JAMES BOND SPINOFF MOVIE ANNOUNCED

BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.

Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?

We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.

Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?

He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.

How Do You Intend To Do That?

We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.

Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?

Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.

The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

 

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

 


The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

 

Marvel-lous Car Prices

 

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

 

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

 

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

DORFF DENIES MCU REJECTION

HOLLYWOOD: In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Stephen Dorff denies MCU rejection after slating the upcoming Black Widow movie by Marvel.

 



Stephen, thank you for agreeing to talk with us:

 


Yeah well, everyone wants a piece of Dorff now, don’t they. I say one little thing about Marvel movies and you all come running.

 


It was quite inflammatory, in all fairness. You certainly didn’t hold back:

 


Why should I? There’s no quality in mainstream cinema anymore. Fucking Marvel. They’re a bunch of assholes. I went to them with my Blade spin-off idea and they fucking laughed at me. I wanted to do a stop motion animated kids series all about Deacon Frost. He was my character in Blade, not that anyone gives a shit. But even if they said yes, I would’ve turned them down. Assholes.

 

Would you say you’re bitter about that:

 

No. I don’t even care nor nuffin. Scarlett is a great actress but she’s wasting her time making millions upon millions and pleasing all those people with that baseless crap. She should be doing what I’m doing. Out there, on the edge. I’m on that artistic razor blade man. I’m busting a gut, day and night trying to make quality movies. Real art, ya dig?

 

Such as:

 

Um, I was in Albion: The Enchanted Stallion, Space Truckers umm… oh yeah, and I was in True Detective.

 

Yeah, but not the good season with Woody and Matthew:

 

Aw, why’d you have say that. Ya couldn’t just let me have that, could you. You’re all the fucking same. I wasn’t in that second season. That was a real piece of shit, whereas my season was a little better than just shit. It was mediocre. That’s ok isn’t it? Mediocre is a pass. C-grade average kinda stuff. I’m sorry, I’m not crying, I just have some dust in my eyes.

 

Steven Dorff denies MCU rejection and will soon be starring in a straight to budget streaming service with his next project.

AVENGERS 4 WILL KILL OFF EVERYONE

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel big boss Kevin Feige revealed that Avengers 4 will kill off the entire cast.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Marvel president Kevin Feige promised that the next Avengers film – Avengers 4 – will be a character blood bath.

First, we’ve looked at all the superhero films around and we’ve seen that audiences are getting tired of this stuff. There’s a point that comes where they want some kind of closure. So, for the next Avengers movie we’ve decided on a radical solution. A kind of WTF finale. Where everyone dies! Do you get it?

Wow!

I know. I first got the idea from watching Game of Thrones. You see those guys came up with a brilliant idea. You have established characters everyone knows and loves and they seem to be on a journey. And then BHAM! They’re dead. Or squish, in the case of the guy who got his head caved in.

Oberyn Martell?

That’s the guy.

So you’re going to kill them all off?

Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk Thor.

The Black Widow?

Who?

Scarlett Johansson. 

Oh yeah. Definitely.

Aren’t you worried that telling us this will spoil the movie?

Telling everybody? I’m only telling you SE. Hey, you’re not going to tell anyone are you?

Er. No.

Good. You got anymore shrimp. These are delicious.

Avengers 4 will be released in 2018.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO STAR IN HOLLYWOOD REMAKE OF UNDER THE SKIN

HOLLYWOOD – A re-make of Under the Skin is in ‘rapid turnaround’, according to industry insiders. Following the positive critical response to the sci-fi/sexual thriller, Hollywood took immediate note and looked to capitalize on the hot property.

We spoke to Scarlett Johansson who has sensationally been cast in the lead in this intriguing project.

It’s a real honor to even be considered for the lead in this project. The original Under the Skin is one of my favorite films this year so it’s a dream role.

How will this version differ from the original? 

It’s got to be its own thing you know? It’s like adapting a book. Certain things just don’t work in a big budget movie. So with that in mind I’ll be playing the main part as Black Widow, my character from the Marvel films. And it’ll be set in L.A. I don’t think people are ready for a two hour film set in bleak Glasgow housing estates and creepy Scottish valleys. The real meat of the story is there without all those contrivances.

And what about the radical format of the original? will you still be driving around trying to pick up non-actors and secretly filming them?

Hell no! Ha ha ha! How would that work? No, we’ve nailed a much more realistic approach where I drive around the back-lot of in-production movies in one of those little golf carts. So in one scene I just rock up to the set of a Judd Apatow movie and just start flirting with Seth Rogan and shit. That scene replaces the seduction of the man with facial disfigurement in the original…which, let’s face it, is just f*cking weird.

Well that does sound radical! And what of the other worldly motivations of the character? does she still have a somewhat nefarious agenda?

Ha ha ha ha! You talk funny! are you flirting with me buster? Ha ha ha! no, we ditched all that. No one wants to watch a character do things you don’t understand. In this version, we have a straight to camera narration to keep the thing grounded and she rates her ‘pick ups’ as she goes, it gives the film a bit more structure, and she sort of works her way up from sit-com losers to real movie star hotties too, so it’s more aspirational and will connect more with a young female audience. Now just walk towards me.

 Sure. I mean I have to go but… 

Shhhhh. Just keep on walking. Don’t look down. Almost there.

 Under Dat Skin will be released in 2016.