MALIBU – Alec Baldwin star of such films as Glengarry Glen Ross and Blue Jasmine, announced today that as part of his re-education program, following a series of scandalous and homophobic tweets, he is going to change his sexuality for one year and be officially homosexual for the entirety of 2014.
An obviously tipsy (but happy) Mr. Baldwin said: ‘Sure why not? Might be a gas!’
I’ve often thought of swinging both ways but repression up until now has been quite successful and has only been hinted at by ‘The Lady doth protest too much’ homophobia! I think one giveaway is the number of times I use the phrase ‘c*cksucker’.
Representatives of the LGBT community welcomed Mr. Baldwin’s move, although making it clear that they believed sexuality was not a choice as such. Marcia Levelly said:
I’ve got a feeling this is just a ruse for Mr. Baldwin to do what he always wanted to do and so I say good luck to him. Once he’s had a taste, I don’t think he’ll ever go back.
Alec Baldwin will be gay until 2015.
SYDNEY – Elf princess and Blue Jasmine star, Cate Blanchett has legally changed her name to Cate Blanket ‘for a joke’.
‘It will be easier for people to spell,’ said Cate Blanchett. ‘But more importantly it’s titty-fil-arious.’
This is not the first time that Cate Blanket’s sense of humor has got the better of her. While filming Notes on a Scandal, Blanket put plastic film over Dame Judi Dench’s toilet, causing the M actress to get a soggy bottom. While making The Hobbit, Hugo Weaving complained that Blanket would poke him in the Elronds in-between takes and thusly put him off. Brad Pitt famously swore that he would never work with Blanket again when – during the filming of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – the actress shaved the Inglourious Basterd’s eyebrows off while he slept.
‘She’s crazy,’ he said.
Cate Blanket will next appear in Terry Malick’s knock-about comedy Knight of Cups in 2014.
HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that it was a brave choice after the success of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy to hand over DC Comic’s biggest superhero star to an eclectic auteur like Woody Allen.
‘We always knew Woody’s Batman would be a totally different creature to Christopher’s,’ said producer Sarah Green. ‘But I have to say we are disappointed with what we’ve seen so far.’
First the veteran writer director changed the title from The Amazing Batman to Blue Jasmine, Green complains.
Then in the main role he casts Cate Blanchett, changing the name from Bruce Wayne to Jasmine, gets rid of Alfred, the Batmobile, the Batwing, Wayne Manor, the villains, the cape and sets most of the film in San Francisco where everyone comes out with tersely witty but true lines and talk mostly about relationships.
Actor Alec Baldwin said that he was confused by the whole Batman angle:
We never spoke about it on set and when I did try and broach the subject with Woody in private, he couldn’t talk properly because he was giggling so much. I couldn’t get any sense out of him.
Louis C.K. who also has a role in the film explained how he saw matters.
I think what he did is take the studio’s budget of the hundred million, then made his usual twelve million film, and spent the rest of the money on solid gold clarinets. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.