DENTIST TO THE STARS: 2. MILA KUNIS

HOLLYWOOD – Malvin Putobis, Dentist to the Stars, lifts the lid on the pearly whites of Mila Kunis.

Hi! My name is Malvin Putobis and I am Dentist to the Stars. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent inside the mouths of the rich and famous. Drilling here, polishing their, occasionally (sniff) extracting. My best pal the Studio Exec asked me if I could reveal some of the secrets about my famous clients. Immediately I said, ‘No f*cking way!’ Then he mentioned money and I said:

Mila Kunis is a delight. Why Malvin? you ask. Well, I’ll give you it in three words: ‘Gums, gums, gums.’ That’s right. Lots of people think that the secret to good teeth is in the shine of the enamel, but for us pros of the mouth the enamel is the tip of the oral iceberg. The gums are where all the action is and Mila has always been one of my favorite clients. I think it must have something to do with her coming from Russian stock. You can imagine her Grandmother riding the Steppes holding the rein of her horse clamped between her sturdy teeth, hoping that the strength of her gums will be enough to keep the Bolsheviks at bay.

Mila first reclined on my chair – the Putobis 5000 – for the first time in 2010. She’d just got the gig to do Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan and was smoking a lot of cigarettes. I worked on the discoloration and then stood back in surprise. ‘What is it?’ Ms. Kunis asked. ‘It’s your gums,’ I said. ‘They’re pure and beautiful.’ From that day forth, we’ve been friends. Though when I finally saw Black Swan I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t once show her gums in the whole movie, but that’s just testament to what a modest actor Mila really is.

Next week, Martin Short.

DARREN ARONOFSKY AND DAVID FINCHER FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER HAVING GOT LOST IN THE WOODS

HOLLYWOOD – Film directors Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher have been rescued alive and well from the Appalachian Trail which they had begun two years ago.

Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky and his best pal Seven director, David Fincher yesterday emerged from the woods in Georgia. They were dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise in good health.

Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher decided to embark on the Appalachian trail in 2014, following the release of Fincher’s Gone Girl, an adaptation of the best seller by Gillian Flynn. However, friends of the pair became concerned when the two film directors failed to contact anyone for six months. A friend of the pair told Studio Exec:

The boys had wanted to do this trail for years. But I was always worried, because neither one of them is particularly capable. I remember David telling Darren, ‘The first rule of the Appalachian Trail is you don’t take a map of the Appalachian Trail.’ I thought that was dumb. I was hoping that Darren would have more sense, but then again he did think Noah would be a hit, so what does he know, right?

 According to Aronofsky, problems began almost immediately:

We set off but whenever I asked David about a decision – putting up the tent, lighting a camp fire, orienteering – he just kept telling me that he’d fix it in post with CGI.

However, Fincher also criticized his companion:

Darren is a wonderful friend, but he isn’t very practical. He kept haring off into the woods looking for what he called ‘the cure for death’. I think it was something Natalie Portman had told him about.

A Walk in the Woods 2 will be released in 2018.

DARREN ARONOFSKY CONFIRMS NOAH PREQUEL

NEW YORK – During an interview at the New York Film Festival, Darren Aronofsky told the journalists that he intended to film a prequel to his hit film Noah, provisionally titled Genesis.

Although Aronofsky said the production was in its early stages he did confirm that Adam Driver and Eva Mendez are going to play Adam and Eve, and that they’ll be tempted in the garden of Eden by Russell Brand.

Darren Aronofsky told assembled members of the world press and the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The only reason I want to do it is because people have told me its a stupid idea. I did the same thing when they told me a film about ballerinas was a non-starter. They said hiring Mickey Rourke to play a wrestler would be a disaster. They even said that Hugh Jackman trying to cure death via magic mushrooms would not be a popular movie. Okay, they were right with the last one, but this has hit written all over it. Also to keep the consistency of names that I’ve got going in the cast, I’ve also got Genesis to agree to provide the soundtrack.

 

Genesis: The Invisible Touch will be released in early Spring of 2016. 

 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: BLACK SWAN 2

HOLLYWOOD –  Arnold Schwarzenegger will take the lead role in Black Swan 2: The Nut Cracker, 20th Century Fox today confirmed.

Schwarzenegger plays Drako, ex-Special Forces who enters the world of ballet to tackle his post-traumatic stress but who becomes possessed by the demonic Swan from the first movie. Consumed by the blood lust of the were-bird, Drako uses his performances to bewitch and kill terrorists who he lures onto the stage of the New York Metropolitan Theater.  Schwarzenegger spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

When Darren [Aronofosky] first talked to me about the project, he asked me how I felt about Tchaikovsky and I told him it’s good at close range but the magazine sometimes jams. Ha ha ha. I wasn’t joking.

What will you bring to the role?

I’ll add nuance, a deft touch to steer BS2 away from the base vulgarity of the original. Natalie Portman was good but I don’t want everyone to say: ‘Oh look, Arnie’s doing a Portman’. No, this is not just a copy of BS; it is a magnification. It is total BS.

What do you think of ballet?

Dance combines peaceful movement with the strength and focus of the more brutal martial arts. I will be wearing a tutu, but I’ll also be doing the ripping eyeballs out and the stomping the skulls, so I suppose that expresses the duality of man, ya? 

Black Swan 2: The Nut Cracker will be released in 2015.

ARONOFSKY: NOAH IS ACTUALLY WE BOUGHT A ZOO PREQUEL

 HOLLYWOOD – Darren Aronofsky has explicitly stated for the first time that his new film Noah actually started life as a prequel to the Cameron Crowe 2011 classic We Bought a Zoo.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Aronofsky seemed extremely excited about his new film:

We’ve done a good job. I mean I had to shoot around Russell’s performance a great deal, but Hermione put in a decent day or two and Ray Winstone is really cheap. 

Talking about the origins of the project, the Black Swan director had this to say:

It started off as a prequel to We Bought a Zoo. Cameron was toying with the idea. He had something …  a very early draft. It might even have just been a treatment. Anyway, he asked me to have a pass at it and I said, “Okay but what if we go back in time. Who was the first father who kinda accidentally/on purpose bought a zoo?” And just like that it came to both of us at exactly the same time: Noah!!!

He continues:

Well, then after I had that as my starting point, the script just flew out. It was so easy!

Noah will be released in 2014. 

 

NASA BRAND ARONOFKSY’S NOAH ‘INACCURATE’

HOUSTON – After the furore over Gravity, NASA have weighed in again on the accuracy of Darren Aronofsky’s new Biblical epic, Noah starring Russell Crowe and Anthony Hopkins.

Following a special preview of the film, NASA took the unusual step of writing a letter to the Black Swan director which they accidentally on purpose CC-ed to us here at Studio Exec. Here it is in full: 

Hey Dazzers!

 

 Sorry, we mean Mr. Aronofsky. It’s late here at Mission Control and we’ve been smoking Blue Dream. Really quite excellent, if you can get… wait who are we telling? You made The Fountain and you don’t know Blue Dream? Yeah right!?

Anyhoo, can we say we are all big fans of your films, especially of Pi and The Wrestler (Black Swan not so much, but you know). We got an opportunity to watch Noah – what with the Shuttle program effectively mothballed we’re setting up as freelance film critics – and we have some thoughts.


1. Universal flood: WHAT? I mean, come on. There’s no evidence for any such flood. It just couldn’t happen. Didn’t happen. So that’s basically the whole of your film hitting the Bullshit Button straight away.

2. Ark: we’re not convinced that this is a credible solution. The weight of biomass would sink any boat that existed in that period, or this period for that matter.

 3. Animals: Two by two makes sense logistically, but it is too small a sample to ensure survival. And there are very big hygiene issues.What about incidences of infertility/sterility? Also keeping different livestock in such close proximity is just asking for a bird flu outbreak. Literally asking for it. 

4. Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly in the same film. Very good call Mr. Aronofsky. No complaints there. 

Okay, that’s all from us. We can’t sit around fact checking films all day. Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself you know.  
Lots of love

NASA

NOAH WAY OUT: OUR ON LOCATION REPORT

ICELAND – When famous loony Darren Aronofsky announced that his follow up to Black Swan would be a Biblical epic called Noah starring Russell Crowe as the unicorn-hating and wine-inventing weatherman, many people said, “No! Jesus, is he high?” and then after a moment’s consideration the same people said, “I suppose he did make The Fountain, so anything is possible.”

Rumours have been abounding for months but now Studio Exec can reveal how filming is progressing with this exclusive on location report.

It is a still, clear morning. Early and cold and we’re in Iceland. Russell Crowe is having his beard attached with specially imported Japanese dolphin glue and relaxes by throwing his telephone at his PA.

“Come on cobber,” he growls. “Stop crying and throw it back.”

Aronofsky blunders into the trailer with the shot list and some last minute suggestions.

 
“G’day mate,” says Darren, who was told as a joke that Russell only speaks Australian, and took it seriously. “Shrimps … barbie …etc.”
 
Outside the set is complete. A massive boat looms in the milky light of dawn. The lights are ready and the extras assemble in costume and then inevitably come the animals, led by their trainers and handlers, animals taken from all over the world. A menagerie, a zoo, a circus. A lot of animals.

“Lots of the hot climate animals died, but it’s worth it,” says Emma Watson. “I mean we can get more tigers, but Darren’s films are genuinely endangered.”
 
Watson jumped at the chance to do the part. “I know people think of me as Sam from Perks of Being a Wallflower, but I hope this will give me the chance to leave that Perks of Being a Wallflower thing behind. I’m grateful to Perks of Being a Wallflower for making me who I am today and making me world famous, but I want to be known as a serious actress. And maybe after I finish this film I’ll find a film that will give me my chance.”
 
Jennifer Connelly, who plays Emma’s mother, sits in her chair, her head in her hands, weeping inconsolably. She quickly wipes away her tears and makes out nothing is the matter as I approach. “How is it working with the animals?” I ask.
 
“Fantastic,” she says, sniffling as Aronofsky and Crowe approach and the set goes quiet. “The monkeys stand for honesty,” She continues, smiling weakly. “The giraffes are insincerity.”
 
“And the elephants are kindly but they’re dumb,” interjects Aronofsky.

“Orang-Utans are sceptical of changes in their cages,” adds Watson knowingly. “And the zoo keeper is very fond of rum.”
 
“Zebras are reactionaries,” Crowe suddenly bursts into song (something I had been warned about). “Antelopes are missionaries, pigeons trade in secrecy and hamsters turn on frequently.”
 
Suddenly the crew and the extras and I could swear some of the animals are chorusing, “What a gas! you gotta come and see, At the Zoo, At the Zoo! At the Zoo!”
 
Massive crescendo.
 
“And cut,” shouts Aronofsky exuberantly. “Print it.”   

Noah is slated for release in 2014.