INDEPENDENCE DAY SAVIOR ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN CANADA

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that the pilot who saved mankind by flying into the mother ship – featured in the lightly fictionalized documentary Independence Day – is actually not dead at all, but alive and well and living in Canada.

In the Independence Day Battle, the extraterrestrials were defeated by a combination of Jeff Goldblum’s brains, Will Smith’s Top Gun bravado and Randy Quaid’s mild insanity. It was the latter which finally paid off, allowing Quaid to pilot his plane on a suicidal trajectory into the mother ship where a computer virus destroyed the aliens and handed an eleventh hour victory to the beleaguered humans.  It seemed obvious that Quaid had heroically sacrificed his life so that the human race might live, but it has been revealed that he is actually living in a hotel room somewhere in Canada with his wife/Rupert Murdoch.

Ex-President Bill Pullman spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I have heard reports before that Randy was alive, but I just don’t see how he could possibly have survived the explosion. I mean it was like something out of a Michael Bay movie. I know. I was there. I would put this sort of evidence right up there with the stuff about Elvis still being alive, or the Loch Ness Monster or something.

But wasn’t Randy actually a conspiracy theory nut himself? Couldn’t this be the case that he’d be exactly the sort of person to do this?

I’ll admit that the picture you have looks like Randy Quaid and I will also admit that he was a personality that was … let us say unique. But he was also a hero of enormous proportions and a great American. To say that he somehow slipped away from the wreckage and went to Canada! Canada of all places! No, that just won’t stand. That is besmirching the memory of a great American hero and the brother of a really fine actor.

And yet the photographic evidence seems compelling, as was admitted by Dr. Brundlefly. ‘It certainly looks like Randy would look after all these years have passed,’ said Goldblum. ‘And yet living in Canada… I mean he was probably so busy wondering if he could do it, he didn’t stop to ask himself if he should do it.’

What do you think? Fill the comment box below with your own insensate nonsense. 

INDEPENDENCE DAY DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Today is the annual celebration of the fourth of July, or Independence Day Day, as it has been known since the defeat of the alien invasion some years ago.

Under the presidency of Bill Pullman the Earth was subject to an unprecedented attack by extraterrestrial forces which were then defeated by a combination of Brundle Fly, the Fresh Prince of Bell Air and Dennis Quaid’s demented brother. All over the country, parties are being organized to celebrate the coming together of disparate parts of our nation in order to defeat the common foe. The White House has been rebuilt and New York repaired, but the psychological scars of that day remain fresh.

One witness spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec under strict request for anonymity:

We fled in thousands. In millions. There were many who left everything behind. Who lost everything. And worse than that, worse even than the grief for those who had died was the utter hopelessness. We had thrown everything we had at the aliens and they seemed impervious. Our navy, our army and our air force aside from some mavericks had all had their butts handed to them. We had stared up at the aliens hoping that they would relent, that some mercy would be forthcoming, but instead they rained down death on us. If it hadn’t been for President Bill Pullman and Dennis Quaid’s dingbat brother, the Earth would have been placed under the dominion of a foreign army, or more likely the Human race would simply have been exterminated.

Independence Day Day will be celebrated by the Studio Exec with a head hung in sorrow as well as joy.