FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 4

Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with the fourth part of his wonderful yearbook of 2014.

Aug 1st Kirk’s hugely excited about Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Lauren Bacall’s expressed an interest, so naturally I’m thrilled. It’s a real honour to appear onscreen with such a true icon of Hollywood’s golden age, and I’m sure she’ll rise to the challenge quite admirably.

Aug 7th Peter Jackson’s had me back in to re-shoot the ending for The Hobbit. He wants to lighten the mood a bit, so the idea is Gandalf will finally return from the quest to be welcomed home by me as his dear old Dad.  I ad-libbed a line about having trouble getting the orc’s blood out of his cape, so it would be nice if they could use that.

Aug 12th Lauren Bacall has passed away.  Another dear friend gone and suddenly I feel so terribly alone. Watched Home Alone 2, that always cheers me up.

Sep 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got Richard Kiel for Baby Jane! I’m starting to wonder what direction this project is heading in, but Dickie is a dear old friend and always a joy to work with. You never need a bottle opener when he’s at the party!

Sep 10th Richard Kiel’s died. Roger Moore once told me that Richard had the softest hands of any Bond villain who’s ever tried to throttle him. Apparently he’d never offer to do the washing up unless there was a pair of gloves he could use and it must’ve done wonders for his skin.

Sep 27th I’ve been invited to sit on the jury at one of these European film festivals. It sounded like quite a jolly little jaunt, but then the organisers said that unlike the journalists I would be expected to watch the all the pictures right the way through to the end. Ever since I had that funny turn during Blue Is The Warmest Colour my doctor’s advised me to stay away from anything with subtitles, so I shall probably have to say no.

Oct 1st Kirk’s started work on the soundtrack for Baby Jane. I think he’s putting the cart before the house because we haven’t even started filming yet, but he’s heard of this chap called Raphael Ravenscroft who played the sax solo on a song called Baker Street and apparently now he can’t stop singing it!

Oct 13th Turned on the telly this afternoon and they’re showing Apache Chaps meet Dracula. I always thought Bela Lugosi was dreadfully miscast, but money was tight on that one and he had his own cape. I distinctly remember being very impressed by the way he used his fangs to eat corn on the cob.

Oct 19th Raphael Ravenscroft’s died. Kirk’s terribly upset, but he played a trumpeter in Young Man With A Horn, so he’s hoping he can get away with it. I’ve still got the ukulele I played in Apache Chaps Rule The Waves so I’ll try and strum along on that.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE OSCAR ELIMINATES THE GOOD FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – The Foreign Language Oscar short list has been announced and the good news is that the pesky good films have been produced by the rest of the world this year aren’t on the list. The Past and Blue is the Warmest Color are two such works of beautiful cinematic artistry which won’t be bothering the podium. 

Spokesperson Willing Hampton said:

This year was a very strong field and the last thing we want is another Amour. I mean we’re all there celebrating Tom Hanks and Pacific Rim and then these Goddam foreigners turn up with their ‘characters’ and their ‘serious commitment to cinema as a form of art’. It’s disgusting. So we’ve managed to filter out some of the best ones. 

Some good films are still in the list, however. Italian Dolce Vita update The Great Beauty is a favorite as is Scandinavian thriller The Hunt.  

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STUDIO EXEC PENS AN OPEN LETTER TO DIRECTOR AND CAST OF BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR

5100 West Sunset Boulevard,
HOLLYWOOD 
California
USA

Dear Abdellatif Kechiche, Léa Seydoux and Adèle Exarchopoulos,

I watched with an enormous sense of emotional investment your Palme d’Or triumph Blue is the Warmest Color. It was in my humble opinion one of the best love stories committed to celluloid in the last two decades, if not more. It was an epic of the intimate. Steven Spielberg – who sat next to me during the screening – turned to me and said “We are all lesbians”. I later saw him jumping up and down on his baseball cap, as he realised his best films were well executed comic books for adults. Even Ang Lee was blubbing and you know what a rock that man has for a heart. So please, bearing in mind the love, the genuine love and admiration I feel for your wonderful film, I have to tell you: 


SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

For the love of Christ, shut up. 

Léa and Adèle, we get it, the film was hard to make, the director a bit of an asshole, and for the record and the umpteenth time you are not gay (as if anyone gives a shit). 

And Abdellatif, you are a sensitive artist and your heart is wounded, but you’re also a manipulative bastard, admit it. You’re a film DIRECTOR for crying out loud! It’s part of your essential skill set. 

I’ve been lucky enough to see what I consider as close to a work of art as cinema ever gets, now shut up, shut up,

SHUT UP!

Thanks,

And well done. Seriously well done.

Best Wishes

The Studio Exec   

BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR: REVIEW

LONDON – Abdellatif Kechiche’s Blue is the Warmest Color is a long, long film about lesbians falling in love, and it’s French, and you have to read the Goddam thing because the Assholes insist on speaking French for the whole Goddam film, and yet it’s one of the best things I’ve seen this year by miles. And no, that’s not because of the ten minute long sex scene. Or not only. 

Based on a graphic novel by someone, the film traces a relationship from love at first glance through passion, to disillusionment and betrayal. It takes its own sweet time, but with that you enter the lives of Emma (Léa Seydoux) and Adèle (Adèle Exarchopoulos) to such an extent that when the film is over you feel almost as emotionally drained as the fictional characters. Almost like you lost two friends. This is as good as love stories get.  

CANNES DIARY: THE END

CANNES – So the Cannes jury have spoken. After seven minutes of deliberation, followed by sixteen hours of Twister to kill the time before the announcement, Steven Spielberg revealed that the winner was La Vie di Adéle, or to give it its English title Blue is the Warmest Color.
This is a deserving victory. This is the kind of film that makes you believe in the possibility of cinema, changing your life and the world you live in. And there’s a ten minute lesbian sex scene.

The lass from The Artist has learnt to speak and the effect was a best actress nod for The Past. Bruce Dern won the longevity prize and Amat Escalante won a prize for best penis being set on fire scene in the devastating Heli. The Coens had to make do with the runner’s up prize, but they’re still very happy that Frances McDormand has now married both of them.