CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

SPIKE LEE TO REMAKE ENTER THE DRAGON

BROOKLYN – Maverick director Spike Lee confirmed this week he will be remaking classic Kung Fu pic Enter the Dragon.

Following the 2013 Oldboy remake starring Josh Brolin, Spike Lee is to make Enter the Dragon.

Spike cordially told the Studio Exec:

I’ve had a taste of Far East cinematic cuisine and just like the actual cuisine of the Far East, it has left me hungry for more. Now I have a real grasp of the action dynamics and this time I will be going full out.

The new Enter the Dragon will star Ken Jeong of The Hangover ‘fame’ in the role made famous by Bruce Lee, Lee, a martial artist who agrees to participate in a tournament the better to spy on the doings of an evil crime lord. Billy Bob Thornton will play Roper, the American who aids Lee, a role originally played by cult movie legend John Saxon in the 1973 original.

In his usual laid back style, Spike Lee confided in Studio Exec:

The idea originally came from Bob Weinstein. He said ‘Your name is Lee. And Bruce Lee’s name is Lee! It’s meant to be.’ I was bowled over. I said, ‘Bob, the way you put things together is visionary.’  Also, everyone agreed that my Oldboy was so much better than Chan-wook Park’s frankly infantile effort. So then it occurred to me that although Enter the Dragon has this cult status, it isn’t really a very good film and it has almost no comedy routines. Ken Yeong will change that and I’ll direct the hell of it.

Enter the Dragon: A Spike Lee Joint will be released in 2018.

OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.