OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

KENNY LOGGINS REACTS TO BOB DYLAN NOBEL PRIZE

HOLLYWOOD – Kenny Loggins has reacted to Bob Dylan’s winning of the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Famed American singer-songwriter Kenny Loggins today reacted to Bob Dylan winning the Nobel Prize for Literature:

I don’t get it. Did I fall asleep and miss something? I’m not doubting that Mr. Dylan had his fifteen minutes in the 60s, but there are others in the music industry who I believe are more deserving of the honor.

Really? Who?

I’m not going to start naming names but I would say how many songs has Dylan written for Caddyshack? There’s a question for one. And Top Gun for that matter? The Danger Zone was number one in Japan. Did you know that?

But Dylan is being recognized for his lyric writing.

Are you kidding me? Do you even know how hard it is to rhyme something with Please? Luckily I came up with Louise and knees, otherwise I would have been in deep shit. And as for social commentary, listen to this: [Singing]

I’ve been working so hard
I’m punching my card
Eight hours for what?
Oh, tell me what I got
I’ve got this feeling
That time’s just holding me down
I’ll hit the ceiling or else
I’ll tear up this town

That’s great, I just think that…

Now I gotta cut loose
Footloose, kick off the Sunday shoes
Please, Louise, pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back, come on before we crack
Lose your blues, everybody cut footloose!!!

Kenny Loggins new album Power Rangers will be released in January, 2017.

MADONNA AND BOB DYLAN TAKEN INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

HOLLYWOOD – Pops legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody it was revealed today.

The two musical legends Madonna and Bob Dylan have been taken into protective custody in a secret medical facility, the White House said, following the death yesterday of Prince. A spokesperson for the White House told the Studio Exec:

We just can’t risk it. We picked them up last night and we took them to a secret location where they will have twenty-four hour care and monitoring. There are also recording studios attached and writing materials in case Mr. Dylan wants to continue that wonderful autobiography of his. We’re going to keep them until January, 2017 if necessary.

The move received bipartisan support with the exception coming from Ted Cruz who, speaking from 1956, said that ‘pop music was the work of the devil’.

More on this story as it comes in.

BOB DYLAN DISOWNS HIS SON

HOLLYWOOD – Bob Dylan today disowned his son George Zimmerman, following the news that Zimmerman was painting confederate flags for a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner.

The folk singer and song writer Bob Dylan had kept silent about his son, throughout his trial for the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Dylan watchers said that Dylan’s silence was an attempt to distance himself from his progeny.

Leonard Cohen when asked stated:

I didn’t know they were related. I know Bob’s real name is Zimmerman, but I don’t recall him having a son called George. But then again I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Others ridiculed the idea that Bob Dylan should say anything about George Zimmerman. Bruce Springsteen told the Studio Exec:

Why should he come out and talk about it? George Zimmerman has nothing to do with him.

But filmmaker Spike Lee argued that Dylan’s first duty was to combat racism in all its forms:

The answer Mr. Dylan is not ‘blowing in the wind’, the answer is to be forthright and complete in your condemnation of your son’s actions.

The Oldboy director went on to give out the addresses of several old people who had vaguely similar names.

However, George Zimmerman’s most recent behavior – selling paintings of confederate flags to a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner – seems to have been a step too far for Dylan who told Studio Exec:

George Zimmerman is NOT my son. Do you understand? Now? Finally? Jesus Christ. And now look you’ve made me curse.

George Zimmerman was unavailable for comment.

 

MEMOIR: PECKINPAH PICKED A PACK OF PUNCHING PEOPLE

HOLLYWOOD – I’ll never forget Sam Peckinpah. Oh that I could. He was a maverick, a trickster, fighter, a visionary and a genuine pain in the butt. We were shooting Pat Garret and Billy the Kid. Bob Dylan and Harry Dean Stanton had been raising hullabaloo and had spoiled the take. Peckinpah launched himself at them, punching Dylan in the face, kicking Harry Dean Stanton’s legs from under him and jumped up and down on his head with both feet. H.D. lost his perfect cut glass English accent (often compared to Gielgud) and began to speak the way he does now for the rest of his life.
However, Peckinpah had a soft side. He didn’t have much time for animals and he despised children, and loathed women, but he loved delicate hand made dolls houses, which he would buy for huge sums of money and arrange around his house before smashing them all with a mallet he kept expressly for that purpose
We were making Straw Dogs in England and I remember Sam leafing through the catalogs for hours searching for a perfect replica of Chequers.
Dustin Hoffman made some off hand remark regarding the machismo of dolls houses. Sam through himself at him, kneeing him in the groin and the pulling him off the floor by a clamp like grip he had on Dustin nose. What he did next was a major factor in Dustin’s success in the role Tootsie, but as my old friend Sir Edwin Fluffer often says, that’s another story.

The Studio Exec recounted this story to Chad.

BOB DYLAN TO PLAY CATE BLANCHETT

HOLLYWOOD – Todd Haynes has confirmed that Robert Allen Zimmerman AKA Bob Dylan will play award winning actress Cate Blanchett in his long awaited biopic Carte Blanchett.

I considered Neil Young, Springsteen and Nick Cave for the role” said a suspiciously jolly Haynes. “But Cate did such a great job playing Dylan in ‘I’m Not There’ it stands to reason that Bob would be equally adept at playing her. We thought we’d have a problem getting him to agree to the nude scene but he was cool and said he’d just drink a bottle of Scotch and tuck it behind.
Dylan has been taking his preparations for the role so seriously, that during his recent gigs he has taken to dressing up as characters Blanchett has played throughout her illustrious career.
We thought Bob had lost his mind,” said tour manager Butch Race. 
He turned up on stage wearing a white dress and fake pointy ears and sang ‘Like a Rolling Stone’ in this crazy  language that later I found out was something called ‘Elvish’. Then the next night he came on dressed as Elizabeth 1st I mean, Bob’s a great artist and all, but he’s taking this Blanchett thing a little too far.
Jefferson Rolo from ‘Inside Hollywood’ magazine, claims the film is going to feature a host of secret cameos by Dylan’s friends and fellow musicians.
I don’t want spoil anything. But I have it on good authority that Willie Nelson will be playing Bruce Willis and Leonard Cohen is in negotiations to play Dame Judy Dench.

 Carte Blanchett is due to be released in 2016.