Tag: Billy Crystal

MEL GIBSON AND WOODY ALLEN BRAWL IN PUBLIC

LOS ANGELES – Earlier this evening in one of the high class dining places in West Hollywood, Mel Gibson was enjoying a quiet dinner with a couple of intimate friends (Whoopi Goldberg and Vin Diesel), when Woody Allen walked in.

‘Woody spotted Mel immediately,’ said one patron of Chez Dave. ‘He just took a bee-line to him and got right in his face, pointing his finger and shouting, “You’re right motherfucker, we did start the wars. And here comes another one, ASSHOLE!” and then he jumped him.’

Many were worried that the small New York quipster had bitten off more than he could chew by confronting the Australian action star, but Billy Crystal begs to differ. ‘I once made a gag about not thinking Woody Allen was funny until I heard him play the clarinet,’ Crystal said today, holding up his mangled hand. ‘He bit my goddamn finger clean off.’

The fight was over in less than a minute. Mel was in the process of standing up holding his hands out to placate the 77 year old director when Allen pounced, launched his famous two fist attack.

‘It’s like he’s a superhero whose powers are enhanced in the presence of anti-Semitism,’ said waiter Keely Johnson. ‘He had Gibson on the ground in no time. And was just pounding on his face with two fists. Man, he just totally kicked Gibson’s ass up and down the restaurant.’

The police arrived some minutes later, but Gibson – or The Beaver as he now likes to be known – refused to press charges, mumbling through broken teeth that ‘I have learned a valuable lesson and will my mend my ways.’

Woody Allen after applying ice to his slightly swollen hands sat down and enjoyed the lobster as if nothing had happened.

Woody Allen’s new film We Start the Wars will be released in 2018.

WOODY ALLEN TRILOGY PLANNED

NEW YORK, BARCELONA, LONDON, ROME – Writer, wit, film-maker, clarinet player and international playboy, Woody Allen talked EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec today about his post-Batman plans.

“I’ve been working on a series of scripts for a trilogy,” said Woody Allen, laughing. “Once I’m done with Gotham, I want to get back out there and do some pictures set in European capitals starring sexy ladies, but each film with only three or four good jokes, five jokes tops.”

The director of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Midnight in Paris and To Rome with Love, Woody – who was named after his mother’s favourite flavour of whiskey (“I was lucky, my brothers Peaty and Strong Caramel After Taste less so”) – said:

Working on Batman has been a complete departure for me, and I’ve enjoyed it but I want to get back to what I do best: disappointing my fans. I have three scripts ready to go which I’ll be making as a trilogy. Scarlett Johansson is back for Wednesday Afternoon in Oslo, then Mila Kunis will be strangling an English accent in To Coventry with Animosity. And finally I have the wonderfully talented Eva Green in Penelope Jennifer Stuttgart. 

However, Mr. Allen will first be finishing his forthcoming Batman movie which stars Billy Crystal as the caped crusader.

Woody Allen’s Batman is due for release in 2016.

OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.  

KEVIN COSTNER’S WORLD OF FENCES

HOLLYWOOD – Hey everybody, my name’s Kevin Costner, star of such films as Waterworld, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Open Range.

But what you might not know about me is that I’m also a certified fence expert and have been collecting fences since 1981 and I’m proud to have this opportunity to introduce the uninitiated to the wonderful and surprisingly exciting world of fences. 



Here you can see the first fence I acquired. I got it from Provence which is situated in France. It’s a ramshackle and rustic little fella and probably none too efficient at keeping your livestock separate, but I think you’ll agree, he’s mighty charming.  

This example now is what you might – if you’re looking for a

handle – call a maximum security fence. It ain’t pretty I’ll grant you that, but it will do the job when it comes to keep felons in or intruders out. Note the razor wire, a common feature.

Finally, this is one of my favorite fences. Gifted to me by the film director and top flight fence expert David Lynch. David used this fence in the opening scenes of his wonderful romantic comedy Blue Velvet, a film I’m ashamed to say I’ve yet to see. It’s always on so darned late. David has a collection of sixty three fences, a collection rivaled only by his dear friend Billy Crystal. 

RICKY GERVAIS PLAN FOR THE OSCARS REVEALED

Oscar host 2014

LONDON – British comedian and shock bucket Ricky Gervais declared this week that he would be willing to host the Oscars in 2014 on the condition that he would have ‘artistic’ freedom. The Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal Mr. Gervais’ plans, as he left them scrawled on a napkin after a ‘power’ lunch with his gangly friend Stephen Merchant and the man he hates most in the world, Karl Pilkington.

IDEAS FOR OSKARS (Notes)

(By me, THE Gervais and Stephen and turd face)

SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL. WHEN aUDIENCE BOOS SAY:

    ‘You knew what you were getting’, or ‘don’t worry it doesn’t get worse (it gets worse)’ ha ha. [See Seth MacFarlane video. Study it.]

      funny spass

    TOM CRUISE IS GAY.

     

      Ha ha ha ha! (work in a joke here maybe)

      SAY SOMETHING RACIALIST THAT ISN’T RACIALIST BUT IS ABOUT RACIALIALISM 

      (laughing at it, NOT with it!)

      CLIP SECTION ENTITLED ‘SPASTICS IN FILM’

        mY nAME IS sAM, fORREST gUMP, oNE fLEW oVER THE cUCKOO’S nEST, The kING’s sPEECH, cLICK…

        MUSICAL SECTION: SONG ABOUT RAPE 

          Like ‘We saw your Tits’ but ONLY rape scenes. Jodie Foster line can stay. Controversial AND sexy! 

          Say Billy Crystal Woody Allen Mel BROOKS Mel GIBSON is a ‘shit’

            THE END

            SOPRANOS MOVIE IS GO

             
             

            NEW YORK – Just when we thought we were out, they pull us back in: David Chase has finally confirmed that The Sopranos movie is a go, and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli and Steven Van Zandt are all aboard. Details are scarce at this point but in an interview with leading French cultural magazine Chapeau, Chase intimated that the film will not be a prequel. Read his comments after the jump:

            OSCAR SHOCKER: MACFARLANE REPLACED

            Astonishing news reached us in the early hours of the morning that Seth MacFarlane has been fired as host of the Oscars taking place tonight and has been replaced by ex-Pope Benedict the XVI, the 265th Pope, but the first to ever present the Academy Awards. The lateness of the appointment was easily explained by his Holiness: ‘I thought I’d be busy, but when they accepted my resignation, I thought yippee and phoned my agent immediately.’

            MacFarlane was bitterly disappointed because he’d prepared three jokes and all of them were ‘really good’. Well, one was really good and the other two were okay if you’re stoned.
            The news has been welcomed by Mel Gibson and… well, just Mel Gibson actually.
            Rumors are circulating that MacFarlane was always going to be replaced (for more on that story CLICK HERE), but the choice of his replacement surprised Billy Crystal who was last seen at his tailors late last night making adjustments. When asked if he had any tips for the pontiff, Crystal snarled and drips of foam dropped from his quivering bruise-colored lips.  

            BILLY CRYSTAL ARRESTED IN SETH MACFARLANE’S GARDEN

            HOLLYWOOD – Noted comedian, screen actor and Woody Allen hater, Billy Crystal was cooling his heels in a Los Angeles prison cell this afternoon after having been arrested in Seth MacFarlane’s garden armed with blow darts and a pipe.

            Many have reported that Mr. Crystal was furious at being overlooked as host of the upcoming Oscars and had vowed to ‘get his own back on that cartoon asshole.’

            The news comes just days after James Franco – in an interview with top class French cultural magazine Chapeau – accused the City Slicker of having drugged his hash cookies prior to Mr. Franco’s own disastrous   stint as host. ‘I don’t know what he put in them, but Jeez I was barely keeping it together,’ said an obviously shaken Mr. Franco. ‘For half the ceremony I hallucinated Anne Hathaway and I only do that on Peyote usually.’
            The LAPD revealed that according to the forensic report the darts contained a slow acting toxin that would produce a diarrhea so violent as to turn the body ‘inside out, like a sock from the laundry’. Mr. Crystal is also being question about the disappearance of Mike Myers, but police were quick to point out that was just idle curiosity on their parts.

            STAR WARS STANDALONE: YOUNG YODA

            HOLLYWOOD – The first news has come out concerning the new standalone Star Wars movie, Yoda: High School Years. Kermit has already been announced in a piece of inspired casting, as the future Jedi master.
            Writer Brett Easton Ellis has leaked plot details.

            Yoda is a young kid, uncertain, nervous, but with this incredible gift that he doesn’t know how to use.  He goes to Dagobah High and gets bullied and falls in love with the girl and worries about going to the Prom. 

            Disney heads have denied that Mr. Ellis – the author of American Psycho – is in anyway involved with the franchise. ‘Jesus, he keeps giving himself jobs,’ said a source. ‘It’s the Fifty Shades of Grey all over again.’
            However, they did confirm that the tone would be relatively light.

            Oh yeah, there’ll be lots of jokes about him growing. ‘After twenty years so small I will not be’ he says a lot. Woody Allen is going to voice his father and Billy Crystal will voice the mother (I know, I know, we’ve addressed this).   

            Kermit admitted he was nervous about taking on such an icon.

            I know that there will be a lot of fans out there waiting for me to fail, but I’m at a stage in my career when I want to take risks. I want to break the bubble.


             Yoda: High School Years will be released in 2015.

             

            SETH MCFARLANE HIRED TO BE FIRED AND REPLACED WITH BILLY CRYSTAL

            HOLLYWOOD – Seth McFarlane creator of Family Guy and The Cleveland Show has been hired by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts for the traditional role of prospective MC who will within a matter of weeks be fired and replaced by Billy Crystal.

            The tradition was inaugurated last year when Eddie Murphy was hired to host a show directed by the creative genius and homophobe Brett Ratner. When Mr Ratner’s homophobia proved too edgy for the Academy he was fired. Stalwart Academy favourite Billy Crystal took over, even though Mr Crystal allegedly bought Mr Ratner 1001 Nancy Boys Jibes and Ellen Degeneres Jokes Book as a congratulations present.

            James Franco has also claimed that Billy Crystal forced him to blaze up a doobie that was ‘way more powerful to what I’m used to’, thus sabotaging his own turn as host in 2011. His co-host Anne Hathaway offered no such excuse, apparently having ballsed up without any help from the City Slickers star.

            When asked why he was so intent on hosting the Oscars, a ceremony he has hosted 9 times already, Billy Crystal laughed until little flecks of spit flew out of his mouth. ‘That’s easy, asshole,’ he said pointing a finger into Studio Exec’s face. ‘It’s the only place I can go where I’m sure of not bumping into Woody Allen.’

            Woody Allen and Billy Crystal have been arch enemies since the 1970s, who frequently brawl in public with the diminutive clarinettist usually emerging as the victor.