MY FAVORITE FILM: DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK: Hey everybody. I guess Donald Trump doesn’t need to go around introducing himself anymore, because everyone already knows who I am. I am Donald Trump, Reality TV star, business tycoon and the next President of the United States of Trumpania.

When my good friend the Studio Exec asked me to write a film review of my favorite film, I couldn’t help but wonder why someone hadn’t asked me to write one before. I’m the best at writing filming reviews because when I watch a film I know if it is good, or if it is bad instantly. As I’m watching it. I can even tell from just reading who is it in it. Before I even see it. But the question was what was my favorite film? That’s a good question. At first I thought The Bible! But then I realized that was a private matter and I wans’t even sure there was a film called The Bible. So then I realized my favorite is Alan Parker’s musical Pink Floyd: The Wall.

I know what you’re thinking. Brilliant choice Mr. Trump. Oh and can I have a job? Yes, I know it’s a brilliant choice. I made it. And talk to my people. I’m not dealing with hiring at the moment.

Pink Floyd: The Wall is about a guy called Pink – I know clever right – who builds this beautiful wall. I mean you should see it. White bricks – that’s not racist, but they are the best bricks – nice and tall, no beautiful door in it but still you can see where I’m going. So that’s the issue of illegals dealt with. But Pink Floyd: The Wall includes pretty much a policy document for me.

We Don’t Need No Education: that’s my education policy. The University of Life is enough for anyone with the smarts to make it in the real world.

Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb? Not if we drop it first and the Chinese know full well that I’m the kind of guy to do it!

Is there anybody out there? Yes, thousands of raping Mexicans. That’s why Pink builds the wall.

Does Anybody Here Remember Vera Lynn? Yes, World War Two forces sweet heart. What do I win?

Comfortably Numb: In two words my ideal electorate!

Pink builds himself a Tea Party-esque political movement and gets a haircut, which was long overdue. Though there is some lightness when he accidentally cuts his eyebrows off as well.

My only criticism of the film is that at the end they ‘bring down the wall’. That is dumb! Who would build a wall, spend their whole life building the wall only to tear it down at the end? Probably John McCain! Am I right?

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

DO AFRICANS KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?

LONDON – Do Africans actually know it’s Christmas? The Studio Exec investigates:

The idea that Africans don’t know when Christmastime is originates from the song written by Midge Ure for Band Aid thirty years ago and recently reissued to raise money for the Ebola crisis. Our Africa expert Dr. Chadden Berstill, however, contests the factual grounding of the Ultravox singer’s lyrics.

Chadden told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Africa is the second largest and second most populous continent in the world. It is made up of 52 recognised countries with a total population of over 1.1 billion people of whom 400 million are Christians. The idea that these Christians, or indeed the non-Christians who live in a world which is increasingly availing itself of technology and education, would somehow not know it was Christmas is stupid beyond belief.  Even in famine struck areas, or places where Ebola has claimed many lives, there is no evidence that the Gregorian calendar has ceased to exist and major religious festivities have been forgotten. The only African countries that do not use the Gregorian calendar as its civil calendar are Ethiopia and Eritrea.

A ha!

But even this calendar is a Coptic Christian calendar which still dates Christmas on the 7th of January.

That must be a mistake. Everyone knows Christmas is December 25th.

No. The Ethiopian date is actually based on the older Julian calendar and therefore can lay a claim to being more authentic.

Okay but the rest of the song is lyrically accurate, right?

No. The line ‘there won’t be any snow in Africa this Christmastime’ is inaccurate. There will be snow on Kilimanjaro, the Atlas mountains, high ground in Algeria and Morocco. The line ‘Nothing ever grows, no rain or river flows’ is arrant nonsense. Africa extends through the tropics, so there are plenty of places where it rains. And as for rivers the f*cking Congo flows for instance, oh, and the Nile.

Okay, but aren’t you being a little harsh. They are trying to help after all. And they changed some lyrics.

One of the most despicable lines: ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ has thankfully gone, but one of the new lines about the Ebola epidemic gives the worst kind of scaremongering: ‘Where a kiss of love can kill you and there’s death in every tear’. Jesus Christ, close the borders! This makes Nineteenth Century missionaries look positively enlightened. I’m not doubting the good intentions of Harry Styles, Bob Geldof, Sinead O’Connor and Bono, but they’ve had thirty years to think about the negative impact of portraying Africa as one big homogeneous pit of misery and death. When I listen to this, I don’t think of the Africa I know with its color and variety. I think of Mordor.

Still Band Aid 30 is there if you want to buy it. Which is certainly better than doing nothing. 

ADELE TO FIGHT BOB GELDOF

LONDON – In light of accusations that she refused to take part in the recording of  Band Aid 30’s godforsaken assault on the song ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’, Adele has released a statement offering to fight Bob Geldof with all proceeds of the bout going to charity:

“That floppy haired c*nt has been calling me a slag for not doing his f*cking record. I’m going to break his f*cking teeth if he has the balls to get in the ring with me,”  said the celebrated soul songstress.

I’ve hired out Wembley stadium for tonight and I’ll be there at eight o’ clock on the f*cking dot. If people want to come down it’s a tenner a ticket and in case that f*cking dickhead doesn’t turn up we’ve got a grizzly bear on standby for me to scrap with. You’re gonna see some claret whatever happens so get your f*cking arses to the show and let’s raise some money for Oxfam.

Bob Geldof was unavailable for comment but his spokesperson Ari Goldsmith issued the following statement:

Mr Geldof is always willing to sacrifice his body and soul for the greater good and would be willing to take up Adele’s offer to help raise money for a worthy cause. However, it is a matter of record that that he doesn’t like Mondays and being a superstitious man, he has decided not to fight this evening.

You can make a donation to Oxfam CLICK here.