LONDON – Barbara Brocolli was at the annual Harrods Champagne & Lobster banquet in aid of the World Food Bank last night and apparently let slip to an undercover reporter that 007 will pit his wits against none other than the legendary Ricardo Montalban in the as yet untitled upcoming Bond movie.

“Well originally we hired Woody Allen to play a rogue Mossad agent hired to assassinate Bond,” said a salty Brocolli.

But Woody said he’d only do it if he could compose and perform the opening song on his clarinet so we were forced to recast. We looked at a few alternatives, Dick Van Dyke, Richard Chamberlain and Henry Winkler were all considered but as soon as Ricardo Montalban’s name was mentioned, we knew we had our man. In fact, Ricardo is such perfect casting for the role of a Bond villain, I had to go back through the previous movies to check that he hadn’t already played one.

Asked how they will deal with the fact that Montalban passed away in 2009, Broccolli said it wasn’t an issue:

We are going to use footage of him in Columbo, The Wrath of Khan etc. and in additional scenes Kevin Spacey will fill in. He does this great impression of Ricardo and judging by the test footage we’ve already shot, we’re pretty sure Kevin will be up for an Oscar nomination.

Bond 24 is due for release in 2014


Barbara Broccoli has confirmed that the follow up to Skyfall with be titled The Walking Dench.

“We are interested in exploring how James would deal with the undead,” said Broccoli.

“Zombies are very popular these days and we thought now would be the perfect time for Bond to dip his slightly salty tasting wick into that genre.” 

Broccoli went on to say that they went through many titles before they settled on The Walking Dench.

Oh we had a fun brain storming session and many great titles were suggested. Dead and Let Die, You Only Die Twice, The Spy who Ate Me, Eyeraker and Dr Noooooo! Eventually we settled on the Walking Dench but we haven’t really got a story yet. I just wanted to bring Judi back so I could kill her again.

Bond: The Walking Dench is due to be released in 2015


HOLLYWOODTerrence Malick‘s Bond film – previously known as Bond 25 – has now got an official title: The Glory Glory Hallelujah Missile.

The film will star Daniel Craig as Britain’s most feared super spy, James Bond, 007. Music will be provided by Estonian minimalist Arvo Part and the story will revolve around 007 sudden crisis of faith which he will only be able to rekindle by his relationship with a beautiful dancing woman who whispers about nature and reads from a brilliant translation of Heidegger.

The villain is to be played by Adrien Brody but it is unlikely that he will actually appear in the finished picture.

James Bond Vs Godzilla is due for release in 2015.