HOLLYWOOD – A-List actor and housewives’ favorite, Ryan Gosling has sensationally quit mainstream cinema for a career in adult entertainment.
TheStudio Exec caught up with Gosling on the set of his first porn film Missionary: Impossible in which he plays the lead character of super spy Ethan Hump.
Ryan. Why porn?
Well I came to the conclusion that the audience isn’t really interested in my movies. Sure they watch them and they pretend they appreciate my performance but at the end of the day they just want to see my cock.
How did you reach that conclusion?
I get about 100 fan letters a day, from both men and women and they never say ‘Hey Ryan, I admired your work in Blue Valentine or ‘ Your performance in Half-Nelson encouraged me to get off crack’. Instead, it’s always ‘Can you send me a picture of your cock?’ Personally I don’t find the male genitalia that aesthetically pleasing but I guess I’m in the minority.
Why do you think people are infatuated with your penis?
I’m just the flavour of the month. Mike Fassbender told me he used to get 1000s of requests and he only did Shame because he was sick of photocopying his cock. After he showed it on camera the requests stop coming. People just want to see it. Christ knows what they think I’ve got down there.
I assume that it must be impressive.
You’ll never get to know. I’ll be using a stunt cock for all of my sex scenes.
What’s a stunt cock?
My buddy Jimmy Riggs. It’s his cock you’ll see on all the close ups. You think I’m going to show my cock on camera? My f*cking mother’s alive for Christ sake. Would you want your mother to see your cock?
Well if you aren’t showing your own cock then surely you’ll still get the requests.
Yeah but as far as I’m concerned that’s better than the alternative. Hell I might have kids one day and do I want to sit across from my son or daughter’s English teacher at parents’ evening thinking ‘Have they seen my cock?’ No I do not.
But what if the English teacher was one of those people who wrote to you to request a picture?
Then they should be f*cking fired! What kind of weird bastard writes to someone to ask them to send you a picture of their cock! Most of the time they don’t even introduce themselves or bother starting the letter with a ‘Dear Ryan’. Last week I got cocktail napkin with ‘SEND COCK’ written in lipstick. I mean whatever happened to common f*cking courtesy?
Indeed. Sorry that’s all we’ve got time for. By the way, would you mind autographing a picture for my wife? Put, to Karen, all my love Ryan.
Sure no problem. I’ve got some head shots here. Do you think she’ll want a side profile or face forward?
Er. I don’t suppose you’ve got any of those cock shots left do you?
HOLLYWOOD – Oscar winning actress Helen Hunt has signed up for The Human Centipededirector Tom Six’s latest project Whore Horse. The twisted tale of a woman who seduces a down on his luck Stallion.
We caught up with Hunt over a light lunch to discuss her latest project.
Miss Hunt. What attracted you to Whore Horse?
Well it certainly wasn’t the script. It reads like it was written by a 3 year old with a chunky a crayon.
So was it the opportunity to work with Tom Six?
Christ no. The man’s a degenerate hack I wouldn’t p*ss on him if he was on fire. To be honest the only reason I’m doing it is because I was interested in investigating the sexual attraction between a woman and a horse.
I see. Couldn’t you have just done that in the privacy of your own stable?
Sure, but I want my work to be seen by as many people as possible. Not only that but I feel it’s my responsibility as an artist to shatter sexual taboo’s and encourage debate.
Interesting. So what can you tell us about plot?
I play Sandra. A divorced gambling addict who hangs around the race track. One night after a few too many cocktails I stumble into the stable of ‘Tokyo Joe’, an ageing horse on a losing streak. One thing leads to another and we end up spending the night together. The next day I place a bet on Joe and he wins his race. From then on it’s in my best interests to maintain the relationship.
I assume this ‘relationship’ will be hinted at rather than graphically portrayed.
Oh it’s pretty graphic all right. Nothing is left to the imagination but as well as unbridled passion, there is tenderness. It’s a love story. A kind of Blue Valentine meets Seabiscuit.
It sounds like it’s going to cause quite the stir. Miss Hunt, thanks for the interview.
Whore Horse will be released in December 2012