The Thin Red Line (1998). 

Daniel Craig greeted the announcement with some confusion: ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. However, the producers have made a habit of taking directors from smaller independent films and giving them the reigns: Sam Mendes being the latest example of this.

Although Malick has not himself commented on this latest project, a spokesperson close to him said that ‘Terry is looking forward to exploring 007’s spiritual dimension. There will be guns, gadgets and girls, but there will also be whispered voice overs imploring an ineffable god for signs of grace as well as magic hour photography and perhaps even a dinosaur or two.’


Estonian composer Arvo Part has also been added to the team to provide a stirring minimalist soundtrack. The film is not due for release until at the earliest 2016 and so time enough for Terry (at his current rate) to make another 6 or 7 films.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ TO BE ‘FIRST GERMAN JAMES BOND’

HOLLYWOOD – In a casting move which shocked the world, Oscar-winning actor Christoph Waltz has been cast to take over from Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond, 007.

The news came from esteemed English newspaper the Daily Mail, which claimed that Daniel Craig had been ditched at the last minute, due to his insistence on inserting his own self-penned ballads into the script (for more on the Daniel Craig’s musical Bond CLICK HERE).

Series producer Barbara Broccoli told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Daniel has been a great Bond. In Casino Royale and Skyfall especially. The Quantum of Solace was hampered by the writer’s strike but that’s history now. However, as we approached the shooting of Bond 24, he began to express some concerns about the script. He’d seen Les Miserables and really liked it and wanted to put some songs in the film which he would sing. Unfortunately he had to go and luckily Christoph was available.

Why Christoph Waltz?

It’s a radical choice. We were thinking of Idris Elba and having the first black Bond, or even Carey Mulligan and the first female Bond, but in the end we decided to go one further and in casting Christoph Waltz we’ll be making history in having our first German Bond!

How is that going to work? Isn’t James Bond quintessentially English?

No, not really. He wants to be English but he’s actually part Scottish, part French. Why not also part German? And to think of all those inner demons he has to struggle with. It will add to his character. And the villain,  Sir Charles Falkland Islands, played by Hugh Grant, will use that to undermine him.

Bond 24 will start shooting in December and is due for release in 2015.

HULK HOGAN TO FIGHT SAM MENDES

LONDON – The immortal Hulk Hogan issued a challenge to Bond director Sam Mendes today after Mendes decided against casting Hogan in an undisclosed role in the upcoming Bond 24.

“All my little Hulkamaniacs know the Hulkster is a man of his word but you Sam Mendes, you broke your word,” said an angry Hogan:

I came here today for one reason, to call you out Sam Mendes, to take you to task and when we step in the squared circle on December 14, pay-per-view, Madison Square Gardens. I’m gonna’ make you sing Sam Mendes, sing the power of the Hulkster, because this freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell, and when I get big enough, brother, there ain’t gonna’ be room for anybody else but me and all the Hulkamaniacs floating through my veins. So what you gonna’ do Sam Mendes, what you gonna’ do, when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania, runs wild on you!

Sam Mendes was unavailable for comment as he is currently rehearsing a production of Chekov’s The Seagull at the National Theatre in London. However, he did issue this statement:

I am the dream killer, Hogan, the reaper of souls, the master puppeteer on the stage of fools. I am the only one who can see the big picture, the grand design. So take your bleeding heart somewhere else. I am the master of the house, I pull the strings around here. So I don’t care who the hell you are. If you’re in my way, you will get taken down, taken down to Chinatown.

Mendes vs Hogan will be live on HBO on December 14.

BOND 24 OFFICIALLY TITLED ‘TIME SPIES’

LONDON – James Bond producer Barbara Broccoli has confirmed that Doctor Who scribe Steven Moffat has completed the first draft of the upcoming Bond film Time Spies.

Directed by Skyfall helmer Sam Mendes, Time Spies will feature the current 007 Daniel Craig pursuing his previous incarnations who have travelled through time and united to destroy MI6 and bring down the British government for unspecified reasons.

George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan have all signed on to return as Bond but so far Sean Connery is playing hard ball:

“Sean is such an asshole,” said an angry Broccoli.

He wants 5% of the gross and he refuses to work weekdays. I still haven’t forgiven him for that Never Say Never Again crap. I mean, he’s not even playing the real Bond, he’s playing a cyborg created by Blofeld! Oh dear. I’ve said too much haven’t I?

The Studio Exec tried to contact Connery for a comment but his agent said he was too busy playing golf. Woody Allen, on the other hand, had this to say:

I don’t understand why they didn’t ask me. I played James Bond in the original Casino Royale. I feel rejected, cast out. I’m 00-leper, license to rot in obscurity. You know I told my therapist about it and he…

Time Spies is due for release in 2015.

HARRY POTTER TO PLAY 007

HOLLYWOOD – Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe today revealed his biggest ambition: to play British secret agent 007, otherwise known as James Bond.

The pint sized actor told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If you think about it the perfect role for me would be James Bond. I mean I’m already established in the minds of the public as a British icon and so that’s half the battle. When we were doing the Deathly Hallows, I kept delivering this line ‘The name’s Potter, Harry Potter’ and we’d all laugh. But then I got to thinking. Why not? I’d be brilliant.

Radcliffe had further ideas about the direction the Bond franchise could take.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a problem that people think of me as Harry Potter. Why not incorporate that into the stories? Instead of going to Q division I could go to Diagon Alley. And I could use potions and spells, a Walther PKK wand and an Austin Martin Nimbus 2000. It would be fantastic.

The current Bond, Daniel Craig, believes that Radcliffe would be a good choice:

He’s got the presence, certainly and it would be interesting to make Bond younger. A sort of Jimmy Bond.

The producers Michael G Wilson and Barbara Broccoli were more circumspect about the possibility of a Radcliffe Bond anytime soon:

Ha ha ha, that’s funny. Yes, good one.

James Bond and the Mission of Danger  will be released in 2017.

MALICK FURIOUS ABOUT MENDES BOND BETRAYAL

f*cking furious

TEXAS – Terrence Malick – director of The Thin Red Line and The New World – unleashed a scathing attack on fellow director Sam Mendes, after the latter betrayed him by taking over the Bond franchise.
The Tree of Life director and famous recluse – who believed he was to direct the next instalment (Click HERE for more) – was reported to be seething and told the Studio Exec:

I’m absolutely livid. I’m completely cheesed off. If it wasn’t for the occasional bit of glory and some wonder now and then I wouldn’t know what to do.  

Apparently, Malick had been convinced that he was going to be the next director to be granted the privilege of helming a Bond film.

I distinctly heard Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson whispering to me – “Bond, Malick, brothers, who is it who will direct this film?” Now of course that’s not a contract so to speak, but for dirty ex-Mr. Winslett to sneak in and whip it out from under me. Well, dog gone it, my hackles done rose.

Daniel Craig was despatched to Malick HQ with a bottle of Jagermeister to try and make the peace, but returned with a shiner and a promise from Malick to ‘whup that limey’s ass’.

Bond 24 is coming out and going to be made before that.

BOND 24 TO BE TITLED: ‘THE WALKING DENCH’

Barbara Broccoli has confirmed that the follow up to Skyfall with be titled The Walking Dench.

“We are interested in exploring how James would deal with the undead,” said Broccoli.

“Zombies are very popular these days and we thought now would be the perfect time for Bond to dip his slightly salty tasting wick into that genre.” 

Broccoli went on to say that they went through many titles before they settled on The Walking Dench.

Oh we had a fun brain storming session and many great titles were suggested. Dead and Let Die, You Only Die Twice, The Spy who Ate Me, Eyeraker and Dr Noooooo! Eventually we settled on the Walking Dench but we haven’t really got a story yet. I just wanted to bring Judi back so I could kill her again.


Bond: The Walking Dench is due to be released in 2015

MALICK’S BOND FILM GETS A TITLE

HOLLYWOODTerrence Malick‘s Bond film – previously known as Bond 25 – has now got an official title: The Glory Glory Hallelujah Missile.

The film will star Daniel Craig as Britain’s most feared super spy, James Bond, 007. Music will be provided by Estonian minimalist Arvo Part and the story will revolve around 007 sudden crisis of faith which he will only be able to rekindle by his relationship with a beautiful dancing woman who whispers about nature and reads from a brilliant translation of Heidegger.

The villain is to be played by Adrien Brody but it is unlikely that he will actually appear in the finished picture.

James Bond Vs Godzilla is due for release in 2015.