SPIKE LEE TO REMAKE ENTER THE DRAGON

BROOKLYN – Maverick director Spike Lee confirmed this week he will be remaking classic Kung Fu pic Enter the Dragon.

Following the 2013 Oldboy remake starring Josh Brolin, Spike Lee is to make Enter the Dragon.

Spike cordially told the Studio Exec:

I’ve had a taste of Far East cinematic cuisine and just like the actual cuisine of the Far East, it has left me hungry for more. Now I have a real grasp of the action dynamics and this time I will be going full out.

The new Enter the Dragon will star Ken Jeong of The Hangover ‘fame’ in the role made famous by Bruce Lee, Lee, a martial artist who agrees to participate in a tournament the better to spy on the doings of an evil crime lord. Billy Bob Thornton will play Roper, the American who aids Lee, a role originally played by cult movie legend John Saxon in the 1973 original.

In his usual laid back style, Spike Lee confided in Studio Exec:

The idea originally came from Bob Weinstein. He said ‘Your name is Lee. And Bruce Lee’s name is Lee! It’s meant to be.’ I was bowled over. I said, ‘Bob, the way you put things together is visionary.’  Also, everyone agreed that my Oldboy was so much better than Chan-wook Park’s frankly infantile effort. So then it occurred to me that although Enter the Dragon has this cult status, it isn’t really a very good film and it has almost no comedy routines. Ken Yeong will change that and I’ll direct the hell of it.

Enter the Dragon: A Spike Lee Joint will be released in 2018.

BILLY BOB THORNTON’S HEAD NOW THREE TIMES AS BIG AS HIS BODY

HOLLYWOOD – Billy Bob Thornton’s head is now three times bigger than his body.

Fargo and Goliath star Billy Bob Thornton has a head which is now three times as big as his scrawny body. The physical transformation is a result of Croats Disease which Thornton contracted while golfing in Greenland. The Man Who Wasn’t There (as he prefers to be known) dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s truly debilitating. I have to wear this more normal-shaped man suit, which I kinda sit in. My huge abnormal head balance on the reinforced collar and I operate it with my feet.

Jesus, Billy that’s terrible.

I know. Then again, sometimes I get drunk and I jump out of it and run up and down the bar. That’s fun. UNless they start throwing peanuts at me. I don’t like that. That’s demeaning.

How’s it affect the work?

I can still act, but I turn down any role that involves horse riding or swimming scenes. To be honest I never did those roles in the past either.

Is there a cure?

My doctor says it will wear off in about three weeks. But he said that six weeks ago.

Goliath is currently available on Amazon.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JOHN TRAVOLTA

HOLLYWOOD – John Travolta is one of the most popular stars of all time but what do we really know about him?

I’ve got FACTS they’re multiplying! And I’m losing control:

1. It’s hard to choose a stand out role in this fine actor’s long career: Tony Manero, Danny Zuko, Vincent Vega, Chili Palmer, Battlefield Earth dude or Robert Shapiro. However, John Travolta considers Broken Arrow his masterpiece. ‘I don’t know what it is about that movie,’ he said. ‘Everything seemed to go right. John Woo was a great director, Christian Slater was such a fresh young talent and I got to say the line, ” Would you please not shoot at the thermonuclear weapon?” which is the kind of line every actor dreams of saying.’

2. Not only can John Travolta can fly an airplane, he can do it with no hands. And when the plane takes off, he always likes ‘to pop a wheelie’ before soaring into the wide blue yonder.

3. When filming Grease it soon became apparent that John Travolta’s singing voice wasn’t strong enough. And so Billy Joel overdubbed all the songs and much of the speaking parts.

4. To research American Crime: The People v O.J. Simpson, John Travolta spent hours watching television and wearing clothes. The television program he watched was Friends because he wanted to feel close to Ross Kardashian.

5. Although there are many people who criticise Mr. Travolta’s adherence to the Church of Scientology, as a humorous website we applaud it and hope that it long may continue.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

THE JUDGE: REVIEW

Tony Stark – a hot-shot immoral defense lawyer – returns to Indiana for his mother’s funeral and meets up with his Days of Thunder consigliere father Col. Kilgore, a cantankerous judge who soon finds himself on the wrong side of the law.

Will his estranged son defend him? Will their relationship be restored? Will they perhaps go fishing the way Tony Stark wants to? This is like August: Osage County meets that Hannah Montana movie where the big city gal rediscovers the joy of homeliness – and spices it up with some illicit ‘urban’ beats. Good Christ but it’s wretched. And Tony Stark is appalling. Everything in the movie services him. An encounter with some barroom thugs, sweet talking his old school girlfriend, the yokel lawyer’s incompetence are all staged to allow Downey a moment of verbal dexterity and a series of twitchy, ironic, winky and eminently punchable reaction shots. (Sidebar: his father has been a judge in these parts for forty years, is a pillar of the community and he doesn’t know a lawyer better than a part-time puker?) He even has a ‘Holy Fool’ brother who walks around with a camera all the time, allowing Downey to be patient and loving with him in contrast to his older sibling and thereby winning more audience points.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I contend that Iron Man did not kill Robert Downey Jr. Nor Sherlock Holmes who is basically Iron Man in a fusty accent and a frock coat. Downey Jr – the actor – died the moment he discovered that he could get away with being likeable. His likeability means there’s no real edge to his smarmy bastard act. Everyone in the film keeps telling him what he’s like – ‘You really are a bastard’, ‘You hate bullies, but you are one’ etc. – because his performance doesn’t do it. Look at Paul Newman in The Verdict. Now there’s a Hollywood star who was unafraid of playing moral corruption like it meant something. And likewise earning the redemption rather than it just being a predictable plot point you can spot from the Warner Bros logo.

Objection! Robert Duvall is excellent.

Sustained. But he’s been an excellent character actor from Boo Radley on. That’s a given. It’s the film that stands accused, letting him down and Billy Bob Thornton and Vera Farmiga and Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket, and it must also answer for its obnoxiously wrong tone, switching from mawkish sentimentality to folksy comedy in a way I’d call cynical, but cynicism implies some facility. The small town America it shows is the kind Hollywood excels at. Driving into town, Downey Jr spots a boy and his father loading fishing supplies onto their pick up. ‘Nothing changes,’ he hisses venomously, before getting all snarky about someone waving at him. I bet the Wi-Fi reception isn’t up to snuff either.

So I find The Judge guilty. Guilty of wasting talent. Three counts of using a folksy acoustic soundtrack, like an old Jack Daniels advert. Guilty of pretending to be the proper Oscar worthy movie for me that justifies the cash grab of Iron Man. And most guilty – and this is truly unforgivable – of a scene in which the main character recaptures his youth by riding a bicycle no-handed wearing a faded Metallica t-shirt.

Take them away.

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FX LINES UP MORE COEN BROTHERS SHOWS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the critical success of FX’s hit show Fargo, more Coen Brothers spin offs are being lined up for the Fall season.

There are currently three Coen Brothers shows in pre-production:

  • Hudsucker will follow the fortunes of Norville Barnes (Zach Braff), a young inventor who’s placed in a position of power by the conniving executive of the Hudsucker company, Sidney J. Mussburger (John Lithgow). An insider says, ‘This will be a Mad Men style period drama but also keeping the screwball comedy of the original.’
  • The Dude sees the return of everyone’s favorite bowler Jeffrey (The Dude) Lebowksi, to be played by William Hurt. The Dude opens a PI office with old pal Walter Sobchak (Hugh Laurie) and each week will investigate crazy cases from a series of LA style off beats, while at the same time trying to progress into the regionals of the Bowling League. An insider tells us: ‘This will be Hart to Hart for the millennials.’
  • Raising Utah sees slacker couple John Krasinski and Ellen Page kidnap a baby and start an epic journey across America. Sam Mendes will direct. An FX executive promises ‘It won’t be very good.’

All shows are due to premier in the Fall.

ARMAGEDDON PREQUEL: ‘LOOKS DULL’

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited prequel of Michael Bay’s Armageddon has received an overwhelming thumbs down from the first test screenings Studio Exec has learned from inside sources.

The film, provisionally entitled The Rise of Armageddon, stars a cast of unknowns, including Mark Wahlberg as a young Billy Bob Thornton, Orlando Bloom as a young Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep as a young Liv Tyler, and Matt Damon as a young Ben Affleck. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and with a Hans Zimmer score, the studio hoped that the prequel would match the original which was the highest grossing motion picture of 1998, pissing on The Thin Red Line money wise from a height.  So what went wrong?

Below are some audience reactions with test score:

Alan Dunn(Chicago, Illinois):

DON’T GET IT. HARRY STAMPER AND HIS YOUNG PROTEGE A.J. DRILL UNDERWATER AND THE SCIENTIST DOES PAPERWORK. WTF? 2/10

Josie Perte (Austin, Texas): 

Why is the furniture moving? Oh that’s Mark Wahlberg and Orlando Bloom! Ha ha ha ha ha! 3/10

Monica Simons (San Francisco, California):

Nothing really happens. They just lead fairly normal lives. Then occasionally we see an asteroid but it’s too far away to be detected. And then some scientists at NASA say ‘Are there any asteroids heading towards the Earth?’ and another scientist checks like a machine and then he says, ‘No’ and then we’re back to drilling. 2/10  

Armond White (New York):

A work of absolute genius. Only Bay could have the audacity to take such a bold concept and run with it. Eschewing his usual vitality and car chases, and allowing only a tinge of his perfectly weighted homophobia and adolescent misogyny to seep in, Bay takes on the mantle of our generation’s Samuel Beckett. 20/10

Mannie Cloud (Tampa, Florida):

What’s Mark Wahlberg doing in front of the camera? Isn’t he an executive producerer or something?  1/10