DENNIS QUAID TO STAR IN BILL O’REILLY’S KILLING KITTENS

HOLLYWOOD – Inner Space star Dennis Quaid signs on for Bill O’Reilly’s Killing Kittens.

Star of A Dog’s Purpose, Dennis Quaid doubles down in a new film Killing Kittens, an adaptation of Bill O’Reilly’s bestselling novel. The Revevant director Alejandro González Iñárritu dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk it through. dennis quaid

Endurance interests me. Suffering fascinates me. And animals too. In my first movie, Amores Perros, we used this dog and I became very attached to him. That relationship fascinated me. So I wondered what it would be like for a man who had to spend his whole day killing kittens. Then I read Bill O’Reilly’s amazing book. Dennis read it also and loved it and we’re making the movie.

What sort of job involves killing kittens?

They’re not going to be happy with me telling you this, but there’s a popular fast food hamburger which is made almost entirely from kitten meat.

Quaid himself has insisted that the new movie won’t feature the harming of any actual animals. 

That’s true. We talked about this a great deal. Dennis has this huge heart and he would be very upset if he knew how many kittens he will actually kill when we make the movie.

Wait. So you are killing kittens. 

Absolutely. To do otherwise would be fraudulent to cinema.

But Dennis thinks he isn’t killing animals. 

Actors are so stupid. I’ll tell him they’re just really realistic animatronics. I told Leo that the river would be really warm because we heated it up for him and he dove right in. This was in Alaska in December.

Killing Kittens will be released in 2018.

BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

BILL O’REILLY TO PRODUCE 12 YEARS A WELL FED SLAVE

HOLLYWOOD – Bill O’Reilly has revealed that he is to produce a new movie called 12 Years a Well Fed Slave as an attempt to ‘counteract pervasive lies about slavery being bad’.

Fox News presenter Bill O’Reilly is to move into movie production with his new film 12 Years a Well Fed Slave, which will tell the story of how Solomon Jefferies, a slave. Bought by the Daniels family in Georgia, Jefferies was treated fine, with great food, comfy accommodation and the occasional ‘educational’ beating. Bill O’Reilly spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the project:12-years-a-slave-trailer-620x341

What I resent is a lot of well-meaning bleeding heart liberals talking about history when they know nothing at all about the actual facts. We all know the image of the suffering slave portrayed in Roots and 12 Years a Slave, but what about the vast majority of slaves who had life good and honky-dory, if that isn’t a racist word now.

I don’t think so.

Michelle Obama was right to say that slaves built the White House, but what she failed to point out was that these slaves got to eat venison on Sundays, were given free tickets to see the Mozart concert, when Mozart was playing in town and played badminton on their purpose built badminton courts. Yes, they were occasionally killed and tortured with impunity, yes, they were absolutely unfree and had no civil liberties, but that’s a small price to pay for Marriage of Figaro and hitting shuttlecocks now and then. I think you’ll agree.

12 Years a Well-Fed Slave will be released in… actually it won’t be released.

MICHAEL MOORE TO JOIN FOX NEWS FOR HANNITY AND MOORE

NEW YORK – In a shock move today, Fox News announced that Michael Moore will be joining the Fair and Balanced team to partner up with right wing commentator Sean Hannity for a new show to be called Hannity & Moore.

A nervous looking Moore – who is most famous for radical left wing documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11 and Bowling for Columbine – read from a prepared statement:

Television news
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I have long berated Fox for its bias and yet I have also admired the technical skill with which it reaches out to an audience and provides them with entertaining propaganda. I – in my own little way – have tried to do likewise and when Mr. Rupert Murdoch personally telephoned me and said ‘Michael, come and join us, put your point of view, receive into your back account several millions of dollars’ it was very hard to refuse and so I didn’t.

Moore will be replacing Alan Colmes who previously duked it out with lunk Hannity on behalf of liberals, or
alternatively was an insect like punching bag that allowed Fox to pretend it was unbiased while loading the dice in the favor of conservatives. Sean Hannity said that he was excited at the opportunity to tear a strip off of Moore:

Me and Mike disagree on practically everything so there’ll be plenty of fireworks and before you ask, yes I am going to call him fatso every opportunity I get. The fat f*ck.

Others on the network were not as welcoming. Bill O’Reilly for one said that now Fox News would be unbalanced because ‘Moore’s so Goddam fat’.

Hannity & Moore begins next Thursday on Fox News.